Hi thanks for the posts New thread so quick ( as possible ) recap
24 months ago I got the ILYBNILWU speech with the twist that she did not want to D and wanted to stay as man and wife without sex
Over the next few months W tried to get me to see MC and attempted to patch things up I made it clear she made a choice and that was that
About this time W started menopause ( W went to Doctors for confirmation. ) . Ws sex drive had never been great since birth of S20
W also started volunteering locally and this seemed to take over her life
4 months later I discovered W was friendly with a co worker who has mild mental issues and is an alchoclic I confronted W and did some spying but all I found was that during the day W was taking him to doctors , etc
At this point W was seeing IC and was very upset and seemed unsure of what she wanted. We went to MC but this was a complete waste of time and made things worse
Again through snooping I confirmed no PA ( as much as you can ). At this time Ws family contacted me and asked what was going on and could they help
After W had told me that she did not want to be married , I told her that I accepted that but I was going to stay with kids ( 4 ). W readily accepted this
W moved out Oct 14 and into a one bedroom flat, where she still lives
Since W has gone , I have expected OM to be announced to the world but so far he has not been. W has told me that he spends nights in her flat but still denies PA
W has not thrived during the seperation and has been diagnosed with depression and is on ADs. I ha e seen an LC and got through the worst of the pain and got on with my life I have accepted my share in the demise of the M and worked hard to become a better person. I have a good way to go but I am getting there slowly
Since W left she collects the youngest three , D14 , S17 and D11 from school 3 days a week and cooks for them She does do bits and pieces around the house but generally she is more like an aunt than a mother
Kids have all treated W quite badly for leaving with the exception of D11 who is an angel !!!! All kids have told W they want nothing to do with her outside of the home and they want nothing to do with her personal life
W has no money , struggles from week to week and I do help out She gets 400'euro a month from the family as she could not live without it
Ws sister keeps in contact and as of Monday insists OM is not even a close friend
W does not seem to have anyone and often asks for advice or help on the most basic things that it would APPEAR that she has no one close to her
Recently W started staying in house one night a week as we had an issue with one of the kids and W asked if it would be ok
W also has physical problems re the menopause that she is struggling with.
W has come forward ( temp checked ) on a few occasions and she does seem genuinely lost
I'm asked do I have a plan for DBing this sitch. To be honest no , W made choices and I've accepted them The pain and anguish I went through ( as do we all ) is something I will not go through again We were together 25 years and W gave up on it It's hard to accept but accept I must
I will always be there for W until OM or another guy is annouced but while not detached , i certainly have the acting " as if " down to an art
I have tried dating and while not anything special to look at I do seem to be able to attract ladies The last one I went out with was a real stunner and seemed to have a great personality but to be honest , I had no interest and would have been happier having dinner with a mate
That's my story and as I posted on my last thread , the best advice I can give anyone is accept what is. Things do change but your reality is you have a WAS who is not going to be changing their minds anytime soon Once you accept this , you can live for you and then let life do its thing. The DB books and this forum were a life saver for me
Thanks to everyone who's followed and supported me
RD, sounds like I have missed some of your story (W staying at the house, issues with a kiddo) and for that I am sorry. I appreciate all the support you've shown me, and I hope you are well.
Still a mentor every time I read your posts Rd. There's something very wise in the "finality until otherwise" mentality. I agree it takes what feels like an immediate need to act and places it on the back burner...for a long time.
You've been a lifesaver for a number of us on here, and while I think your W is a fool, it sounds like she's experiencing challenges beyond her own level of comprehension and ability to manage. My heart goes out to you both right now.
I appreciate your willingness to share your wisdom and for your heavy but loving hand.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I finally caught up with your sitch. Nice to see you being the rock for your kids. I pray for all the kids that have to live through this crisis. Thank god for the parent left behind to be stronger one and show stability to them.
I don't know if your W is realizing what she is missing. If she has real remorse. It does sound like it from what you are sharing with us. If you know what you want and its to reconnect and start a new R. Why not let it happen. Only you can decide once your W shows the true wanting to come back.
her apologizing is a good step. She accepts her wrong and takes on that responsibility.
if you decide you are done. Many here will accept that too. You are a good man and good men I hear are few to none.
thanks for being the best dad you can be to your kids. Job well done my friend
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Hi Vanillia. Thanks for checking in. Nothing much to report really , kids very busy with exams right now and not much time for going out. We still have movie night and pizza night but we are in a bit of a rut right now but only due to circumstances.
But quiet at work at the moment and that's never good but we shall struggle on !!
W is still the same , seems ADs have helped with the upset but nothing really new. She does stay in the home with is once a week now and it's all very comfortable when she's here I don't really get into her life unless it's something she asks me about and then I answer honestly and succinctly
Like others I do see how easy it would be for her to return home but I also see she is far from leaving her fog even though I do see glimpses. She's still appears very unhappy and seems to be bouncing along the bottom
When I stand back from my own sitch I think a new R isn't possible and probably not wanted by W. She has a new circle of friends and a new life. It's far from perfect from my point of view but then I'm not her I've had the apology for how she acted ( nothing specific but I didn't press ). I've had her say she was happy throughout the M and she didn't leave me but her life and I have her regularly telling me she's unhappy I suppose I'm lucky that there is no history rewriting and her life is kept to herself and she does appreciate me for how I look after kids but I suppose she just doesn't love me anymore and that's that
I have an appointment with my L next Tuesday to discuss legal seperation because I feel I want some control of the sitch and starting proceedings will get me back some of that control.
Obviously it's not what I want and yet I feel it's time because W appears happy for the status quo to continue and if that's due to depression or something else I can't control it I'll see what L says because I saw him last year and he advised against it because enough time had not passed
"I suppose she just doesn't love me anymore and that's that"
Hi RD, thanks for the update. It sounds as though things are much the same with your W. I wouldn't assume this above - I think your W has some things to work through which are more about her than the marriage.
It seems reasonable to look at a legal separation to give you some more surety, and doors can remain open a chink if that's what you choose.
Sorry if things are feeling a little humdrum just now, but spring is on the way.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
