Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[HaWho]

Mleigh your post made me smile! Sorry to hear about the skunk episode. I have yet to experience that with my own dog which is a blessing. Plus, my dog thinks every animal (including hissing cats) is his BFF so he would probably follow the skunk around asking telling him he smelled great.

Your resilience is definitely inspiring. It is amazing to see how you dusted yourself off and grew from the craziness of this experience.

So glad your son is having fun with his dad. That is always good, all around!

[mleigh4]

Hi all,

A bit of a hairy day yesterday, got my stove delivered!

Friday night I TM H to let him know the 2 hour window that the new stove would be delivered by. H replied ok, to let him know when they called to say they were on the way. I replied that I don't know if they do that, they only gave me the 2 hour window, and I reminded him that the old stove has to be pulled out and ready to go because he said no to purchasing installation....

I got a bit nervous knowing I can not count on H, so I did something new for me. The old me would have just let it go, let it play out worried about what would happen to avoid being pushy or demanding, then get pissed when he let me down. This time, I flat out told H I need you to be here at such time and if he could not make it to let me know so I could have a friend come help me.

I also TM my local friend and had her and her hubbie set for back up plan. I expected H to give me crickets or snap back, but instead he replied he would be here at such time and asked for crepes and coffee to be ready.

Next morning, my friend checked in to see how I was doing, told her H promised to be here but that her and hubby were welcome to come join us for crepes and coffee. They came with mimosas as well!

At 5 minutes to 11, the time H promised to be here, H called to say he needed to hook up his trailer to take the old stove. Seriously, he just thought of that as he was leaving??! I just smiled and said that's fine, friends were here to help in case delivery showed up. H sounded taken back, but said he would hurry. He is 20 minutes away.

Sure enough, delivery shows up. Friend helped get old stove ready, turn off breakers, the things I needed H here for. Delivery guys were nice enough to carry old stove down to garage for H to take. Friends couldn't believe H was lagging the way he was, I just told them. Told you so! H pulled up just as delivery truck was leaving. You won't believe this....H had the nerve to be annoyed that delivery guy waved bye instead of staying to help carry stove into his trailer for him. Unbelievable. I let H know that delivery guy said he would have put stove in trailer if it was here....

So we all ate breakfast together. It was actually fun. Friends were happy to see H as the haven't for about a year. H and friends hubby used to hang out a lot, so they got to catch up. H mentioned he needed coffee badly, had not had any yet. I blurted, how late do you sleep in!? It's after 11! H did not like that, mumbled he had been up just watching tv. Ya sure, it was obvious he just rolled out of bed. After breakfast, friends had to go and H started installing the overhead microwave we got to match new stove.

Let's just say, it was a nightmare. H took about 4 hours. I can't tell you how many mistakes he made and steps he had to redo because he didn't think ahead to the next step. He even had to redo the bracket which left 2 holes in the wall that you can see, and he told me only I can see them because I am short and it's just an easy patch up job. Easy for him to say!

Anyway, I did a great job of STFU. I stayed close to help when he needed it and went about my business when he didn't. He kept asking me if I had certain tools and I kept telling him he would know better than me what is and isn't here. He had to go to neighbor across the street to borrow some tools and stayed over chatting for a bit. The kitchen was a complete mess, with open box cutters left out again. This time I pointed it out!

At 6:30, H was finishing up and S quietly asked me, why is daddy staying so long!? Once done, H played with the functions on the microwave and stove for about 1/2 hour, said he was very jealous. Finally he packed up the trailer and left, with a phone call that he forgot to close my garage.

It was a reminder of days when he lived here and would be like a mini tornado in the house leaving behind a commotion of noise and mess. I was happy to see him go so I could get my home back in order. I almost invited him to stay for dinner....but something told me not to. I appreciate his help, he saved us about $150, but it was exhausting!

[bttrfly]

congrats on the stove. well done on the backup plan! i was reminded of hat a whirlwind it became whenever my h was home. that mlc frenzy/disconnect from the world the rest of us inhabit is exhausting to experience, isn't it? can you imagine what it's like to live in their heads???

fwiw, i think you handled it brilliantly! xoxoxo

[HaWho]

What a funny story! I am sure it was stressful, too. So comical that your h showed up late with bed head and expected the guy to help him carry the stove into his trailer. Gotta love that teenaged entitlement.

You did a great job in your role as project manager! Lol!! Nice work staying patient with all the MLC weirdness.

[Ancaire]

Hi, mleigh! I'm new to the MLC board, been over in Newcomer's about 4 months now. I've finally accepted my situation is not normal...it's the MLC crazy-train. This knowledge did not make me feel any better at all!

I'm reading through all the MLC threads to learn all I can about it. I'm aware since BD was just months ago - I'm in for a long ride. I actually learned quite a bit from reading your thread. Thanks for posting.

My H had said something about being friends, and I flatly declined, which sparked a major tantrum. Reading through yours, I realized I can probably affect a more positive period of interactions, by at least being "friendly" - I just have no desire to be BFF's.

Mine is pushing for a super-quick D...I'm not fighting him anymore. I'll be a lot better off financially if I let him have his way - he's beginning to see he's going to be a lot worse off. LOL

Welcome to the world of consequences, H.

I just wanted to be sure and say "hello" and thanks. I'm sorry you're here, too - but I am really grateful to be able to read about how others are handling this.

[job]

I'm so happy you got your stove and microwave! The first thought that popped into my mind was...did your h read the instructions before he started installation? My xh never did and that created more frustration and a whole lot of mistakes. I can't believe it took him all of that time to hook things up.

I do believe you may have gotten him out of bed when you called him and he was covering it up. However, I'm glad you had a back up plan w/your friends to do the work if he didn't show up. Sometimes I think that they think we should wait until they grace our presence and to heck w/a scheduled appointment and being on time.

At least you had a bit of time to clean up and hopefully begin to use your new appliances.

[mleigh4]

Bttrfly, I too imagine what it must be like living in such mental disarray! Seems horrible.

Hawho, thanks for the pat on the back. Your stories help me to look at things a little lighter and with a comical twist. It makes it easier to deal with!

Aincare, I am sorry you are here. Yes, it can be a very long ride. That is why it is so important to turn your focus on yourself and to take care of yourself. I too have no desire to be BFF with H. It wasn't until I found my happy place, a good 1 1/2 years after BD, that I could be a genuine friend with H. My sitch is a little different, D has not come up in a long time so I keep the peace for that "just in case" he wakes up. I do suspect I would be different if we were in the process of D. In fact, I can guarantee it would not be pretty, H is feeling way to entitled these days. Anyway, I am glad my posts help. I do find keeping a "friendly" interaction with my H works much better. Especially for S. But I stay guarded!

Job, H never reads the directions. He even went as far as taping up the template to install the overhead screws, then ripped it down and threw it across the floor saying it was all wrong. This has been him forever. Anything he fixes or works on takes twice as long because..."they didn't include the correct accessories or screws, the directions are wrong or don't make sense, the product was not made correctly"....I have heard it all. He yells at China a lot!

Thanks again for all your support. Later that night, S and I were chatting about an upcoming wedding we are going to, his BFF mom is marrying her partner. S had a bunch of questions that we talked about, one being can you get married anywhere? I told him, yes pretty much, as long as you have someone who is certified to legally marry you. Then I blurted, the next time I get married, it will be on a beach. S and I quickly looked at each other and he sort of half smiled...I corrected myself by saying, that is if daddy and I can't get close again. I told him, if we do, I would love to renew our vows, but if we don't, I don't want to be alone forever. I told him, I don't believe in divorce and hope that does not happen, I believe in marriage and in the vows you say, for better or for worse, and that is why daddy and I are still married...but sometimes that is not enough. S was quiet a minute thinking, then he looked at me and said with a big smile, you can get remarried when I grow up! I said ok, that sounds fair!

I continue to feel that pull of letting H go for good. Another weird emotion that passes through me lately...I hate that I have H last name. I notice it every time I say it or write it. I don't like having anything to do with his family or name...has anyone experienced that!?

I also think often of Cali's words of figuring out what we WANT vs. what we NEED. There really is a big difference and I have been giving it a lot of thought. It's been helpful in seeing that H does not possess many of the qualities I need, not sure if he ever could. Much food for thought for me.

[mleigh4]

I don't think I have gone too much into detail about my relationship with my mom. It is pretty toxic, has been since I became a teenager. I always knew she was a bit "off" emotionally, it was just her and I. No dad or siblings. She became very emotionally dependant on me, and as I continued to grow up and pull away, it got worse. There was a lot of verbal abuse, telling me I was a bad person, a bad daughter, pretty much no good. It continues to this day.

I have tried hard to maintain some sort of relationship with her. She has always been a pot smoker, at 67 she is retired, overweight, has OCD, no friends, hoards, no male relationship for over 20 years, no hobbies or activities, does not leave the house. She has even started having groceries delivered, says her back hurts too much to drive. Her house is filthy and filled with crap. She stopped taking care of herself and her home about 20 years ago. She is on numerous medications.

It all has taken a toll on my relationship with her and how I feel towards her. Shortly after BD, I started working on the guilt and anger I have towards my mom, in hopes to help my self esteem. I finally accepted that she is certainly not my dream mom, but she has done her best and did a good job taking care of me and raising a good person. I also accepted that in the same way, I can only give back so much, feel so much for her. I too am doing my best. I just can't stand seeing someone let themselves go, and not do anything about it. I have suggested hobbies, exercise, pets....she always has an excuse.

She continues to pester me, asking why I dislike her so much, why am I so mean to her, why dont I ever visit her. To her, it is all my fault she rarely sees my son. I have told her the above, over and over again. I tell her, we are best keeping it simple. She analyzes, pokes and prods, then attacks and spews when she doesn't hear what she wants to hear.

This brings me to today. She started in, sobbing that I hate her and am so mean to her. I calmly try to explain and she starts yelling at me, so I hung up. I am not proud of this, but I took it a step further. I blocked her number, otherwise, she will call over and over. I do not intend to spend my holiday off with her harassment.

A couple of hours later, H texts me asking if everything is ok. He said my mom called him, but he was talking with a client, so before calling her back he wanted to make sure there was no emergency. I told him everything is fine. He knows how my mom is, he has had it out with her himself. So I told him I blocked her number and that he may want to also. I apologized for her calling him. He said he was really glad he did not call her back and assured me that her calling him is not my fault.

I know my mom obviously has emotional issues, I am not proud of how I feel towards her. However, I can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. And I will not allow her toxic behavior into my world any longer. I set that boundary with her when my son was born, when I realized so many unhealthy behaviors with her, things I could never imagine throwing at my child.

DB'ing has helped me greatly during these times. In relation to H, I also have seen the flip side of pushing someone to feel something they don't, pushing someone to have deep talks when they don't want to, how respecting someone's space is crucial to a relationship. I see how much damage can be done by not being able to accept a situation as it is. I see what makes that situation worse and what makes it better. It certainly can change, but really depends on how you handle yourself and how you treat that person. My relationship with my mother has been a huge eye opener with how I relate to H during this crisis.

I am not sure what to do about my mom...but in a way, it has helped me to accept so many of the issues with H that I can not control.

[mleigh4]

I am so tired of being hurt by the people I love the most. Aren't they supposed to be the ones you can count on the most? Or does it go hand in hand? At a young age, I shut out my father due to abandonment, and shut out my mother after being called every name in the book. I feel myself now shutting out H, more and more, and I don't know if I could ever let him back in. It's against my nature, it's become a form of emotional protection.

Sorry for the downer post. I actually feel fine, just getting it out.

Getting ready to take S to H, then need to do some shopping. Maybe I will buy myself a treat

[HaWho]

Oh Mleigh, I am so sorry. That is a rough day. Ugh.

I know you are just venting but you hit the nail on the head. You can't help someone who does not want to help herself. When you have children you need to be ready to meet their needs not vice versa. Really, the very best thing you can do is not to recreate that recipe with your own child. You should be very proud that you have a different relationship with your son.

Hope you bought yourself something special!

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.