Finished our meeting. We spent an hour in the bank. No R talk. W complained about her sister and Aunt giving her grief about her relationship with S and who knows what else? Certainly didn't seem happy. Listened and then changed the topic to lots of info about S and what we have been doing. Told her she could give S a late arriving Xmas present which pleased her. W gave me her MP3 player and asked could I put some music for her. Ok. She wanted to go to another bank but as I wasn't needed I said I'd leave. We finished with a couple of kisses (on the lips as I didn't see the point in saying no again) and a hug. Commented on my cologne. Looked at me smilingly at various moments throughout the hour. Left her with a smile. Who knows what is in her head? Didn't ask about her life, OM etc.
Of course as the day goes on I get to thinking about how good she looked, how at ease I felt in her company and like old times it felt. I felt strong at the time but now I feel down, scared and jealous. Down for the whole sitch, scared what the future might or might not bring and jealous of OM who gets to be with W. I've been trying mindfulness which has helped me try to live in the moment but today I can't see a positive end.
Hi Scrant, I'm sorry you're having a rough day. But it sounds as though you did well with the meeting at the bank. It's good to get these things sorted asap, and then it is done.
It is weird - that feeling of intense familiarity. My H and I haven't spoken for many months now - but last time we did, I felt how intensely familiar it was and how well we know each other. But, fact is he left for someone else and so did your W. The intense familiarity we thought we had has gone, and that is something to grieve. You will have good days and bad - and more good as time goes on. The main thing is not to act on your longings on the bad days - I've never regretted doing nothing on those days.
Keep moving forward - you're doing well. Mindfulness has helped me a great deal recently. I've read a couple of Ekhart Tolle books, plus some Jon Kabat Zinn, and I"m listening to some free Australian Learn to Meditate podcasts just now. They are all good ways to put the focus back onto you.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks. I'll check out the podcasts. I went for a run with the running group. A bit cliquey but I'll try again another day. I've held back from the temptation to text her with any excuse. I won't but I miss her a lot today. Just have to put it down as a bad day. I think doing nothing is the best advice I can take for the moment.
Tonight I decided to go to see a concert of singer who W and I saw a couple of years back. Spur of the moment decision. First time I've ever gone to something by myself. Had a couple of beers and enjoyed the show for about half an hour before I went to the bathroom . On the way back who stopped me but W! Momentary panic as I asked who was she with. She was with a married couple who are friends of ours. No sign of OM. Couldn't really walk away so spent the next hour and half chatting to them. The other couple commented how well I was looking,I took the opportunity to let W know what I'd been upto. She grabbed hold of me for a photo of us together which she sent to friends and S. S told me afterwards he realized how weird it must have been for me. Sang and enjoyed the show. Afterwards told them I was off to see S. W queued with me for coats. Hug and kiss goodbye. Later I sent her a couple of photos and video taken from front row . She sent me a photo of the singer with her signing her ticket. She told me S had turned down a lunch with her tomorrow. I told S that I still loved W but I couldn't change things and I have to live my life as if she isn't coming back. Strange evening as W seemed so pleased to be with me, wondered why OM doesn't appear with her but in the end I know nothing has changed.
Hi Scrant, that was a funny coincidence and I'm glad your W was with friends rather than with OM. It sounds like you did well to come across as an independent guy who looks well, is dealing with things and going places. All very attractive.
Again, I would always err on the side of caution with the hugs, kisses, texting stuff. As a general rule, I would say don't initiate and respond at 70% of her level of enthusiasm. Plus, try to stick to whatever you would do with a neighbour or colleague.
As for why OM wasn't out - well there could be 1001 reasons, but not your sandbox right? Know this - until or unless your W 'breaks' and speaks genuinely and remorsefully to you of her desire to reconcile - stick firmly to your path. Glimmers of this or that (ie: her out with friends rather than OM) are merely to be noted and then filed away.
Good for you with the GAL my friend. You see how GAL always leads to SOMETHING..we don't always know what. But the very act of getting yourself 'out' can bring new gifts into our lives.
Have a great weekend. And remember, any time after a good interaction with W - draw back - never prolong...
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Last night sees like a surreal dream. It always feels strange not to be in touch with W then whenever we meet it as if nothing has changed. Trying not to over analyze what happened. Just tried to be friendly, let her see me happy not down etc. don't want to have false hope but definitely haven't got over her yet. We never talk about R or OM. She seemed resigned to S not wanting to see her which I found strange. She had texted him to meet for lunch but he said he didn't see the point. When I got home talked to S who was in a good mood after watching a Basketball game. I said I' ve no problem with him doing things with his M, he said he knows but doesn't want to. He worried more about how I was coping with W's surprise appearance. Don't know if things went well or not last night, just feels strange. No idea how she will have seen it. Seemed happy to be with me but as always back home to OM!
Hi Sotto! Didn't see your reply to my previous post. Thanks for the advice. I'll keep firm. She was surprised to see me out on my own! Next Friday she is away for 5 days with OM, a trip they booked in November. No danger of bumping into her! I' ll keep on my path, not initiating and see what happens.
