B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[TxHubby]

Don't ever let your wife's stupidity interfere with your role as a father. All you need to know is that your daughter wants you there. Once there sit wherever the hell you want to sit regardless of what your wife thinks. You've put her opinion first for too long and she takes it for granted. Do what you want.

Yeah...it just makes so much sense hearing it said like this. Its just, well, I'm not good at acting that way. I think its pretty telling that the second response my WW has is...are you afraid to talk to me...ugh.

"No, I'm not afraid to talk to you. God how I would LOVE to talk to you. The real you. The you I hope and pray still exists in there somewhere. The you that I fell in love with. Not the you that is capable of hurting me worse than I would have ever believed. This you I'm not afraid to talk to but I have very little desire to talk to."

Try something like that.

[Bfice3]

I just hate this so much. All of it.

Texts:

Me: Okay, well I've got stuff going on this weekend, so it'd be best to discuss whatever it is this evening early. I need to drop D(11) and S(9) off at the house around 3 or 3:30. You can call me then.

WW: Great! I hope you have something fun planned! Don't have my planner. Will you be around at 6?


So...I was trying to set some boundaries for myself by not letting her dictate that sometime over the course of the whole weekend she could give me a call when she wanted. Thereby ultimately ruining my weekend as I anticipate her calling. I lied about having plans, well kind of, I mean I do have some plans, but mainly I just wanted to get whatever call she feels we need to have over as soon as possible because I don't want it hanging over my head.

Then she responds with the whole "Great! I hope you have something fun planned!" thing...its just...man...she's so gone...its hurts so much to have this woman just act like I am some person, I dont know what...she just feels like she can treat me however the hell she pleases and it simply doesn't matter. But, I guess I should only be concerned with myself...let her comments roll off and away and know that I'm taking care of myself.

My plans for the weekend:

Friday: Go to daughters basketball game and after attend an AA meeting (the AA meetings really help me find focus and calm)
Saturday: Go to breakfast with a friend and then after go to a men's meeting with him. Then clean up the apartment a bit, and study for my next exam. Probably play some video games. Then a night meeting where I will pick up my 90 sobriety chip! Yay for me.
Sunday: Go to another early morning men's meeting then attend mass. Grocery store for dinner supplies for the kids coming over this week and more studying and maybe some catch-up work.

Anyway...later all. Hope you all have a good weekend.

[sandi2]

Okay...so she responds to my text:

WW: At some point this weekend, I need to talk to you about next week and the kids.

Me: An email is fine.

WW: No its not. I would like feedback.
WW: Are you afraid to talk to me?
WW: There are all kid dentist apps at 7am next Tuesday for

You: "I have no reason to be afraid to talk to you". "Just thought an email would work". "I suggest we share a google calendar (or some other type) for just kids scheduling".

I mean seriously, she isn't interested in your feedback! She is going to TELL you what, where, and when the kids have something, period. She is more interested in knowing what you have been doing, and she wants to still have control in your life.

Do not live as though you are her dirty little secret she has stuck in a one room apartment. She has it made, doesn't she? Living in the home, with you supporting her and being there for the kids whenever she has other plans...........and she gets to continue her A.

You are enabling her to lie and cover up her A. She is asking you to lie for her, by going along with the sharade publicly and to your kids/family.

[Bfice3]

Okay...well this is all completely unexpected. I feel like I'm in kindergarten and have literally zero idea of what the right thing to do is.

Me: Around 6 is fine. And no I'm not afraid to talk to you. God how I would LOVE to talk to you. The real you. The you I hope and pray still exists in there somewhere. The you that I fell in love with. Not this you that is capable of hurting me worse than I ever would have believed possible. But no, I'm not afraid to talk to you, I just have very little desire to talk to this you.
Me: I will set up a Google calendar that we can share access to for scheduling of all kids activities.
WW: I understand. I must seem like the devil right now. I pray I will change.
WW: I don't know how to use a Google calendar, but maybe the kids can teach me.



So...anyway...I don't believe a darn thing she is saying, and I feel like an idiot for saying that about loving her, though it is true...I really don't want to have to talk to her at 6. But I am going to the game tonight either way and I am not going to sit next to her.

Thank you Sandi and TxHubby for helping me out here. I know this is ridiculous...I'm 41 years old and can't even have a text conversation with my W...but...it is what it is I guess.

[TxHubby]

Okay...well this is all completely unexpected. I feel like I'm in kindergarten and have literally zero idea of what the right thing to do is.

Me: Around 6 is fine. And no I'm not afraid to talk to you. God how I would LOVE to talk to you. The real you. The you I hope and pray still exists in there somewhere. The you that I fell in love with. Not this you that is capable of hurting me worse than I ever would have believed possible. But no, I'm not afraid to talk to you, I just have very little desire to talk to this you.
Me: I will set up a Google calendar that we can share access to for scheduling of all kids activities.
WW: I understand. I must seem like the devil right now. I pray I will change.
WW: I don't know how to use a Google calendar, but maybe the kids can teach me.



So...anyway...I don't believe a darn thing she is saying, and I feel like an idiot for saying that about loving her, though it is true...I really don't want to have to talk to her at 6. But I am going to the game tonight either way and I am not going to sit next to her.

Thank you Sandi and TxHubby for helping me out here. I know this is ridiculous...I'm 41 years old and can't even have a text conversation with my W...but...it is what it is I guess.

Don't feel stupid. You would know how to text your W but this isn't her. She's "possessed" right now for lack of a better term. I really hope she has at least one person trying to talk sense into her. Someone who can sink in the message that her behavior might ruin the best part of her life. Nobody has ever blown up their life through a MLC and said they were happier afterward. Her current path leads to a haunting lifelong regret for her and it frustrates you because you can't get that through to her. They really are a mindf*ck when they go through this. I had been married to my W for 26 years when she went nuts. I had no idea who she was.

If it makes you feel better, you're stronger right now than I was at the same point in the process when I was going through it. I got to a point where I could no longer live with her waffling. It became ultimatum time. You stop all this bullsh!t right now this very minute or we're done and when I walk, I walk for good. No looking back because I'll know I did everything I could to save this and you couldn't be reached.

You may get to that point. At that point she may choose a different life. You have to know that is a possibility. Accepting that gives you strength. You're going to be fine either way. You really are. You'd love for her to be part of your life and grow old together but you don't have to have that. You can move on, mourn the loss, get out there and find love again. It happens.

You'll wake up one morning and it'll click that you've reached your limit of limbo and are truly done. That could be the actual final end or your relationship or the moment that truly saves it. For me it saved it but I know I would have been fine either way. How long you guys keep doing this dance is completely up to you. You can't control her stupid behavior but you can control how long you'll put up with it.

[RosaLinda]

Just have a minute, how about this. YOU get there first and force your wife to make the decision LOL let us know how it goes!

[Bfice3]

Haha, thanks RosaLinda! You know, see...its crazy because I was thinking I should do the exact opposite...show up late and make sure that I can control exactly where I sit. Especially now that I sent her that soppy text earlier...

Hope you have a great weekend RosaLinda! I'll be sure and post updates.

[Bfice3]

Well...apparently she got what she wanted...just to make freakin angry as she can possibly make me. I'm shaking right now.

She had nothing to discuss. All she wanted was to get her two days back from where she's losing them for going out of town for work.

Instead it ends up turning into a freakin yelling match and her threatening to take me to court and ruin me and have her mom get on the stand and call me a drug addict, and that I'm an alcoholic, I dont deserve 50% custody and on and on....omg....I really just can't stand this woman.

[InLikeFlynn]

You need to have a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) for those occasions!!! In case she follows thru with those threats or claims abuse etc!! Even if not admissible in your state it can be used to show people that she was lying etc.

[RosaLinda]

So sorry, hearing that nasty vicious spew must have been so upsetting B. How did you handle it?

Please check the recording laws in your state; many permit recording a conversation with consent of only one party (which would be you in this case). But if you live in a "one-party consent" law state, secretly recording a conversation is a crime.