Oh and remember how h just said he is too old to eat on Saturdays now? Well, he ate THREE plates of dinner last night, on Saturday!! When he filled his plate the third time S12 said: isn't that your third plate? H said yes: but it was so good. Lol!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sounds like he's having some moments of clarity and he's actually beginning to enjoy eating on Saturdays! LOL! "Mom" keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok so another day of MLC hide-and-peekaboo with h.
Sunday, S12 had a game and afterward we decided to take the kids out for the afternoon. Oh boy, camera happy teenage h was with me for the day. H spent the whole day snapping pictures OF EVERYTHING. It was like it was his first day in America.
At the start of the day he went to snap a picture of the boys. I was sitting next to them and I moved to be out of the picture. I just assumed he wanted one of the boys alone. He asked me to move back and took a picture of the three of us. That is different from this summer when he acted like I had the plague at picture time. A woman next to us offered to take a picture of the four of us so we posed for that, too.
At lunch, I went to wash my hands and when I returned h had ordered us beers just like he used to do on warm days. I said thanks but it made me uncomfortable. He ordered a large salad and shared his with me.
On the walk back to the car we had stopped for a bit. The weather had turned stormy all of a sudden. H and I were alone as kids were off to the side by themselves. H went to take a picture of something behind me. I was all zipped up and cold. He told me not to look so cold and I realized he was taking a picture of me. That made me very uncomfortable. He showed me the picture. I look really confused, which I was. At the end of the day he sent me a copy of all the pictures. They were very nice.
On the drive home the very opinionated teenage h emerged. I went to turn the elevator music on in my head. But, this time, S12 matched wits with h. Again, it was one of those gray issues that teenage h makes black and white. S12 poked holes in h's logic and teenage h was silenced by s12's reasoning, which was flawless.
Today, he was back to hiding in the dorm room. He stepped out for a few hours. Then back to the dorm room. He ate dinner with us as always. Just before dinner he came up real close to me and told me something funny about S10. That too felt odd, to be so close, eye-to-eye. His eyes were so haggard looking but not the shark eyes. No glimmer still.
Honestly, things just feel wrong. When he came in my room last week I realized my own h is an emotional trigger in my own bedroom. How dysfunctional is that?!? Him taking pictures of me, ordering me a beer, sharing a salad, etc. it all just feels off.
I channeled my concern into productivity: worked in the am, went for a walk, hung out with S12 in the late am, then cleaned (a lot), made a nice dinner and cupcakes. I did a good job of tiring myself out but I still can't shake that feeling.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
yeah. I know what you mean. Are you also waiting for the other shoe to drop? The rug to get pulled out from under you?
No matter how well we deal with this, it is a traumatizing experience, imo. It's very hard to see them act normally - for me, I have a protective wall up. I wish I didn't, but I do. On the occasions H tries to kiss me, I only realize after the fact that often I'm turning away, it's that subtle, but my H notices. Not sure what he thinks of it.
Ha, would it help to re-read the part of DR where Michele describes the LBS' feelings when the WAS comes back? In a sense, these little glimpses of intimacy are like mini vacations back home for the MLCer, but we LBS didn't get the memo that a guest was coming. We are taken by surprise, wary, uncomfortable because we aren't ready to be intimate with the MLCer yet. Does that make sense? I could be completely off base, but that's often how I feel about H's mini vacations back to the fold. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes, I can see these peeks out would be a little unsettling. You know what you are dealing with in terms of the usual MLC behaviour. And I think you deal with it well in difficult circumstances. When dealing as you have been, you don't really relate in an intimate way as such - so I can see that movement in that direction would feel a bit scary. And I mean intimate emotionally, not in any other sense.
I think maybe it is best to respond as kindly and positively as you feel able - but without getting particularly invested in the situation. I don't think that's easy BTW!!
Just my 0.2 anyway...and it's good you are seeing some peek outs! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Bttrfly and Sotto- thanks for the advice. Bttrfly - yes, I should re-read that section of DR. Actually, I should re-read the whole book! Sotto - your point made me realize I have some work to do with these peek outs. I need to work on acting as if and staying detached.
Otherwise I am just doing a lot of processing. I have been looking at a lot of the old M issues. I am starting to see how, when and where I became someone I did not like. My h is a strong personality and I see that I thought I was keeping the peace but really I was losing myself.
Last night, after dinner I just went out for a bit by myself. I never do this as I usually have to help the kids with homework and play drill sergeant. But it was an easy night for them so I took a drive.
As for h, he is re-listening to much of the music he wrote pre BD. Lots of triggers for me in that there music!!! Also, he is snooping on me again. I returned from walking the dog this morning and the history was up on my computer screen again?!? Duh. At least close the page.
Well, I know he is not a covert agent for the CIA; that's for sure!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho I think the one lesson I learned was to stop (well... Attempt to limit would more closely be what I mean here, all a process right?) allowing the MLCrs actions or non-actions to affect me which has proven to be very hard while living with the MLCr, so I've had to remind myself frequently that she is still in crisis regardless if she seems almost normal or not any given day. I talk in visuals, and this is a lot like a duck on a pond, on the surface they can appear normal, underneath their legs and feet are paddling like crazy trying to get to where they are going.... All this time I am simply a rock on the shore that the lighthouse is built upon observing and shining my light. It's a mix between indifference and mirroring with her at this point, when she runs back in the tunnel I let her run, no sense going in after her... When she peeks out and decides to join me I accept her as she is without expectations she will stay long. In short I am Forest and "Jenny" comes and goes as she will, I remain solid. Atleast that's closer to how I've handled the roller coaster as of late and it's bright me back to center
Oh boy do I know what you mean about keeping the peace leading to losing yourself. I love that you took the drive. Keep doing things like that. It is beneficial to you and I like that it adds an air of mystery so that H snoops How about this: this is a glorious once in a lifetime opportunity to find yourself again, right? and to decide who you really are, at your core. I like that you want to re-read the entire book. I bet you will have much deeper insights this time around (can you tell I'm getting ready to do the same?)
Overall I'm impressed as always by your ability to cope with this. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Oh, and some thoughts on equanimity -- in my business, i've developed a course and spent much of the past year on heart-centered work. It's no coincidence this is all happening in tandem. Anyway, there is a lot in the process that deals with equanimity. I've been working with a deeper understanding of it. My current sense of equanimity is that when one finds one's core values and who one really truly is, and remains in integrity with those beliefs, one finds equanimity. I'm now defining it as a state where no matter what others do, say etc, it does not change the essential me. There's been a lot of "aha!" moments for me in that knowledge. Don't know if that makes sense, resonates or helps, but that's all I've got ... xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks Cali and Bttrfly - all good stuff. Thanks to both of you. Yes, Bttrfly that all makes sense.
H has ducked back into the dorm room. Haven't seen too much of him in the last few days.
I have found myself having moments of wanting to reason with him. I think it's because of the peek outs. I find myself leaving the room to keep from asking: do you have moments where you realize you've gone crazy? Can you believe you told me you wanted a daytime shag pad so you could go sleep with other women but then wanted to come home and eat dinner with us? Do you know that you're a grown man hiding in a bedroom?!?
It is amazing how crazy he has gone. Without boring you all with the details, h had to go after someone who broke a contract and owed him a significant amount of money. He has papers from a court saying this woman owes us a significant amount of money. The issue is the woman is an ER doctor and moves around a lot. We just need to find her address to serve her her papers. She is very crafty at not posting a picture of herself at all or leaving a footprint of her address. I think even with the DMV she registers families' addresses as her own. We know where she works, but can't serve her in a hospital legally. I think we can't even serve her on hospital grounds. I have left the whole thing to h and it has been stalled a long time due to his MLC cluelessness.
Lately I have been thinking about the fact that it is time to get the money we are owed. I mean, if El Chapo can be found, how can this ordinary ER doctor not be found?!?
So yesterday I pinged h about it. Talk about a bizarro conversation. I told him I thought it was time to track her down. She is working; I called the hospital and so even if she has no savings we can garnish wages.
His answer: that he is not interested in this whole thing?!? That is "bores him." Also: he feels bad for her?!? Then he asks why I am all of a sudden interested. I say (truth dart): "because that money belongs to my kids and I feel bad for them, not her. A judge ruled it is a clear breach of contract and she owes us money."
I told him to give me all the paperwork and I will see what can be done. From the light research I did, it seems if you have a lawsuit against someone you can even call the police and ask them to help track someone down. She has to have received a traffic ticket or a notice from the DMV to some address. Can't the police go there and ask family where she now lives?
It is so frustrating as this is polar opposite of how husband was. He used to be principled and never one to leave money on the table. He keeps telling me it is so much work. When I told him I will do it, his response: "well, I have to find all the paperwork."
Ugh. I want to slap sense into him.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
