Pink's Journey: Moving Forward is not enough

[Ggrass]

I will see him, and if he says anything that hurt me, I will break his nose

Lolol - sounds like a plan!

Actually, I had forgotten about the STD possibility, but I would say, given the way he is putting it in words, that this is not likely the message. He actually sounds more like a guy who wants to apologize, but I would keep your expectations at ZERO.

Yeah break his nose.... Break break break chants Jerry style.
While the hayseed in me is cheering for that option in reality if it were me, the coward would say actually no please write me an email.

It's sounding he wants reaction and or fed back perhaps you to tell him he's not an ass!
Please don't tell him that as he's been one.

[Pink17]

Hello Job, Toots, kml, GG and RD

You won't believe how thankful I am for having you guys to help me. Give me advice and support. Sometimes I feel so alone and lost. My family is so far away, and I know it is better if I don't dump all my issues on them. Specially if it is about XH. In their opinion I should be thinking about my next BF and having fun instead of thinking in a M that is dead.

I understand it is their best way to protect me, but they get angry because they think XH also uses the fact that I am alone here.

I guess if I was not convinced before, now I am quite 100% sure it is some MLC. The more I think, the more it surprise me, confuses me. It's just ridiculous that at 50 I am playing these games with him.

If he just said something, like it is about my job, or health, or my life changes, whatever, just say the subject. I would at least know what was coming.

I even ask myself why I am so afraid of what he has to say. Why? He did so much to hurt me, his kids, his family. I should be numb to whatever comes from him. But indeed I do not want to hurt even more.

I remember those days when I cried hard and had that pain in my stomach that wouldn't stop, and the desperation in my heart. It was a brutal pain in my body. It was the first time in my life that I hit the floor and was very broken. And I had pretty bad stuff in my life before him.

So, I became a coward today. I did not answer any text, did not talk to him. I just got home and parked my car in the garage so nobody knew I was home.

My body still hurts and I can't think about putting myself through this anymore. Today, my fear was stronger then my curiosity. Well, even that is a 180 for me.

So, this is the real DB. Finally it hit my brain. It is when you are more important, it is when you protect yourself no matter how important something else can be. You are reserved, you are not anxious to jump on the next wagon and get the cheap ride.

Slowly I learned to be less fake and more original, learned to say NO, even when that was what I want the most. Learned to say good bye and close the door, to be short and not expect anything in return. I learned to set boundaries and not back up on them. I learned to be patient.

How did I learned so much and did not even noticed my transformation?

And most and more important I just decide to join the divorce support group because I am ready to move on. I do not want to be alone forever, I want a partner that I can share my time without kids, diapers, bottles, teenagers and their freak hormones.

I just want to be happy again. I know this whole experience opened my eyes, ears, heart and brain to a new perspective on R and M, I learned so much stuff regarding my behavior - good and bad, the patterns on my personality that affected my M, the gaps, wrongs, reactions, communication and so much more that made my H unhappy to the point he became my XH.

Today, many things came to my mind and I am so confused about my feelings. I was thinking that he may want to tell me this or that, and I find myself wondering... I do not want to hear that he is moving to France, or moving in with the OW, or she is pregnant, or he has STD, or lost his job. But I also don't know if I want to hear that he wants to get back together.

I don't know if I love him anymore, I feel like if I love family, that I hurt because my family with him is no more, but do I love him... the man? Can trust be rebuilt?

But again, why to think all this? Maybe he will tell me something that will hurt me but he won't think that way in his twisted mind.

I know some couples that got divorced around here, and none of this happen to them. They D and each person started their new journey in separated ways.

I am going to a basketball game tomorrow, it is suppose to be very good and I like the Thunders. I won't talk to XH then.

On wed S18 has guitar lessons and then I go to my prayer group. So, no time to talk to XH. I am free on thursday. Will see if I get the courage to hear whatever he wants to say.

Again, thanks for the support. I never tough that I would be at this crossroads right now.

XOXO,
Pink

[job]

Pink,
You are starting to think about YOU. It all takes time and you are slowly getting to the other side. Don't rush the process. Allow that pain to wash over you and then release it. The best way to deal w/that pain is to work thru it and let it go. I know it's difficult right now, but you've come such a long way.

You will know the right time to have a discussion w/him. What may seem important to him, may not be so for you. Don't allow him to sway you into meeting him if you aren't ready to do so.

Even if your xh says he wants to come home, I wouldn't take him back quite so quickly. He would have to live on his own and be transparent w/you. He would have to work very hard to win your trust and love again. If you make it too simple and allow him back too quickly, he most likely will go again off the rails.

Pink, it's time to start thinking and doing for Pink. His drama is his to own and you do not want to be a part of it...unless it concerns your family. He needs to grow up and hopefully realize what he's lost, i.e., YOU.

Take care of yourself.

[Pink17]

Morning Job, and thanks for your wise words. I would rather not even think about him asking to come back because it can backfire me big time and I will be crawling back to the dark hole.

But if I think about I can just say that I agree with you 100%. This man is a traveling dude, and it won't be easy to just trust him overnight. If that happens, we will need to be boyfriend & girlfriend for quite a good time and there will be a lot of IC, maybe MC, FC, it is quite complicate.

Last night I prayed and fell asleep.
This morning I made my decision and texted this to XH:

Good Morning XH! Last night I prayed for guidance and I decided to meet and talk with you one last time about the "between us".
In the real world I know we have kids together and I will be forever willing to discuss anything about them.
I have only one request. I will only meet with you if it's not to discuss anything about your girlfriend. If you want, for some left respect because I am the mother of your children, to let me know you will be moving to France, or she is moving here, or she is pregnant, whatever it is, you can just call me and it will be private as well.
So this is my request and I ask you to respect that.
Please, know that I got to terms with myself and I accept all the wrongs I did to the demise of my marriage, and I understand you have all rights to be happy. I actually admire you for choosing what is better for yourself.
I will be busy today and tomorrow, if it is OK with you, I can meet you on Thursday late afternoon, around 7 or 8pm?
Please, let me know which way you want this to go.
Thank you and have a great day!

Maybe it is not the right words, maybe I am not DBing, but it is what was in my heart and that is what is real for me.

I just sent that text and will see what will be his answer. Whatever it is, so be it. I wish I could say that I am super OK and having a blast, but I am not.

It all brings me a lot of pain and that is not fun to deal with. I can just take it easy and endure whatever comes my way at this point in my sitch. There is not much to do besides saying what I want or don't want.

Yes, I am thinking about myself more and more these days, have been feeling a little better for doing so. But it is still very intense to have any contact with XH. My body hurts, my stomach hurts, I can't really eat much, I feel like a got a bad cold.

But I know better, being here for such long time, I have learned that this will also pass and that tomorrow things will get better and brighter. I just need the flood to go by and then clean the mud left behind.

Thanks to you all for giving hope for "Myself".
Love,
Pink

[job]

Your text was just fine. Now, it's up to him to at least honor your request and respect you for who you are.

I do hope that you can put this "personal" issue to bed and soon so that you can continue to focus on YOU. Until that situation comes to light, it's going to be in the back of your mind.

Good luck!

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, that sounds fair enough to me. It is weird (and I have been in the same place when about to talk to H.) I recall once having written down on a sheet of paper, three main things that could happen - He wants a D - he's unsure what he wants - he wants to R. It's a strange thing to know so little about where they are at.

Try not to worry too much about where he may be at or what he may want to do. You've laid a ground rule about OW. If he tells you something about her, you can always respond briefly - thank him for telling you - and ring off.

I would second what Job says about a possible R. There are no big decisions for you to make right now about that. I think the big decision would come a way down the line - if your H had broken things off and demonstrated consistently his wish to R. Perhaps you would have more contact - even light dating - for a few months. He would need to understand that (given all that has happened) you aren't willing to make big decisions about your R just now.

So - be calm and still. Your life is your own now, and your H has become one of many (very lucky) guys who you may choose to date going forwards. And the fact that he wants to have a chat need not unsettle your week. Of course we'll be here to assist if you need something too.

Take care xx

[Pink17]

Ok, have his answer:

XH - Cira - I am not asking to talk with you about anyone or anything else. There is no big news, surprises or changes in the future to tell you about.
So let's meet on Thursday at 7pm, if that works for you.

So, I will see what happens then.

Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, well that's fair enough. So, if you can go with no expectations, hear what he has to say, and receive the message without reacting - that would be fine I think.

Perhaps once he has said 'it' you can hear him out, probing gently if you need to, then say - thanks for telling me this. I'm going to need some time to think about that and I will come back to you.

Then maybe gently change the subject on to a 'safe' area. Make a list - kids, work, weather - just something to converse about. Then maybe finish your drink and head off.

Just my thoughts - but if you have very low expectations of what may happen and manage not to react - I don't think you can go too far wrong.

Take care Sweetie xx

[job]

Well, that text or phone call tells you absolutely nothing about what he thinks is so personal that he needs to talk to you in person about.

Since he's stated that there is no big news, surprises or changes, I would go into this meeting w/little or no expectations and don't be surprised if he says he wants to be friends.

I know this difficult, but I would look on this meeting as a meet up w/someone you use to live next door to and you just happen to run into him/her and sat down for a cup of coffee. Always remember, you have the power and control to end the conversation when you feel it's getting a bit too much for you.

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto and Job,

I don't know if it's me that is going crazy or the world is really becoming square.

Can you believe this man? Talk about some serious MLC hah?

Oh Pink, it is nothing very important, I am just making the whole deal with mysterious messages begging you to meet with me just because I am a complete Jerk.

At least I can smile with this whole circus that he put up.

Tell you, even with 50 I conclude I still did not see it all.

Thank you so much for being part of my life, my journey. You guys are the best, really awesome.

Later,
Pink