So I still have not read the Love Languages book. I plan to now though. For the past few months I could not get myself to read any relationship books, because I had such limited contact with husband. It just depressed me knowing that there were all these approaches I should have been using that I did not.
Jelly B, You wrote "BTW, some people who have LL as QT, need quality conversation as part of it." Funny, because I have trouble knowing if my LL is quality time or words of affirmation. To be honest any of the LLs would be nice to have, now that I am not getting anything.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
So I still have not read the Love Languages book. I plan to now though. For the past few months I could not get myself to read any relationship books, because I had such limited contact with husband. It just depressed me knowing that there were all these approaches I should have been using that I did not.
Jelly B, You wrote "BTW, some people who have LL as QT, need quality conversation as part of it." Funny, because I have trouble knowing if my LL is quality time or words of affirmation. To be honest any of the LLs would be nice to have, now that I am not getting anything.
My sweet lady, you are allowed to bilingual in this life, multilingual if you choose to be.
I am a physical affection girl! But as you said Julie, when you aren't getting any thing they all look good. I would LOVE a present right now, and I have never cared about gifts in my entire life.
Zues, all my husband keeps saying is "I tried for years".
Looking back, i think he did after kids were born, but it was at a point I was just so angry and resentful and hormonal and sleep deprived.
Maybe this is Karma? Me experiencing with him what he was with me after kids were born. I never would have left though.
I know that you are right because he told me something along the lines that he needed to see if he could handle being separated from kids and I. I found this very insulting. It still bothers me because it showed that his needs surpassed the trauma it would have on the kids and the burden it placed on my parents. IT was also him making a decision without any discussion based on what he wanted to do as an individual instead of making a collaberative decision as a family (something that I felt frequently plagued our relationship and left me resentful)
[quote][/quote]
Suppose two people were in a horrible argument, and the husband said "I'm going for a drive to cool off, we can talk about this later", and the wife gets upset and says "No! We are going to finish talking about this right now!" and tries to block him from leaving. Husband pushes past her and drives away, and wife is crying by the door feeling she was abandoned and is unloved and that her husband doesn't care for her enough to hear her out. But the reality is that he was beyond his ability to cope, and him walking away to avoid saying something he'd regret was probably smart.
I'm not suggesting 6 months is the same as 6 hours. It isn't. But could you look at is as the same concept? Granted, it's a heck of a long time to take to 'cool down', and the pain caused by threatening the very marriage itself is extremely hurtful (like dropping the D work in an argument, only to scale of acting on it)...but then again, the pain caused over the years was also much larger proportional to what a couple typically argues about. So could it be like a big 10 year argument, where years 2-8 were the incident that upset him, year 9 was the blow up, and year 10 was the cooling down?
I don't know. Just kicking this around in my head. I often think though that the cycles are similar, just tougher to get through.
Just think of what the 'make up sex' could be like though
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You see I keep wanting there to be that "makeup sex" type of occurrence, where we both realize we were wrong and connect. Past year I had been pushing for that type of connection.
He is not there though but at least there is some change. I am not there because I am so hurt as well.
Logistically speaking, things are a lot harder in our situation as well. It was all too easy for him to leave and too difficult to return.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
It's hard to imagine that type of intimacy now, because he has been a stranger to me for so long.
Julie, that is exactly how I feel. I look at the XH and am overwhelmed by the strangeness of him and the chasm between us. And I really can't for the life of me imagine ever having been intimate with the XH. But we must have, cuz we had kid. :P
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
So had conversation with coach. I was a bit weird, because it's late and I am tired and it's that time of month and I was just really detached about my whole situation.
We talked about how husband and I are just kind of stuck. She felt that I needed to make a change at this point. That there is a growing detachment. We have had very little engagement other then texts and it's not working. She asked if perhaps my husband might need to hear more of "I miss you sort of stuff" now...not that I should do that, she just asked.
She suggested that I i initiate some friendship sort of activities but without pushing the reconciliation topic. Said I needed to make some bold moves and initiate and pursue the friendship (not reconciliation) that there needed to be a change at this point.
Was talking to her about some weird husband behaviors on our movie outing and She was asking me if this was always the case I told her yes at least for past 4 years. She was asking about our friendship and I told her about how he is a stranger and how it is hard for me to even remember our relationship anymore. That all I am focused on is his leaving us amd my anger regarding that.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
