Crossing Many Waters

[CaliGuy]

The little peek a boos are nice here and there, sometimes much needed to remind us that they actually used to be a person once

You did well, listen, stfu and make the exchange safe hopefully allowing them a sense of security and no pressure should they feel the urge to share again later

[mleigh4]

I remember when H was living in the spare room, I was blown away by what a mess the room was. Clothes and papers everywhere, bed a heap of sheets and blankets....nothing I ever saw from H....it blew me away. Where he lives now, the kitchen looks this way but living room is clean. I have not seen his bedroom.

[job]

I agree w/Cali. You did very well. The more you listen and validate, the more he'll open up. He needs to know that it's safe to reveal things to you. If he asks for advice, then offer it, but if he doesn't, just listen.

He's peeking out just a wee bit and each grain of sand that drops down in the hour glass is one more closer to him figuring himself out.

[HaWho]

Another few peek outs today. H reminds me of a prairie dog popping out of the tall grass.

We were alone in the kitchen today. I don't initiate any conversations unless they are about the kids or something financial. H asks if I know the game schedule for the kids. I say I do not. Then he asks if we all want to do something this weekend. I say sure. (Usually he makes plans with kids and doesn't address me even when I am sitting right there...lol!) Then he asks if we want to go away as the kids have Monday off. I say sure. He suggested this over winter break and forgot all about it so I assume he will do the same.

At S12's game h tells me about a movie he watched that he recommends. I ask a few questions about it.

Then we come home and as I am washing up the dishes, h has made himself something and has left the dirty plate and blender on the side. He tells me to let him know when I am finished using the sink so that he can clean up. (I realize now he was probably looking for praise.) He goes to the dorm room. A few minutes later as I have just finished cleaning up he comes out and says: I guess you are done now. I say yes, just finished. He cleans up his stuff. That is a change from leaving his food out for 3 days.

I didn't validate because it kind of feels like I am patronizing him?!? But I think I need to remind myself that I would validate S12 so I should validate h 12's domestic work, too. Probably I should just say: wow, it looks clean in here-thanks!

And, another first in a long time, at bedtime he came upstairs to say goodnight to the boys. I am surprised he remembered how to climb the stairs. He joked with S10 just as he used to at bedtime.

Then the prairie dog ducked back into the borrow that is his dorm room.

[job]

He's feeling safer in doing things around you. He's having a few moments of clarity and I can't believe he cleaned up after himself in the kitchen. That's great! Continue as you have been doing because it's working.

[HaWho]

So, around 9:30 last night h just showed up in my bedroom. When I saw it was him, I don't think I did such a hot job of acting "as if." It threw me for a loop that he all of a sudden was coming not just upstairs, but to my room.

When I realize it is him I pull the covers up higher. It is so awkward. He asks if we want to go to Yosemite this weekend. I know my eyes flashed in surprise. I have always wanted to see Yosemite and the Grand Canyon but he hates nature trips. (He always worries he'll be eaten by a bear or bitten by a snake, etc.).

So again, bad acting "as if," rather than say "sure," I say, in a very surprised way: "you want to go to Yosemite???" He shrugs. I know he doesn't really want to go. He mentions some cities we could have gone to (which he loves and I do to) but he says he decided on Yosemite. He is telling me he is choosing Yosemite over cities.

I say sure. But I know I am kind of frozen from surprise. This is sad, but I am expecting something MLC weird to happen. Like, for him to say, "great,
I'll be bringing 3 college girls with me."

He turns around and sees all these baskets of laundry; it's a mess behind him. He asks: what's all that? I say: the kids need to fold all that. He jokes that my room is a hovel. I laugh as it is super messy with all those clothes.

He leaves and my whole stomach is in knots. 5 minutes later he returns to run dates by me. I say yes but I am kind of worried about the hotel arrangement. Honestly, I am having anxiety about sharing a bed with him. Not that I think anything will happen because it won't. It's just I have never been casual
about sharing beds with men. And I have received such a heavy hand of projection directed at my body.

After he leaves I hear him playing his guitar. He is playing Major Tom. There was an interesting documentary on David Bowie that my h recorded. I watched it before he did. In the early years Bowie says he was quite nihilistic in his lyrics. When he quit drugs and realized how lucky he was not to have died from an overdose his music because more positive. Major Tom was one of those turning point songs.

[job]

OMG! He made it all the way upstairs and into your bedroom! That's a huge step for him. If you go to the Grand Canyon, you will love it. Be sure to take photos because no two will be alike. It is one of the most beautiful places to visit...but dress warmly. I was there in late May and they had just gotten a late snow there. Of course, I was packed for late spring weather and had to go searching for warmer clothes. Again, it's a beautiful place.

I also enjoyed Yosemite. It's really a nature adventure and I think you and your children would enjoy the time away. Something different for all of you.

He's probably not thinking about the sleeping arrangements, but then again, he may have already thought about each of you sleeping w/a child. We don't have a clue how their minds work, but I can understand your anxiety.

Your room is a hovel? Wonder what he thinks about his dorm room. LOL!

Well, it's certainly starting out to be an interesting year for your family. I do hope you enjoy your trip.

[mleigh4]

I am liking the peek outs! It's good to hear. Keep doing what you are doing. BTW I don't think there is anything wrong with asking "you want to go to Yosemite!?" like you did. We can't always act as if, we do have emotions and should be able to show them when appropriate. You did great

[bttrfly]

Hi Ha,
I can imagine your shock at the visit! I don't know much here so take this with a grain of salt as I could be waaaay off ... re: the hotel. Try your best not to think about it. Whatever happens with the arrangements, try to let it happen as organically as possible. These people change so much from minute to minute even. Maybe try to think about what you want - what is most comfortable for you. I guess my point is try not to let worry diminish your excitement about the trip.

keep the whackamole mallet handy just in case

[HaWho]

Thanks Job, Mleigh and Bttrfly- I appreciate all the good advice. Mleigh, your point was a good one I had not considered. And Bttrfly, yes things should happen as organically as they can when dealing with a crazy person.

So trip to Yosemite did not work for this weekend. Initially we found last minute air fare deals but they went fast given the long weekend.

A few more (strange) peek outs from h. When he told me the air fare deals didn't work out he said there was still a deal to San Fran. Then he said we could go to Napa/wine country?!? I just listened. First off, wine country with 2 boys does not sound very relaxing. H doesn't really drink wine, also. And of course, the third reason: it's a little odd in that we'll probably be surrounded by couples getting engaged and showing tons of PDA. A little awkward. I am sure he will go to the dorm room and cross that off the destination list.

S10 had two games today and in between we stopped for a bite to eat. As we were walking in h asked if I would share a salad if he ordered one. I said I had already eaten but thanks. Last week we stopped at the same place between games and when h didn't finish his salad I went and grabbed a new fork and finished his salad. I think he took note of me not sharing his fork. Small gesture but big statement. I didn't want to hurt or insult him but it's just a bit too personal for my taste. Today he still put the salad between us and offered me some.

He has been cracking more jokes lately. He is a very funny person. Everytime he makes me laugh I repeat to myself that he is still crazy.

S12 has been teasing h. Today he asked h why he had that pouch around his middle and was he a kangaroo? He told h he could be hiding a person in there. H shushed S12 in this cranky way. H weighs himself every single day.