2016 a New Year - getting out of my own fog

[inpain]

Yes, I know what you mean! These terrible situations turn us into great readers! I've lost count how many times I've read DR from cover to cover since November and I sit reading and reading on these forums hoping for some sort of miracle inspiration, that one thing that is going to fix it. I know it doesn't exist of course but somehow the searching makes me feel useful.

As a woman I cannot understand what your wife has done at all. I cannot imagine abandoning my children. There is nothing in this world that would make me do that. Thank goodness they have you to be a rock in their lives, bless them. I slipped up and asked my H if we could talk the other night. Apparently, according to him, we have talked. Not enough for a 19 year relationship, 15 year marriage and 2 kids we haven't, I said. He just walked away. He's getting really good at it.

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain,


I don't understand my W either. I think it's because of the bond I have with my D's It was always strong and its getting stronger. W may be feeling like she doesn't have a chance or just too guilty to face them. Who knows.
I know a lot of my woman friends are scratching their heads because W loved them so so much.

When she carried them during each of the pregnancies and they would move too much I would lay my hand on W's stomach and they would stop. No more kicking. I would rub W's back every night and talk to the baby while she carried them.

When each of them were born I was the one who would wake up at night and feed them. If W was breasts feeding them I would go and get the baby and bring her in the room as W stayed in bed. Then I would change the diaper.

As they got older story time was so important. I would make up the adventures of Jeremy.

I'd sit on their beds before nighttime and listen to them tell me about their day. Comfort them if a bully at school called them a name or teased them because they had freckles.

I would volunteer at every daycare and elementary outing.

W was not neglected either. Date nights, told her I loved her and she was pretty, sexy and smart. I told her I was proud of her. I'd send her flowers at work on every occasion and even on days that were just to say I was thinking of her.

Vacations 2 a year.

The D's saw all this. It made the love in the family stronger. When we got married we got married as 4. Before me and W exchanged vows.. The D's were given each a ring to tie us as a family. 3 years ago. So the D's remember it well.

W breaking this family is her leaving. We are still tied together me and the D's.

She can't look at them with all her guilt. Her anger and manic way was projected on the D's as much as it was on me.

I'm sure she will crash. My D's have said they are done with her. I know they love her and it's their way of protecting themselves.

I promis you this. I won't let W back if my D's don't accept her. W will have to get their trust back. I will protect them from this crisis and from W. I like you had kids to not let them get hurt or emotionally damaged. This crisis won't follow them in adulthood.

Irish

[Irish M]

Inpain

Just an added note:
You didn't slip up .. You needed to ask him to talk. If you didn't it would of built up and would of come out another day another way. You asked him , he gave you his answer and left. You are still not happy with that I'm sure. It's so frustrating. But let it go. Learn from his response. You'll be surprised as this goes further down the road you will know what , how and when to say things to get him to talk. Take notes on what works and what doesn't.

You were left for dry, on the side of the road with no chance to get back in the car because he drove off.
Sadly he is in a car with no rear view mirrors and he can't see you hurting and crying. He doesn't want to see it.

And it would of been so nice if our spouses told us how they were feeling before BD. If we had a fighting chance .., but we don't.

Irish

[peacetoday]

There is no chance because they are the ones that have to heal their past

many of us could have turned our lives upside down for them and still they would be unhappy

They are for the most part unwilling maybe until their bottom hits hard and then only a lucky few will get it

[Irish M]

I agree with you Peace. I am one that would of walked on fire to make my W happy. I always have. Knowing that she was unhappy or in pain or whatever she has... I would of been supportive of her 110%. Me letting her go and never giving her my thoughts about what she is doing is proof that i am supporting her still.

We just didn't get that chance to work on it together. I think that is what stings the most.

part of my 2016 work on myself is to delete all texts from W. I use to read them over and over. Analyzing them to see if she is showing signs of the old W. I did the deleting today. The bad part is I read the last message she sent to me again. Funny how they read differently after a few days.

It was the one with her saying she was unhappy in pain. Didn't know what to do or handle it. I wish I didn't read it. I got a bad feeling like maybe she wasn't happy after all. She didn't love me anymore etc. I forgot for one minute the things she said and did. How she treated the D's. How she cut off her old life for this new one. She left to find herself but instead found OM. All those memories flooded back in my heart and soul.

So I went back to thinking this unhappy sadness she showed me in the last text message was still script. I questioned once again if she was MLC or just normal.

Its funny how I can forget the bad in all this because of the loving memories of the Old W. I think that's what keeps the LBS standing. We hold on to the good of our relationship and what we built as a couple, family etc. Sad thing is the MLC holds onto the negative and the rewriting of history they created to justify what they are doing. Keeps them running.

So to bring me to this point , I deleted the texts. Its all script, why torture myself and make me question her MLC. She is in MLC and I wont bring myself down anymore analyzing her script.

Off to ski with the D's ... GAL smile and be grateful for everything else.

love and peace of mind to all
Irish

[bttrfly]

Hi Irish,
Hope you had fun skiing with the girls. Here's some virtual hot chocolate for all of you. Thanks for stopping by my thread.

Good for you for moving forward. I'm sure deleting the texts was hard. I know what you mean about the memories keeping you going/standing. xoxoxo

[Irish M]

So tomorrows mediation is set and confirmed. I will be going into it as a business man. Finalize all the financials. She walked away from me, our kids and our life. She will not get away with walking away from the responsibilities of her debt.

I haven't seen her face to face since the end of September or beginning Oct last year. I cant remember, it`s been sop long.

I'll be honest I am nervous. I have a vanisher so I don't see her changes, moods or anything. I don`t see her on Facebook (my choice). It will be very weird sitting next to her.

Her birthday is next week, I won't mention it at all.
My D's have instructed me that they want nothing to do with W's birthday since she missed theirs. If she asks I`ll reply- ask them yourself.

I sometimes wish she was more like other sitch`s, that I would have weekly contact at kid exchanges or she still lived here. I know it`s hell for some. I guess i miss her more today since i will be sitting in the same room with her for an hour or so.

The last time she looked like an emotional wreck. Hands and head were shaking. Looked tired. she still couldn't`look at me in the eyes.

I am not going in there to be hurt. I am passed that. She can`t hurt me anymore. I will try not to imagine her looking amazing. I will take tomorrow as it comes.

What I am afraid of is I will see her as her mother. Cold and insensitive. If she acts more like my MIL. I will be shaking my head in disbelief. I will probably just give up all hope.
She is better than that I know. I just don`t think she has the strength to get through this and fix her mistakes . Especially with the D`s. Her pride is too strong....but then again I never thought she would abandon them either. Who knows.


Irish

[CaliGuy]

Irish

So yours is a vanisher, mine a clinging boomerang. However mine too reverted into acting not just as MIL which really upset her as she despised how MIL treated others... Apple/tree right?

I did mediation twice, yes ... Twice. Neither time went through even though the second time I was at peace with it. I have some advice, well... Maybe not advice but this is what I did. I went in dressed as I would for a business meeting, I also adopted that mindset, I knew my rights, what I was not willing to settle for and I was not going to give w one penny more than what the state would recommend, not out of spite nor pride but if I gave a dollar more than I would have needed to it was going in her pocket and in my mind I was stealing from my S. She wanted it, she would need to feel all of its consequences
I got a haircut, and went in happy and at peace. To that point I did all I could and made so many changes I looked at this as a final chapter to a book... Was a good book but I knew there was a better book ahead of me to read, I even shared a joke/story with w in the meeting room as she attempted small talk, I can't tell you how much this confused her.
Your w is in crisis, no other explanation for her actions, actions which have serious life altering consequences.... Ones she is not currently equipped to handle, I seen this as a way to love, if my w needed the divorce to finish her journey, I was more than willing to set her free. She very well may need this to hit bottom, keep in mind she is suffering and in her mind she is scrambling to find anything to get rid of the pain .... She must exhaust all options before she actually can do the work
Sorry you have to do this, been there and it's painful, I pray you find a bit of peace in all this knowing it's her journey and she feels this is the only path, tough love proves she has to figure it out on her own

[Delboy]

Hi Irish M, Just A copy of another letter for you to see, and how really messed up the MLC's are. I hope everything goes in your favour. Mine couldn't face me in mediation.
So I told God what I could/would pay her, and it wasn't a penny more than the amount I told God I would pay her!

Love

Delboy


Hi good folks, yet another handwritten letter from my then estranged wife. Written 3 weeks after she had moved in with the other man. My additions are in brackets, and I got to know one of my clients called Robert very well, and he wrote her a letter after I asked him to!
He sent it to my address for me to forward on to Liz.



Wednesday 18th Feb 04

Dear Delboy,
Thanks for your letter and the verse ‘Risk’ which I’ve read many times (before) but this time it brought tears to my eyes.
I did not know that I had total freedom.

I am really pleased that your business is taking off and you are making a profit, all your hard work is at last paying off.

I received a letter off Robert telling me about himself and how highly he regards your (R…..) service, he can never express how grateful he is and that you should be highly valued for your gift (talent). He seems like a real genuine man.

I will not be seeing my counsellor this week due to half term, I find that talking about my feelings really does help. It’s a pity that I didn’t do it before. I will need more than 6 weeks.
She asked me last week what did I want, I said “to be friends with Delboy and to see the girls”.

You say that marriage guidance counselling would help. I will leave it to you to make an appointment.
Take care
Liz

P.S. I don’t hate you as much as you think (I do).



(And as you might guess she didn’t/wouldn’t come to Marriage counselling with me).

[HaWho]

Hi Irish- I want to wish you the best for tomorrow. I won't say "good luck" as I think that infers depending on chance and I think you need to be strategic here.

Cali has given you excellent advice, as he always does. Ultimately you're dealing with a breach of contract here and it is necessary to protect your and your daughters' interests.

I haven't commented much on your thread. I do read along and I think you are a pillar to your daughters. Your situation is particularly heartbreaking to me, as a mother myself. As a society I think we are sort of desensitized to men who leave their families. It's wrong but it happens so frequently that we somehow make a place for it. It is so rare for a mother to leave her family. Honestly, it scares me because who knows what could happen to me and my own mental status.

I do live my MLCer and because you two are NC, I understand you are wondering what to expect. You can never know with an MLCer. I think Cali's advice is outstanding. The way he told a joke in the mediation is exactly how I suggest you should be, that is: act as if. Be business-like, accomplish what you have to but without hostility. Hold your head up high and just act as if you are moving forward, no problem. I would not get into any of her drama with her. Personally, I would say very little about the situation as they are so illogical it is a waste of your energy. Continue to leave her to her own mess and let her find her own mop.

Again, wishing you the best tomorrow.