B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Vanilla]

Great interactions and attitude. Love it very much. Calm, amused and grounded.


V

[RosaLinda]

Great job this week B, except.....quit looking at your wife's match.com profile! You are just hurting yourself, and must realize that 99% of the stuff she writes on there HAS to be lies, to justify herself, a married woman, being on there, fishing for dates.

I used to read all of my ex's emails. He belonged to the Russian version of Facebook, and wrote to dozens of Russian women over the years, telling them how he was this poor abused man whose B of a wife was cheating on him, but he was staying in the marriage for his kids (cleverly did not mention that the "kids" were in their 20s and 30s LOL), and that he had been so broken hearted and empty until he met her, the newest conquest.

It hurt so much at the time, but I was sort of obsessed with reading them, and I justified it to myself that it was okay to read all his messages so I'd know what he was up to. I knew what he was up to, he was lining up EA and PA partners, and was just hurting myself reading his lies, and the women's answers. Had to quit cold turkey, but it helped my positive outlook a lot!

So, to sum up. I did 95% of the work for the kids this week. But I'm the [censored].

Thank God they have you. Just saying So, did she bring your son to the doctor yesterday, or did you end up doing that too?

While my kids were with me this week, I tried to remember to hug them and tell them I loved them every time I could. I tried to stay present in every moment that I had them with me so that I was being their Dad, and just a distant grown-up going through a crisis that was responsible for them.

And don't think that they won't remember this, B. You are their rock, their fortress, their stability in a world turned upside down by their crazy mom. Hopefully your wife will appreciate you too, someday, and not just take you being such a good dad for granted. But even if she does not, they will.

I was sort of surprised whe,n after over seven years of craziness, I told my sons that I had filed for divorce, and they both told me that they were proud of me! Flabbergasted. So don't think your kids don't see what you are going thru.

Then she says, you know, this is why we aren't married anymore (Making a hand gesture between us) because you've been like this for so long and are just an [censored].

I smiled. Got in the car and drove off.
And that was it.

Good job! Bet THAT made her head spin in surprise

Today's homily in mass was about 'Be Not Afraid' and learning to hear God's will. That's what I took from it, and that's how I plan on living this week. I'm going to forge into this week, and be not afraid.

Nothing to fear when you are trusting the Lord, right? No one can know what your wife will decide to do, but we all know the ending for you - BFice will end up a great man, beloved by his children, and in good physical and emotional shape for a new relationship, whether it's with your wife or someone else. Who will have passed ALL his exams! So forge on my friend. You are doing great, truly a different man from the man you were last October!

[Bfice3]

quit looking at your wife's match.com profile!

it helped my positive outlook a lot!

I know...I need to remember that its only hurting me. Its hard though. I have stopped looking at facebook and her email. Though, I realized too from looking at match.com that she has to have another email account because she isn't getting any notifications at all from match.com and well...yeah. So, just in general she has been way more secretive and hidden about everything she is doing than I truly ever expected her to be capable of.

So, did she bring your son to the doctor yesterday, or did you end up doing that too?

Ha. Well, she did bring him to the doctor. However, she has totally checked out on being a parent because she let all of the kids stay home from school rather than being bothered to bring them and pick them up. Unreal, and completely hypocritical.

they both told me that they were proud of me! Flabbergasted

That must have been a very nice feeling RosaLinda! I'm sure you weren't doing it for those reasons, and that's where I'm trying to be also. I want to be there for my kids because I love them and I want them to be happy, not because I'm seeking some sort of notion of winning this separation/divorce/whatever-it-is.

Bet THAT made her head spin in surprise

It felt really good and it hurt all at the same time. Its so bizarre how codependent I am on her. I know I didn't deserve to be talked to the way she talked to me. Yet she did. And yet I walked away and all this week I keep trying to find justification in my head on how I don't deserve to be talked to like that.

---Your last paragraph I can't quote and comment on because I have to protect my E identity and not cry online, lol. Though, thank you RosaLinda, so much. Its a very unusual feeling to have a complete stranger say and mean something more than a woman I've been married to for almost 16 years. So, thank you again, and I hope life is treating you well!

[Bfice3]

Hey all.

So, looking for some input here. I'm dropping the kids off at the W's this afternoon. But my daughter has a basketball game tonight. I had forgotten about it, as it wasn't on my schedule of nights. I haven't been invited or reminded by the W, but I asked my daughter if she wanted me to go and she said yes.

Should I go? If I do go, should I sit near my wife?

I mean, on the one hand, I want to go to support my daughter. However, I do not want to pursue or contact my W in any form. Not sure what my boundary here should be.

I'm worried obviously about how I will act/react, and I'm honestly scared to go because its going to hurt so much to see the W.

I don't know. I'd like to hear some of your opinions. Been in no contact pretty consistent for about 3 weeks now. There is basically zero communication between me and the W, only the barest of minimum about kids routine.

If you think I should go, should I notify the W beforehand? And if I go should I sit near her? (I'm scared of being seen as the one to act first in a certain way...but that may be the wrong way of looking at it.)

[sandi2]

Let me turn this around and ask you the questions. Why would ask your D if she wanted you to go to her game, when you know perfectly well a kid is going to say yes?

Why would your W need to "remind" you? Do you have a memory problem and depend upon her reminders? Why would you think she might need to "invite" you? Is this not a game open to the public?

I mean, on the one hand, I want to go to support my daughter. However, I do not want to pursue or contact my W in any form. Not sure what my boundary here should be.

What does this have to do with boundaries?

If you think I should go, should I notify the W beforehand?

Why would you do that? Do you plan to go through life calling her in advance so the two of you don't run into each other? That's not being detached.

And if I go should I sit near her? (I'm scared of being seen as the one to act first in a certain way...but that may be the wrong way of looking at it.)

If you are separated, why would you feel like you have to sit anywhere near her just b/c she happens to be at the same thing?

I think you are making this all about your W, instead of your D. However, I understand how awkward you may feel the first time. If you use to go to the games, then go watch your D. If it's just a way for you to see your W, then you should not have brought up you going to your D. Time to evaluate your true intentions.

[Bfice3]

Fair points Sandi, and thank you for responding.

So, I think I asked my daughter because I was wondering if she would be okay if I didn't go or not. Last Friday my wife didn't show up to her game when I had the kids. (W didn't give any reason one way or the other to me) So, I'm pretty sure it wasn't asking my D so I had an excuse to be next/near to the W.

That being said, I am worried about how I should handle it. I mean you are right, I have the right to be there. I just don't want my kids to view me as the one who is pulling away from their parental role. Maybe just being a single dad at her game is enough, and I should simply be happy to have the opportunity to do that.

This whole thing is still very new...the separation yes, but moreso my ability to think/feel/act/be detached from my wife. I really don't want to go there to see or be near my W and I don't want her thinking that's why I am there. However, I do want to be supportive to my daughter. Yet, I don't want to be supportive to my daughter in some way that is creating additional stress/strain for her or my other kids.

Does that make sense?

[Bfice3]

If you are separated, why would you feel like you have to sit anywhere near her just b/c she happens to be at the same thing?

Well, this is how my WW started off handling things when my son was doing football in october/november. She wanted us to sit next to each other and basically hide the fact that we were separated.

Looking back now I realize her reasons for secrecy were far different than mine. I thought the secrecy was because we could potentially salvage our M...whereas she was most likely not wanting anyone to think things are different to hide her affair(s).

So...anyway...I recognize that I'm having issue with the notion of how to correctly handle things, and thats why I'm asking here.

(Just to give you an example of where my head is...WW sent me a text about an hour ago saying she needed to talk to me this weekend about the kids and schedules next week. I waited about an hour and sent a message saying only, "An email works fine". So, I mean, I'm having as little direct contact with her as I can possibly have.)

[Bfice3]

Okay...so she responds to my text:

WW: At some point this weekend, I need to talk to you about next week and the kids.

Me: An email is fine.

WW: No its not. I would like feedback.
WW: Are you afraid to talk to me?
WW: There are all kid dentist apps at 7am next Tuesday for starters.


(She told me earlier this week that she needed to go out to one of her jobsites for work Monday through Wednesday this week upcoming. She has to travel sometimes for work, but I'm sure its also an opportunity for her to have her affairs. I agreed to take the kids on Monday and Tuesday night and add them to my days this week. So Mon thru Sat rather than Wed thru Sat, just fyi..)

Of course though, she didn't mention anything about dentist appointments...

[TxHubby]

Hey all.

So, looking for some input here. I'm dropping the kids off at the W's this afternoon. But my daughter has a basketball game tonight. I had forgotten about it, as it wasn't on my schedule of nights. I haven't been invited or reminded by the W, but I asked my daughter if she wanted me to go and she said yes.

Should I go? If I do go, should I sit near my wife?

I mean, on the one hand, I want to go to support my daughter. However, I do not want to pursue or contact my W in any form. Not sure what my boundary here should be.

I'm worried obviously about how I will act/react, and I'm honestly scared to go because its going to hurt so much to see the W.

I don't know. I'd like to hear some of your opinions. Been in no contact pretty consistent for about 3 weeks now. There is basically zero communication between me and the W, only the barest of minimum about kids routine.

If you think I should go, should I notify the W beforehand? And if I go should I sit near her? (I'm scared of being seen as the one to act first in a certain way...but that may be the wrong way of looking at it.)

Your daughter wants you there so there's your answer. Don't ever let your wife's stupidity interfere with your role as a father. All you need to know is that your daughter wants you there. Once there sit wherever the hell you want to sit regardless of what your wife thinks. You've put her opinion first for too long and she takes it for granted. Do what you want.

[Bfice3]

Don't ever let your wife's stupidity interfere with your role as a father. All you need to know is that your daughter wants you there. Once there sit wherever the hell you want to sit regardless of what your wife thinks. You've put her opinion first for too long and she takes it for granted. Do what you want.

Yeah...it just makes so much sense hearing it said like this. Its just, well, I'm not good at acting that way. I think its pretty telling that the second response my WW has is...are you afraid to talk to me...ugh.