Ok so hopefully Azzork can clarify. Right now I feel like he was asking that because it was too soon. Turned out I just met her and she didn't come here. I was happy to see the boys and smiled. Was pleasant. Not acting. Genuinely happy.
About 5 minutes down the road I was almost in tears. I know I have been doing better. Seeing her again tho brings up a lot of stuff. There wasn't a lot of convo. Just this is in here This stuffy is here. Kind of stuff.
But wow. I didn't realize how not moved on I am. I felt great until a few miles down the road and realized this is far far from being anywhere near to being ok yet. Not seeing her everyday helps. Keeping communication to a minimum. Helps. That was so much harder than I thought.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I won't answer for Azzork, however, if he had not asked why you were planning to invite your wayward wife to stay for supper, I would have. Here was your response to him:
Quote:
Just to be polite I guess. If it were a mutual acquaintance dripping off the boys I would do the same. You happen to come to my house during supper I will invite you to eat. It has nothing to do with R or anything. Just who I am
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Tyler, you are deceiving yourself into thinking you are strong enough enough to act as if she is just an acquaintance. She has just left you and has another man in her life. This would not be appropriate, IMHO, whatsoever, not to mention the expectations it would set up with the kids. I mean they would be wanting you to invite mom every time she got near your house......which is not is good idea to start doing.
If you have read something about treating as like a neighbor, let me quickly insert a word. Nosy neighbor. One who you do not want coming over to have supper with you. With a nosy, meddlesome neighbor, you just throw your hand up in a quick wave and quickly move on. That is how you need to deal with your W right now.
Quote:
About 5 minutes down the road I was almost in tears. I know I have been doing better. Seeing her again tho brings up a lot of stuff. There wasn't a lot of convo. Just this is in here This stuffy is here. Kind of stuff.
Exactly.
I think I saw you, or maybe someone else asking about being friends again. Every time this is asked, enveribly, there will be at least one or two women (not WW or WAW, but a LBW) who will jump on this or some other newcomers who think it sounds swell. The point I think most people who support this miss, is the timing factor. The women I have seen support the friendships are those who were left by their H's, and of course, women like the whole friendship thing. About the only men who say anything are those desperate LBH'S who would throw everything out the window, including their self respect, just to have a little excuse to be available for their wayward wife who is currently in an A. How anyone could respect themselves is beyond me, but to think a WAYWARD woman is going to have respect for a H who wants to be her friend while she is cheating on him publicly.......just blows my freakin mind!
Yes, once she ends her A, shows true repentance and remorse for her actions, and begins showing respect for the H, then he can begin with showing friendliness and gradually move toward a more sound friendship. If they are talking about possibly reconciling, then working toward being friends first, would be a good idea. But I have already written a long post on another thread about friendship today, so if you are interested, you can look it up.
It is about the right timing, DB members. B/c I promise you a wayward wife and her LBH are not going to look at a friendship between them through the same set of eyes.
Tyler, please, please do not think you can jump into a friendship with this wayward woman and believe it will lead you back together as man & wife. Check my other post for the reasons this doesn't work. These things take time. Once she is out of her waywardness, then ease into friendship, if she gives you clear indication of her true intentions.
Right now, I suggest you work toward just being civil, and if you can have a friend-ly atmosphere, that would be good. Big difference in being friendly and being friends.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi I know I'm not looking for friendship actively. I do know that part of me misses her. Inviting her in would have made an awkward situation worse. I was fired from that job. I have to slow down and stop thinking this is a quick fix. That's not the case at all. Of Course she is going to be friendly, if I am friendly back she gets to live her fantasy. Like Cali guy said earlier. I have been alone for a week. That is it. Although I was riding a high yesterday and almost all of today. Seeing her really shook that down to reality. It's ik to feel good about myself, it will take time to feel good and stay that way when I see her. I will definitely look up the post you made.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
It has to be hard for you this week and I feel for you. Going from the family unit to not having her there is no easy task and unless you have been able to detach for quite some time, it will hurt
My W is ready to go on with her life without me and can't wait to get out the door or for me to get a new place I know right now I am angry, resentful and sad but not close to where I need to be to really detach
It will take time so hang in there.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Thanks Rich. It felt like hey this isn't so bad with her not here. Sure I missed the kids, I kept myself so busy I didn't have time to think about it tho.
Mowgli made a comment a few above Sandi on the friendship thread that brought up something for me. After Bday she showed me several times these pictures on fb or wherever where there was this exW and that exH and this kid from her and that one from there and they were all together for Christmas or a birthday. She assumed by showing me this I was going to be ok with that. Well no. Not right now. Sure those families may be happy. It definitely wasn't within a few months of each of them getting D! So that brings me to a different topic. W did not like the town we lived in. Small town (1000) people. Hard to make friends and it is very clicky. And far from her friends and family. I grew up in this town and my family is still here. My family was another issue for us. I being mr nice guy always pushed issues aside and tried to keep conflict to a minimum rather than stand up for my wife or our ideals. We always talked about moving, I never saw the rush tho. I was content... In talking to my therapist and reading to remedy my issue I have been reflecting on why I think I want to stay in this town. The only thing I can think of is cause it's comfortable. Recently I went to the gas station to get smokes and the lady says. I hear your moving. No I'm not ( she misheard W was leaving). And it honestly pissed me off that the whole town knows or people are talking about it. I told 5 people. 2 are my parents 3 are co workers/ friends. My how things spread. Second. Everyone here knows my parents and I have always lived in their shadow. Scared of how I acted or what I did because of how it reflected on them. Everyone saying oh you must be XXXX son. You look just like him. I am 32! I don't want to live like this I want to be somewhere no one knows me. I can make new friends and not worry about how my actions will be viewed!
So. Now it comes to that I want to sell my house. I don't want the constant reminder of what I had here. I am growing into hating this town. And it leaves me with a problem. Where I would like to move is a larger urban area. One is too far from my older 2 kids. The other viable options are a lot closer to S and the boys. And that's where mowgli made me think. Is this move going to be viewed as me pursuing? Becoming friendly? A always available babysitter? The one city I have always loved and have lived there before. There is lots there for my career. Lots for the kids and lots for me to GAL.
I font want to be looked at as the poor dumped H that followed his WAW...
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Tyler, yes, she would see this as persuing, chasing, stalking, whatever you want to call it. For now, in your current state of mind, I wouldn't make any major decisions. Just stay put and focus on yourself. If you just really feel like you need to move, do NOT move close to W! Just give yourself some time and space to figure out and sort things out in your head. The town is not your enemy. Those people are the same ones you have known your whole life. Some of those people are just Nosey. Others are truly concerned and want to help if they can, they just don't know what to do. Either way, you are just the latest news and gossip. Won't take long till you're replaced with newer gossip or news. Just hang tight, this too shall pass....
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Tyler I read your sitch as I do so many. Helps me get stronger and to fully understand this craziness... If that's possible. I wish none of us had to live this.
I think you are doing well. Can you do better? hell yes. We all can. You are definitely not detached. You take one step forward and 2 steps back.
It's not easy I know. I made huge mistakes before and even after finding this site.
You said your W is nice while other situations you read the W is mean to the LBS No sitch is the same. Mine is probably one of the worst here due to the fact she has emotionally hurt my D's and hasn't seen them in nearly 7 months. I have learned that it's the WAW, WW, MLC or whatever that dictates what she does or says. You only feed into it. You need to step away.
I wouldn't offer her supper, I would put that shelf unit that you restored in your house, I would focus on you and your kids. Let her have her journey.
I think from when you started here and up until now, I can sense you are stronger than you think.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I know if I were to follow right away it would definitely seem like pursuing. I should have added. I'm looking at a minimum 6 months at the earliest to move. I have some renos to do and the economy here is crap right now. If I were to just move now I would get soaked on my house if I could sell it and probably have no job to go to. I want the house to get as much as it can for me and have a job lined up before I move. I'm going to handle this properly. There is a lot of factors that will decide when and if I can move. How long does it take to fix up the house. How long does it take to sell. Do I have a satisfying job lined up for my career. All of that play a factor. And right now in Alberta ( where I live) a job is like gold. Things are tough and may/will get worse before it gets better.
Irish. Thank you for posting and sharing your insight. I find myself still doing some things for her like that shelf. But I have plans to put it up on an accent wall and surround it by pictures of me and my kids. By restoring that shelf tho. It gave me the confidence to do it to other pieces for myself. Like a cheap dresser I got for myself. The focus is shifting to me. I trick myself into thinking I'm further along than I am tho. And the reality check is tough
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I too make furniture and was in a rut this last year even before BD.
First thing I did when she moved out is I made a living room coffee table. Cut the tree myself. Felt great finishing it just before XMas. Working on the end tables now.
Think about you my friend.
If you were on a plane and it was going down.... What do you do first? Safety mask on your wife, your kids, the guy next to you... No. You take care of yourself to be able to take care of others after.
Grow from this and your kids will draw strength from you and vice versa. No matter how it turns out and trust me I want you and your wife together.. You will be a better person and father.
Let her feel the concequeces of her choices. It will get worse before it gets better. Don't watch the train wreck.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
