Looks like I'm here

[beckyb]

Maybell I love that! Right now I'm finding it hard to shave my legs, let along worry about great underwear.

Betsey, in my state if both parties can come to an agreement a hearing is not necessary. If we can negotiate an agreement ahead of time I nave have to see H or go in front of a judge. Sadly, it is very easy to get divorced here.

I am still DBing and working with a coach. Even though I don't think I will be successful it helps keep me focused on what I need to do while keeping the door cracked just a little.

If I could find a decent place I would rent.

[beckyb]

Looks like the pre-trial conference that was scheduled for 1/12 has been cancelled. I don't know why yet. So frustrating.

Hopefully H will just respond to my proposal and we can get on with the negotiation.

[beckyb]

At what point is DBing no longer helpful? I feel like I need permission to "give up" on my marriage. It feels very wrong to simply move on. I know there is nothing I can do to make my H come back but I still put everything through the DB filter. And I feel like that keeps me on the edge of hope and keeps me from fully coming to terms with what is happening.

If anyone has any insights about how to move fully forward to accept and process the divorce, please chime in.

[Underdog]

Becky,

DBing is a way of life for many of us here. The goal is to save ourselves first. If we have a legitimate shot at showing our spouse that we *can* change ourselves and improve our marriage, that's the gravy on the mashed potatoes. You can't make someone love you. But you CAN love yourself.

You don't move on, you move forward. You can't allow yourself to disappoint yourself based on what others think or do. First and foremost, you must prioritize yourself.

DBing your STBXH might look differently now. You might want to make a goal that you just change the way you communicate. I'll bet that many of your issues (like 99.9% of us here) are the direct result of an inability to communicate well? So DB him (and everyone else in your life) so that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Learn how to state your needs firmly but with compassion.

I challenge you to replace that sentence about keeping you on the edge of hope with one of faith that you are resilient and will prevail, no matter what the outcome may be. You don't need to be bitter or cynical to be in a mindset of accepting what today has to offer and making it the best day you can.

DBing isn't manipulating. For me, it was a lasting change. I've had a couple relapses, namely with a very tough period communicating with my now D21 when she was a senior in high school and for a couple years of college. I had a really tough time when some of my DB pals here reminded me that I possessed the skills to get out of our stalemate. So I got back to basics with the DB principles and worked my way back into a harmonious R with my daughter. Not perfect, but I begin with the end in mind, ask myself if what I say or don't say will bring us closer together and I pay attention to what she has to say.

I still do this with my XH, because we parent two girls together. I want my family to be as emotionally healthy as we can be, and I want to teach them how to live by example. It was very tough to change, but with discipline, it really makes an everlasting difference. It's helped me in my friendships and business relationships as well.

It's nothing more than the golden rule: to treat others the way I want to be treated. Sometimes I just need to show them how to do that.

It sounds like you feel you're wearing a halloween costume and wanting permission to take it off. It's a permanent way of dress. Otherwise, we come off as manipulative and phony.

If that's the case and you're truly not comfortable with your path, what do you feel you need to do to make yourself feel better about your life and your prospects for a happy future? In other words, what are your plans to MOVE FORWARD with your bucket list?

Or are you just feeling bad about the prospect of a failed marriage? I understand that. We all go through our mourning on that. It's not linear and it takes time. But you still need to make your future all about you. It took about 2 years for me to fully process my divorce and the fallout. It's like death - it takes time for the rawness to go away, but you still have grieving to do along the way. It's especially hard when it's not a clean break and obvious. For me personally, that two years was spent mostly forgiving myself. Be gentle with yourself.

In the meantime, I'd like to know more about who YOU are as a person and what you want to be when you grow up. Put that focus back on you...

Hugs,
Betsey

[Underdog]

p.s. Probably the hardest R for me is my R with my mom. I love her, and we're good most of the time. But I have to put my DB hat on with her more often than most people in my life. Sometimes, she can be cruel and I expect her to be different as she ages. Why, I don't know. Because it's insanely stupid.

Sometimes I get so angry at our reality. I wonder how a mother could say what she says to me, yet go to church every day and do many things right otherwise? When I get stuck, I have a few people I can call. My biggest ally was her sister, who passed away suddenly in April. I lost the one person who understood both of us and found a way to help me work through stuff that can't be taken back. I've chosen to forgive her for her shortcomings and I remind myself that she does the best job she can with what she knows. Even though it falls short of the bar I set for myself and my R with my girls, it's true. She's chosen not to fix things or how she feels. The reality is that I have choices too, and I've chosen this path. Sometimes it's the hardest choice I have to make.

DBing gives me a way to communicate better. My old self would retaliate or say something equally hurtful to her. Now I evaluate if that brings me closer to my goal. My goal isn't to change her, Becky. It's to change me. I can fix how I respond to that. I choose to shut it down and not give it fuel to live on. I can sleep better at night when I choose that path. I figure the ugliness that occasionally comes out is a reflection of how she feels about herself and her anxieties. It's not about me.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

[beckyb]

Thanks for your response. I am a very strong and resilient person, sometimes too strong. I will be ok no matter what. That's not really the issue.

I am examining my life and trying to make some changes. STBX and I don't communicate much, so not much room to improve. I'be been so concerned about not pursing, going dark etc. I don't communicate. Now I'm ready to say "screw it" and do what I want.

I believe all the stuff you described is great but it's not DB. It's becoming a better person. To me, if you no longer have a goal of saving the the marriage it's not DB. Some of the concepts transfer but it's different.

I am realizing there is no hope for the marriage but it doesn't feel right just letting it go, even though it's out of my hands.

Right now I have my hands full getting my house ready to sell and dealing with the settlement. I'm staying busy no big new things right now.

Kind of rambling.

[beckyb]

Maybe a little more clarity. As I move closer and closer to really letting go of my marriage it feels both good and bad. In 8 months I've gone from happily (I thought) marriage to almost divorced. Lots of emotion as I wrap my head around that.

[beckyb]

Update: I have been posting here and there for a while but here is an update on my situation. From now on all my updates will be here.

My H and his L have my proposal. H is still submitting accurate financial information. Our court dates were cancelled due to the judge's schedule and likely won't happen until early March. So, unfortunately there is no sense of urgency for H.

I have no idea what his response will be, or when but I'm really ok no matter what. Unless the judge is completely crazy the worst-case scenario will still be tolerable, though hard to swallow. I'm no longer stressing about it. It is out of my hands now. And God has always provided more than enough for me.

I am dreading the whole legal process, selling a house, filing taxes and all that stuff. Can't wait for it to be over.

I accept that my marriage is over. I don't think any amount of DBing will change that. My goal is to get through this with grace and mercy.

My feelings toward H are mixed. I am disappointed, puzzled and sometimes angry at what he has done. I also feel sorry for him. He is not happy, he is not healthy. He is very far from God. I pray for him and I pray that I will be able to forgive.

This weekend is the 1 year anniversary of his father's death. Today I sent him a text saying I was praying for him as he deals with this. No agenda. No ulterior motive. He said Thank You.

I've been gaining insight into a lot of other things in my life that I will start to share. From now on my updates will be in Surviving the Big D.

[beckyb]

Well it looks like H finally got all his stuff out of the house. Very mixed emotions about this. He still owes me back a hand gun he took, he took a few things I didn't intend and he left me with junk to clean up. I would expect no less from my hoarder husband. He is so broken. Sigh.

Still no response to my proposal and still no new court dates.

On the plus side, with a lot of help from family and friends I'm checking stuff off my to-do list on the house.

[beckyb]

I think it's time for some new goals. I feel a bit adrift waiting for the divorce process to run its course.

Physical:
*In addition to Pilates 2x per week I will do something aerobic 2 days per week.
*I will track what I eat and drink in the WW app

Emotional/Mental:
*I will do Brain Training exercises every day for 10 minutes.
*I will finish Mater Plan months 3 and 4
*I will listen to 1 Ted Talk or other talk per week
*I will read 2 books per month. One fiction, one non-fiction.
*I will resume piano lessons
*I will do one activity per month with someone outside my core group
*I will attend Divorce Care every week possible

Spiritual
*I will read some scripture everyday
*I will pray for other people everyday
*I will write 3 gift in my journal everyday
*I will attend women's bible study every week possible