Thanks Sandi2 for your comments, I know that was a big wall of text and honestly I was emotional when writing it.
We have not shared a bed since September 12th, no sex, no kissing, maybe 5 hugs (she's asked for many more hugs but I don't always say yes). I was trying to 180/37rules now I am doing NC but that is hard in the same home. Until very recently our typical day was, I take kids to school and leave for work. She picks kids up and when I get home around 5:30 we have dinner, homework, etc... I then go to the gym until 8:30ish come home and work in the home office or watch TV in living room and she stays in family room doing homework or TV (also sleeps on that couch). I have been GAL at least 2 nights a week with hobbies and/or friends.
Since I set my boundaries yesterday we have hardly talked. She asked how many days she has before her phone shuts off and reminded me to get S6 signed up for T-ball this morning.
Then she sent me an text today that was a full on rant, telling me "I know you want to move forward as peacefully and smoothly for the kids, so quit taking advise from my brother" it goes on calling him names and warning me that he is a bad influence. I didn't reply.
Interesting enough, he has never offered advice and we have spoken maybe 3 times at a very high level about this. I'm assuming she finally answered his call and he spoke his mind.
Lastly she has asked me and her family to read ... Does anyone know this book? Looks like something to help her feel "good" about separating and not deal with the guilt.
Thanks again!
Me:36 W:39 S:6 D:5 Together: 9+ years Married: 7+ years
Last edited by Cristy; 01/18/1604:17 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other authors/books
We ended with me explaining that she has made her choice and she no longer gets to have me in her life, my love, friendship, caring, support, and financials. I am removing myself from the equation, I'm no longer a choice for her. Was that too much?
Hi Man Sorry that your here, but it's a good place to be in our sitch. Took me 8 months to say this. My wife is pulling the same stunt, I think it's because our kid are increasingly leaving her out and not inviting her to family stuff as much, I think it's because they see her doing stuff with OM kids. Now "being friends" would give her another way back in to the happy family thing, sorry no dice, I said the same, your not a part of my life any more! They jut want to have it all don't they, It's just all about them!
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Then she sent me an text today that was a full on rant, telling me "I know you want to move forward as peacefully and smoothly for the kids, so quit taking advise from my brother" it goes on calling him names and warning me that he is a bad influence. I didn't reply.
Interesting enough, he has never offered advice and we have spoken maybe 3 times at a very high level about this. I'm assuming she finally answered his call and he spoke his mind.
She senses that you are getting advice somewhere, and she's only guessing it must be your brother.
The WW will twist everything around and try to play the victim card.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's what I was thinking, she needs a villain and yesterday she blamed her brother. I'm assuming she will soon start making me the villain?
I didn't reply to her text but I did mention last night that her bother didn't give me advise.
My IC yesterday said I might have overreacted and could come across as controlling with taking over finances and quit paying for the wife's cell phone. Thoughts? I just don't trust her right now and worried she would take the money and spend it on the Mexico trip instead.
Also my IC recommended that I let the wife go, she has made up her mind and not coming back. I should offer to pay for an apartment for 3-6months and set her up to move out. WTH? This doesn't sound like trying to save my MR, am I missing something?
The wife is still in the house and when I got home last night from work/t-ball signups with the kids she had cleaned the whole house, did all my laundry, and had dinner ready for all of us. She was over the top friendly, asking me a million questions about my day, etc... I kept if very short but pleasant. Or should I just not talk? Why would she act this way? I don't want to read into it but it's so out of character for her lately.
I don't know your situation, but if she's being nice to you, I think you should be nice back, if you want your M to work. Make it a fun evening. That's what my coach told me. Let them see what they'd be missing.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGAL, I know what you are saying and I did that for the last 7 months. As part of my 180/sandi2 rules I was always pleasant/bubbly, be the person they would want to be with. I feel like that has only led my wife think we would still be friends after a divorce/separation. Thoughts?
I am still pleasant to be around, confident, happy, etc... I just don't start the conversation and keep my interactions short (but not rude). This is very hard for me, I'm a big talker and I realize that is something I have to work on in our relationship if we stay together. I've read The Lost Art of Listening, worked with my IC, and watched many videos on how to listen, validate and be present.
Today should be interesting... My mother in-law called to warn me that she is going to lunch with my WW and that she was going to have a "Real talk" with her about reality. The kids and I are heading up to my parents cabin this weekend but my parents asked that the WW not join us.
I am dreading talking to her when I get home for work. Between her mom and this trip, I'm expecting some yelling.
NYGAL, I know what you are saying and I did that for the last 7 months. As part of my 180/sandi2 rules I was always pleasant/bubbly, be the person they would want to be with. I feel like that has only led my wife think we would still be friends after a divorce/separation. Thoughts?
I feel like the doom & gloom messenger.
What NYGAL says sounds right. I mean, isn't it human nature to return niceness for niceness? However, when you are dealing with a wayward wife, you have to take in account the fact that almost everything she does is motivated by pure selfishness. She is a master manipulator. The H will be thing she's being nice/sweet/friendly........when she's really setting him up for the kill. He can bet that something she wants is coming just around the corner.
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I am still pleasant to be around, confident, happy, etc... I just don't start the conversation and keep my interactions short (but not rude). This is very hard for me, I'm a big talker and I realize that is something I have to work on in our relationship if we stay together. I've read The Lost Art of Listening, worked with my IC, and watched many videos on how to listen, validate and be present.
Very good! I think one of the hardest things for a newcomer LBS is to have no expectations. With a WS, you have to be on guard at all times you are around them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
