Thanks, Betsey, for the recommendations. I am looking forward to the holiday... excited to have time off from work, and lots of quality time with D(now 5!), but also a bit stressed to have her for the next week on my own. Feel like there is so much to do and no time to do it, and here I am awake at midnight. Sigh.
I've been thinking the last couple of days that I may be reaching a new place in my mindset. There is still grief, but it feels...different somehow. The holidays and my D's birthday hit me really hard this year. As I sent her off to celebrate with her father, I was struck with a really deep sadness, I think magnified by the realization that this is the new normal. I mean, I've been missing out on time with her for the last two years... but I think up until very recently I still had some hope. I think I've finally let go of that, and so there is a new level of grief to process. Does that make any sense?
On the other hand, letting go for good has helped me interact with him more positively. I've responded to a few of his recent (typically long and over-explanatory and slightly anxiety-ridden) emails with lightheartedness. Easy-breezy. I am not the same overly-anxious woman he married. Somehow it's easier to be this way when I just don't really give a F anymore what he does. Because he hasn't changed all that much in positive ways, and I want someone better than him next time round.
At least, that's where I'm at today. I'll take tomorrow as it comes.
Hope everyone is having a happy holiday. Just had to share. ..
Stbx texted asking if he could speak to D. As they were talking, D asked, "where are you daddy?" "Where am i? I'm at a friends house" "Who is it?" "You don't know them." "That's ok daddy, I can still know their name" "It's a friend from work"
So, I know that it's his gf, and it was just so fascinating to listen to him be so uncomfortable. I mean, he left me 2 years ago and is spending xmas with his gf and her family... and his D is not a part of their lives. That must be tough. Sad, really.
It's nice to not have to live with so much pressure or any secrets. No wonder he tells me this divorce is affecting his health!
Here's to all of us, living with dignity, grace and integrity. Onwards to a peaceful 2016.
Need some help with perspective taking and how to respond.
Stbx and my parenting agreement states that we split D5's school vacations (a week in Feb and a week in april). My work calendar follows the school calendar so I have both of those weeks off.
Stbx at first agreed to take D5 for feb. He also said he "is not taking D on vacation that week" so he's trying to find coverage.
Then I get this in an email: Regarding Feb break, i havent heard back yet from (our part-time babysitter), so this point may ultimately be moot. But i wonder if you are planning to go away, and if not, whether you would spend tuesday / thursday morning with D5. I am confused why there is this assumption that if its my week, we have to pay for a class if the babysitter is unavailable. If you are on a vacation those days, i get it. But if not, I am not sure i understand your position."
I would like to get away for a few days (as he has done with his more flexible schedule many times). Isn't this just one of the consequences? How relevant is it that I have a vacation week,and is it unreasonable for me to hold him to our agreement. Am I entitled to my time off even if I'm not going away on a vacation?
I should add that he's recently told me about 3 or 4 instances where he won't be able to be with D5 on his parenting time because of work trips.
This has been our dynamic-- his position is logical and reasonable; mine is not.
I would like to go away for a few days but haven't made plans yet. Any thoughts on how to respond in a detached way?
How about something like, "I am planning on going away for a few days to recharge and have fun so I won't be available."
You don't owe him an explanation of why. Go somewhere and have fun!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
First of all it's completely reasonable for you to go out of town if you want to. To me that's beside the point. You don't know him an explanation that whatever you are doing on those days is just as valid as what he would be doing. I would be tempted to simply reply that you had planned on his having your daughter on those days, and that while you want to be flexible, you won't be able to help out this time.
And as to this .........
Originally Posted By: claire7
This has been our dynamic-- his position is logical and reasonable; mine is not.
At this point who cares if he thinks his position is reasonable and yours is not?
And all of that being said ...... It seems like there are lots of scheduling issues in your sitch. You might want to spend some time thinking about how accommodating you want to be overall. In my situation, I hate the patchwork childcare plans my XH puts together when a problem comes up during his time. The discomfort of worrying about where they are outweighs the comfort I would get by having a break, so for now, I usually bail him out. It sounds to me though, in your situation, that he's just complaining about the expense involved.
His argument is that I have off that week and he doesn't. (Though I should add that his job is quite flexible and he can often take time off or "work from home" when he needs to.
He thinks that if I don't have to work because I'm on break it doesn't make sense for him to be responsible for childcare unless I have an actual, out of town vacation planned.
I guess that answers it! Plan an actual out of town vacation!
Well- I guess I still have the view that it doesn't matter what he might think. If you want to spend the days lounging in pajamas while ordering takeout- that's perfectly ok. You don't need to tell him your plans. You both agreed to this parenting plan. He doesn't get to make you feel guilty that you're on vacation and available.
Not only did we agree to it but he quit mediation because *I* didn't sign it fast enough.
Do I mention anything about how that's what we've agreed to???
His stance is always, "Claire, I want you to have the time you need so if you ever want some extra time just say so."
I guess I just have to say so and stop over thinking it. You're all totally right-- why do I care what he thinks? Why should I feel guilty about taking advantage of the biggest benefit of my job. It would be different if we were together, but sorry you fired me.
Also... the timing of this vacation coincides with the first anniversary of his dad's death.
I feel like I have a constant internal battle between being compassionate and giving, and being manipulated and a pushover. I do think it's manipulative-- "if you are going on an actual vacation then your time isn't really valuable ". Mena while this is going to be pretty much my only time off till summer. And this is what he signed up for and chose.
Just because you don't accommodate his every request doesn't make you a less compassionate person. From my limited perspective, you seem like a very devoted mom who has been very reasonable with your h. I believe you are a teacher? If so, yes, your h may be privy to your schedule. However, he doesn't get to dictate what you do. Nope.
If I have learned anything these last 2 years it's that, ultimately we are responsible for our decisions. And that goes for your h as well. Because you want to take a vacation doesn't mean you are being vindictive or punishing your h. Quite the contrary. You are taking care of you so you can be the best Clare you can be. Again, you owe no one an explanation.
I stand by my previous response. Hang in there and go have fun! Life is short:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
