Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[inpain]

My last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2639973&page=1

[Ancaire]

Hello, IP! I was thinking about you today - new real insights, just sympathy and a hope that you're doing as well as you can.

You're still so early in this situation. I can't believe anyone has the nerve to expect you to "move right along" and be okay, would you? I think that's got more to do with the emotional immaturity of the person with the expectation than it does anyone else.

I was lucky enough to be raised in a fairly divorce free environment, but I went to school with friends whose parents D, and I could tell it was hard, hard, hard! I always felt so badly for families that it happened to. I feel even worse now.

Take as long as you need to recover, as long as you're recovering. This journey is definitely two steps forward, and one back. It's hard, it's heartbreaking, and it takes as long as it takes. Every person's recovery will differ from another's. There is no timeline to "feeling all better".

I think people feel badly because they don't know what to say. Instead of learning, they'd rather [i[you[/i] felt better, so they wouldn't have to wonder. We live in an immature society - me, me, me! Just let it go.

Be good to yourself. Read something funny. Take a bubble-bath. Give yourself a facial - just do something nice for you.

(((Inpain)))

[Ancaire]

I'm really missing the edit button after the mess I just made out of your post. I hope it makes sense.

[inpain]

I was lucky enough to be raised in a fairly divorce free environment, but I went to school with friends whose parents D, and I could tell it was hard, hard, hard! I always felt so badly for families that it happened to. I feel even worse now.

Hi Ancaire, thanks for checking on me! I was raised in a fairly divorce free environment too. I think that's one of the reasons I am struggling so much. Only one person in my entire extended family is divorced. I feel ashamed and guilty for not 'making it' on top of everything else I feel.

I am not doing well at all today. Yesterday was a very bad day. I will come back and explain it all later as I have to get to work now.

LOL at the edit button. I'd love it back too!

[Zues126]

Originally Posted By: Zues126
This is short term. Remember that. In the not too distant future there will be a schedule where he has to pick up the kids, or you drop them off at his place.

I wouldn't do anything about it until you reach that point. You can't force him to do anything anyway, and anything you do will come across as controlling...in the way he'll perceive it you'd be 'using the kids to control him'. Don't do it.



I see what you're saying Zues, but what about doing something about what it is doing to my kids? Would a text asking if he's still coming still be perceived as pursuing/using kids to control him? Why should he get to just treat everyone however he likes and have no consequences whatsoever? There must be some way of making the situation better without it being seen as controlling?

Wow, the old "I get it...BUT" followed by sentences that demonstrate a clear lack of understanding.

I think 'protecting your kids' from him could turn out poorly. Look, there are things he can do that will hurt your kids that you simply can't legislate against. If he moved to another country and never saw them again it would destroy your children. What can you do to prevent that? What if he isn't emotionally available? What if he raises his voice a lot when they're together, but doesn't do anything that 'crosses the line' with any type of social service?

You can't control WAH's behavior. And if there is one place in the universe you shouldn't ever, ever be, it's between WAH and his children. You may be mama bear and want to protect the children, but being between a man and his kids is not doing the kids and favors.

It's his show. The more you do to try to control or influence it, the more he'll resent you, and the more he'll act out to show you that he's not under your influence anymore. I suppose you could use this if you wanted full custody, just try to control when and how he sees the children and use each potential visit as a reason to reach out to him and try to control his behavior, judge him, criticize him, and explain where he's failing as a person. Do that for a month and he'd probably never want to see the kids again, and then you can claim custody! But assuming you're not pure evil I'd say DON'T do that and just let him do his thing.

As for 'setting boundaries', you've got to be very careful when it comes to this type of thing. Yes, it's not considerate for him to do this. It hurts the children. It could disrupt your schedule. But here's the thing...this will change so soon. Truly. Time will fix this problem. There is simply no way in 90 days this will be going on. Some things will have changed, and you will either have a nailed down visiting schedule that he is accountable for, or something will be different. Pick your battles, don't pick one you can't win that doesn't need to be fought.

Oh, I'm not saying there is nothing you can do to gently and respectfully steer things...but I don't think you can do that yet. Because the bold is what I hear in everything you say and do about this. "It's not fair." This sentence is all about being hurt and wanting revenge. How dare he hurt you? How can he get away with this? How dare he hurt my kids? How dare he be able to go live this sleazy double life, find some OW, and have me do day care for him so he can go screw around, etc, etc, etc. You're hurt and it's obviously not fair, so let's just use the power you have over the children to jerk the leash and show him he can't do this to you and the kids and get away with it...spew text messages and knee jerk controlling behavior, zap, there, take that you A-hole H! Ick. Just looks gross to me.

Don't score keep. Don't act on emotions that generate from anger, pain, neediness, or fear. Just work on being the best woman you can be, and operate consistently from a place of peace, balance, and alignment with your core beliefs. When you are in your calm, peaceful, meditative stance...when the timing is right, and things are starting to shift, and there are several options available he's offering up on how to schedule, go ahead and pick the one you think is best. Do it without explaining why, without criticizing his choices or past behavior, without making him know your displeasure...just opt for column B and move on quietly. A little grace right now is what's needed. This will pass. The kids will live. His problems are his to deal with. And the funny thing is, the more you butt out, the more he'll have to own them, and I wouldn't be surprised in the least for him to step up and be an outstanding dad...at which point you'll feel it isn't fair that he never did that when you were together.

OK, no edit button, I probably got carried away a bit. My advice...post what he's doing and get DB advice from vets or those that have evolved well beyond this emotional state and can steer you from a good place and not an emotionally reactive one. Take care IP!

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain
Just checking up on you. You were saying you weren't doing well yesterday.
I Hope things changed and you are feeling better.

It's not easy I know. You are not alone and in reading more of the other situations you will gain strength in understanding your H.

Your kids need you strong. We are all here for you so come here and talk about your feelings, don't hold them in.

I was working on a magic wand to make all the MLC wake up ... But decided to scrap that idea. I think we need the wand for us. To grow and be better with ourselves. Trust life and God. Even if you are not religious. You will find peace in all this and walk with your head high.

Hugs to you
Irish

[inpain]

Hi Irish

Not doing well at all. Yesterday was awful and today was even worse. Today I discovered H has bought a motorbike without my knowledge! Round about the time he redirected his mail (which I also only discovered this week) so I guess I know why he redirected it now.

Yesterday I ended up venting at him about letting the kids down again on Saturday night. Why did he let them down? He was having tea at his sisters. She has wanted nothing to do with us for about 9 years...hmmm. I just let everything out at him. How he is only thinking of himself, the kids are upset every night, the only person happy with any of this is him, etc, etc, etc. Then to top it off he had taken the day off work. Why???? To go to a mate's house for Sunday lunch (so he says). NOT to see his kids who he hadn't seen for four days by this point! What was he supposed to say when he was invited?he asked with a furrowed brow. How about, sorry mate, thanks for the offer but as I haven't seen my kids for four days and I have the day off I'm going to take them out somewhere and spend some quality time with them. About half an hour of silence later and he text his friend and told him he couldn't make it. He then spent the entire day here just sitting doing nothing until he plugged in headphones to S11's laptop and watched videos. I did feel bad and wrote a short note saying sorry, that isn't who I am or want to be I am just really struggling with the pain of this situation. He put the note in his pocket after he read it.

So........with that rant that blew DBing out of the water and today's discovery I think I feel like throwing the towel in and filing for D myself. I cannot believe what the man I married has turned into. Can't sleep, feel physically sick and crying my eyes out.

Thanks for always checking in on me, it means a great deal to me.

[Zues126]

So........with that rant that blew DBing out of the water and today's discovery I think I feel like throwing the towel in and filing for D myself. I cannot believe what the man I married has turned into. Can't sleep, feel physically sick and crying my eyes out.

I feel like a broken record lately but here goes again...are you blowing off steam, or is filing divorce something you might do? What, to you, are acceptable reasons for divorce?

For me it's serial adultery and/or physical abuse. Not bikes and power struggles over schedules. I guess I'm just curious. Many people tell me they don't believe divorce is always a bad choice, that's their call, I just want to know who's threads I should be following and contributing to.

[inpain]

Yeah I'm just blowing off steam. Not in a good place right now and blowing off steam seems to be the only thing I have that works right now. Just feel like I can't do any of this being strong stuff and all the rest of it, that's all. It's not that I don't appreciate yours and everyone else's advice, it's just hard and I'm struggling.

[Zues126]

Then I'm in the right place. NO ONE can blow off steam like zuesy If you're looking for agreement that this is the worst thing in the universe then you've got it from me!

Seriously, I know how bad it stinks, and it's worse when you feel like you boil over and slip up.

Have you read AU Bob's last thread?