Pink...I'm so sorry mama. I have no advice I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and the boys and praying for all of you including your XH. I'm glad your son stuck up for you. It shows what a loving mother you are.
Your XH sounds like if he is in pain..you do too. I hope you find some direction and peace now from being on this part of the forum.
You will make it through. You are so very strong and you're a giving and loving person.
Rain
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
First I would like to say THANK YOU... I am really so thankful for the chance to be in this forum. I have been learning so much, I have been changing so much the way I see R, M and life in general.
I am very happy that in my age I still have the opportunity to enrich my life with such knowledge that you can't get a degree anywhere else. We have a treasure here!!!
Lifes Twists - thank you for your advice, it is very true that we sometimes loose the sense of crazy when dialing with the MLCer.
V - you always have it to the point with this OW. It took me sometime but I now accept that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that XH needs to walk the walk and resolve his own issues and his deal with this lady.
Rain - My XH is a different person in some ways, it's hard to face all the destruction around me, but in the same time I can also see that I will benefit from all what I have been learning.
Reporting: Job and Cadet, I have been quiet, but among all the other stuff in my life, I was actually reading and doing my homework.
Going Dark - I have been dark for quite awhile not because it is a real choice, but because it is my only choice. Being around my XH means chaos and I couldn't continue on that path. Going dark protects me from him and myself. I still hold feelings for this man, along with this feelings of love, there are many others that I am not even very proud of, but I have them and I need to work on how to process them inside of myself, until then it is for my own good that I put some distance between us.
Standing - I can't lie to myself and I still love him in some ways. I also hate him in some other ways. I am very mixed up in my emotions right now. I think that for now I am standing. Why? Because I can see that there is still the turmoil, that XH is miserable with his own choices, that he made very poor decisions and he is as lost as a cockroach in a ballroom dance floor.
How I see myself as an LBS - very average, I did it all, not much of the begging because my own nature, but I did all what the newbies do and a little more. I had a lot of fear, then a lot of hate, then a lot of doubt, then a lot of paranoia, and alongside I always had a lot of pain.
Time went by and I started paying more attention in the process. Somethings started make more sense and I started having feelings for myself again. The process was right and was there the whole time, it was me that couldn't see beyond my own fears.
I got my attention more inward and even when I do not feel too good about my sitch, I still have the strength to see that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for me to try to be someone I like in the mirror.
So, here it goes: This is what I have been doing:
l. I am looking better, maybe will never be fantastic again, but I am not the worse chick in the block. 2. I am holding a full time job and get a lot of congrats for getting a crap divorce and still pull of a good quality work. 3. My three boys and I are developing a business that we intend to start sometime in 6 to 12 months so we can have some extra income. And if it is a success, then a lot of income. 4. Son 21 did a lot of new tests and the doctors found nothing wrong with him. The only thing wrong is that his IQ is too high and he does not rest when he sleeps. He is set to do a sleep test and also use a machine for awhile to measure his sleeping patterns and then the doctors will be able to determine how much his brain works even when he is sleeping. 5. Resolving College situation w/S18 - helping, talking, guiding. Besides the fact that he is graduating high school in may/16, crazy busy time for us. 6. S15 is going to Florida with his football team and there is a lot of fundraising, and of course, mom is involved and will work a lot too. 7. I am registered to do another financial class and now to improve even further the way I use, spend and invest my money. I actually like this stuff. 8. Registered myself to a divorce group, my first meeting will be on sunday and it will go once a week until end of march. 9. Just came back from a nice dinner out and a movie with the boys, we saw "The Revenant", even had a glimpse on Di Caprio's bud. 10. Will go for a Nuggets vs Thunders basketball game on tuesday January 19th in Denver. 11. Got tickets to a huge christian concert that will happen in march. 12. Going to Zumba class on saturday's mornings. 13. I keep going to the gym whatever I have a chance. 14. Have a Super Bowl party organized, I even made invitations and my kids friends as well as my friends will come. We will have full house and a lot of insanity. 15. Will go to a samba party on Jan 29th with my friends, I love to dance.
In progress: 1. Did some job searching to check out salaries and I am still thinking that I would be better off doing the classes I need so I can see my own patients. Need to make a decision on this. 2. Looking for another car, need to get everyone driving in my house,no more excuses from the lazy boys. 3. Looking into a Tai Chi class. I use to do Karate for years, now I would like to try some Tai Chi and use some inner energy to help me out. 4. Need to sell some stuff from my garage, they are big items, so need to get them on craigslist.
And in all of this, I have laundry, housecleaning, meals, keeping the paperwork... and so on.
I think I am not doing so bad. But that is when I need to face that I have still a long way to go and need to work on several feelings that are stuck inside of me. You see, I can be miserable, sad, hopeless and no one will see it. I can function like I am in heaven, and my inside is in total hell.
I have been very angry, and this anger makes me go back into "pity party" where I feel sorry for myself. Like: Why is XH having a life, fun and all the time in the world, and I need to be very responsible and be there for my kids all the time?
This is also a feeling that brings me guilty. I feel guilty that I think my kids are somewhat a burden because I can't really come and go as I please. I love my children and wouldn't do it differently. So I am stupid for being jealous.
I also think about XH way too much. I do not snoop, call, text, email or ask anything to him. For him, it is like I am dead. But I can't lie, I do keep him in my mind all the time. And I know I do not want to see him ever. Maybe I am going MAD.
Coming clean with myself I also found out that I am very afraid to let him go from inside of me. I feel this weird fear that I will stop loving him and then I will be all over. But it is all over. So why I have this fear of letting go?
So as you all see, I have a lot of work to do on myself, a lot of soul searching yet. The good news is that I have more and more a taste and a desire to be a nice woman again.
The MLC stuff: Now, this is FU. Life seems so nice and organized with my lists of what I am doing, my goals, things to do, and blah, blah, blah.
Then comes XH and hell is open again.
This just happen this morning. Keep in mind that OW arrived here last sunday for the sales meeting in Boulder. XH emailed me (twice) his january schedule for his dates with the kids and today he was suppose to be in Colorado but not local.
XH - Good Morning Cira - Would it be possible to speak with you for a minute before I bring our sons to school?
Me - Good Morning XH - There is no school today.
XH - Shoot. I do not know how I missed it. I even put on my calendar. So sorry to disturb you. I would ask to speak with you sometime soon. If you would allow me the opportunity.
Me - What's up? You can text me or email me.
XH - It's personal XH - Between us.
Me - OK. Have a good day!
XH - You too.
He is not supposed to be at my house today, from his own schedule. There is no school and he has the calendar. I tough he was having fun with his GF. He knows I am very curious. And like S21 said... dad is always finding the way to keep you thinking about him. He is not here, but he is always present.
To tell the truth I do not want to talk to him, but I want to find out what he has to say. This way I can see that he is very smart and controls me because he knows how I will react to it.
I know what to do to be independent, to take myself totally out of the picture. I ignore him always. So, what can I do about it.
I feel like letting go for good.
Sorry the long post, I will try to write more often.
Pink, Your activities sound very good, but don't wear yourself out trying to keep busy, i.e., GALing. You can still GAL just by sitting and reading a book, listening to music or watching a good film. If you find yourself angry, use that anger towards doing something physical, something you've put off doing and you really don't like to do it. Trust me, that anger will spur you on and you'll get that disliked job done in record time. It's okay to have pity parties, but don't sit on the pot too long because you'll become stuck.
I hope that your sons help you out because they are at the age that they can help mom out. The two old ones can even hang out w/the younger son to give you a time out to do something for yourself. They shouldn't be the reason that you don't go out and have some fun or a much needed breather. Yes, they will always need you, but they are also at the age whereby they can be a bit more responsible and help mom out too.
Give yourself some time to think about what YOU want to do w/YOUR life. Taking some classes will help you get to where you want to be in the working world, but also give you an opportunity to meet new people and have something different to think about.
As for your XH, sounds like he still wants you to think about him and what he wants to talk about. Your son is one smart young man about what his father is doing. I find it very interesting that he couldn't tell you in a text or email you. Is it something he doesn't want in print so that you can use it against him or is just another excuse to hook you right back into his drama? He knows that you are still there waiting and curious about what he's doing. He also senses that you are moving forward and maybe he's not happy that you appear to be happy and moving on w/your life. They have ways of hooking us right back in and this is called the distance/pursuer game. The only way to stop it is to not take their bait and continue moving forward w/o reacting to their antics.
Let go, let God have this situation w/your h. Letting go doesn't mean you are giving up, but it does mean that you are moving on w/your life and if he wakes up, he'll have a lot of hard work to do to catch up w/you and earn your trust, love and friendship back.
Pink, it all takes time. This is not a sprint, but a marathon and as you continue on your own journey, you will rediscover the person that you once were and you'll learn to love that person again and at some point, you will discover that you are happy w/the person you've become. One day at a time, one step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Pink. Your post was filled with positivity and real honesty re XH I always feel you do t give yourself the credit you should for how you've dealt with your sitch.
Your have a big family to look after and teenagers + take a lot of looking after , you work and you ha e to deal with the drama of XH. Your doing amazing and I'm so glad to see you are letting your feelings re XH come out Its ok you still think about him but you are also planning your future , work wise and finacially
Your boys are very lucky to have a mum like you.
One thing I would like to disagree with is that your not the best looking chick on the block , I don't know why but something tells me your a very attractive on the outside as well as in
Wow Pink - I think you sell yourself a little short here! You are making and have made loads of progress. You have so many constructive things going on, plus working full time and running a home with three boys. I agree with Job that they are of an age where they can help, and so do check whether you are running around after them when they could be doing for themselves. Do they have regular jobs around the house to do??
WRT your H, I understand how you feel, and from all that you post you are still processing things which is fine. I think Job is spot on with this piece of advice:
"The only way to stop it is to not take their bait and continue moving forward w/o reacting to their antics."
My guess is he will continue to act in the same way going forward. Of course that's up to him. It is also up to you whether you choose to nibble at what's on the hook. I think the more calm and less reactive you can be the better.
Good luck with the divorce group & good for you getting enrolled in that. These groups often lead to friendships - in fact I'm out tonight at a quiz with some people from my divorce group - should be fun!
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just came back from my Zumba class and it was a blast. Got a real good sweat just the way I like it.
Job - Thank you for your help. For some reason I feel you like a father figure. Please, do not be offended, I am not calling you old in any way. It is the gentleness in your words that get to me. Somehow makes me feel loved.
My boys helped me a lot around the house. Of course, and they also call me that way, I am the sergeant. I always need to boss them around so things get done. But they do a lot, S15 always help in the kitchen since this football player is always hungry. He helps with the cooking to make sure we prepare something other then a salad, as he says.
I do not need to stay around with them either. I go out with my friends, go to the gym and a do a lot of stuff and they are OK n their own. They are big teenagers, and I do not babysit them anymore. I think it is the way I am and I do like to make sure everything is running well.
The way it happen is that I need to talk to S21 and give him hope that his life will be OK again and that his sleeping issues will be resolved. Once it is all done, he will be able to hold a job again. Have a social life.
I also need to give a lot of attention to S18, there is a lot on his plate right now and big decision to make. I want to make sure he can count on me to discuss his issues, life choices.
And S15 is my little one. Always hard on mom, but always the little one the will crawl back and give me a big hug. He is one tough kid, but I am the only one that he allows to see his weak side, his pain.
It really breaks my heart to see what this idiot XH is doing reg his children. In this aspect, he has zero of my admiration. I understand he had a crap childhood, but I do not excuse him for acting so poorly. My childhood was filled with regrets too, and I decide to do better then the ones before me.
XH could be sharing some of the stuff the boys are doing and help with emotional support as well as some other things. There are somethings that need to be resolved with an adult there. Money decisions. Oh well, I guess I am MOM and DAD.
Regarding me, I don't really overdue my GAL. And by the way I also read books, see movies, series on TV, I always listen to my christian music on my car (very loud) and all the crazy hip hop stuff with the boys (even louder), go to church on sunday.
I just can't stop, I was always like this, I need to be always doing something, even when I am doing nothing. That was some of the issues with XH, he is more a sitting around guy and I was always pushing everyone to do other stuff. But, I like the way I am, I always said that once dead then I have all the time in the world to rest and I am not dead yet.
I guess now XH is at peace since I am not there to bother him with my stuff.
RD - Still have in mind that trip to Ireland. I was job searching other day and found out there is an american company looking for someone to work in Dublin. I smiled thinking that maybe I can get that kind of job and transfer myself. Ha Ha that would be too funny.
And you are right about being honest of my feelings for idiot XH. However, I do not know very well what are these "feelings" anymore. I even tried myself a question: "What if XH wants to talk to me and ask if I would like to try our M again?"
I was a little confusing, not to say very scary. I tough: "Oh please, no, Geez, is that really what I want? Maybe if he work on some of his moods, behaviors, focus in life, value for the things that really matter...
I tough that it would be better if he do not ask me that question, that I am not ready to go back into the R yet. That I want to work on finding my real self and have a deep knowledge of what I really want.
This is just very confusing right now. I do not know how much I love him, if I still love him or if it is wounds of failing in my M that keeps me hook up. I really don't know yet. The one thing I know is that I do not want to be with him right now.
Sotto - you are a very good friend and I love you. Thanks for encouraging me to get into the divorce support group. I am looking forward to that and the chance to share some divorce stuff with other folks that are going through this.
I can't even believe that you found a class for me here in Boulder. You are amazing and does not stop amazing me.
DECISION - I won't contact XH reg his "Want to talk BS". As far as I know we are divorced and I am busy. There is not much I can think about that he can hurt me financially, with the kids. It was all decided and I have my divorce decree to prove it.
He can tell me he is moving to France, or the GF is moving to US and they will move in together or even get married. It would hurt but not surprise me. And in either way, it would be easier to just letting him go for good.
If he insist in this talk, I will try and push for the email. I do not see any reason that we may have such important subject that needs to be resolved in person. And I agree with Job, he may want to play some cards with me that he does not want to get it in a paper. Need to be vigilant with this snake. Thank God I am most Sicilian blood.
I just love you guys and I will endure this crazy and painful situation. I am a kid of God and will thrive for my best. It's bumpy sometimes, but it is not yet the end of "ME".
Hey pink things are very different just go back to your beginning and have a read.
By rights I too should be here, as my xh2 talked to himself in the corner in a little boys voice and made up his version of re written events.
If he was loco, then that would be more sane than he was then. He's not getting any less loco so in my eyes made no progress in 2-3 years. To me he's gone I don't see him nor bump Into him any where, which is odd. He only lives 4km or so from my house same road. It's like aliens possed him and beamed him up.
Mind you I haven't remotely moved in any circle he would my life just isn't like that anymore.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Yes, I am getting to the conclusion that XH is gone. Never coming back. He made his decision, his choices seem to be the right one for him right now.
It is not funny to see your life being torn apart, but it is the truth and I can't lie to myself any longer.
This past week XH was with his GF here in the US. And now, it is really not my business since we are divorced and he is a single guy that can do whatever he wants to.
I am just an idiot thinking that it could be turned around. Looking back I can see that I have been an idiot for very long. I did everything possible for this man to have a career, I took care after everything in a household so he could have the time to advance in his work. And all what I got was a foot on my ass.
If to forget him will take to hate him and not have any kind of relationship what so ever, then be it.
I need this person away from me, very far away from me. I think I am getting to my enough stage.
I really don't know what to do. By one hand I am curious to know what XH wants to talk with me, by other hand I am scared to death that I will get hurt once again.
I have been avoiding him in any way I can. Totally dark, really dead for him.
Saturday Jan 9th I got this text: XH - Hi Pink - Would it be OK to stop by for a few minutes tonight just to say hello to our sons? I understand if not and hope you are well.
I did not see the message, was not expecting him around because he was suppose to be with OW.
Then Friday Jan 15th I got this: XH - Good Morning Pink - would it be possible to speak with you for a minute before I bring our sons to school?
Me - Good Morning XH. There is no school today.
XH - Soot. I do not know how I missed it. I even put on my calendar. So sorry to disturb you. I would ask to speak with you sometime soon. If you would allow me the opportunity.
Me - What's up? You can text me or email me.
XH - It's personal XH - Between us
Me - OK. Have a good day!
XH - You too.
Then he text and call the kids several times during the weekend to talk about the football games, what the kids were up to. Some they answered, some they didn't.
Then today at 10:30am I got a text saying:
XH - Hello Pink - I would like to know if you might have any time this afternoon to meet for a coffee or something? Or another day or time this week?
Me - 10:56am - Good Morning XH - It this any issue with our kids? Just want to know what is about before I decide if it is something to resolve in person or we can resolve by text or email. I am not disregarding your request, if it is important for you, then I will meet you. But I would rather not. Please, let me know.
XH - 12:38am - It has nothing to do with our sons. Just between you and me. I understand.
XH - 1:19pm - I understand if you do not want to meet me. It is important for me to meet with you and talk.
XH - If you could.
I did not answer him yet. I can't think about something so important that he needs to see me in order to tell me. We are divorced for 5 months and there is nothing that we need to resolve, it is all done by the court.
The reality is that I am reacting from FEAR... I put myself in the dark and it feels good because I do not need to hurt as much.
If anyone can just give an opinion I would appreciate, maybe I can see things from another perspective.
