Fortunately, H and guest are not staying here so it's just a matter of turning down invites when she is included. But I don't want to push it too far.
He said after we first hired her that he considered her like the daughter he never had and he gets very defensive of her sometimes. He's very aware of my feelings about her and why. I suspect he'd like things to be patched up between us, but I just can't go there. When h was with ow, this "guest" pulled a stunt that was incredibly disrespectful to me and to h. But when I finally told h about it months later, he just said she was young, stupid and drunk when she did it. He defended her. Sorry, that doesn't fly for me.
The whole sitch has the potential to be damaging if I don't play it right. I don't feel like it would be a good move to completely avoid her. I just have to choose wisely how I interact with her on a very limited basis. I wish I could put on a happy face, act as if and just get through the next two weeks. I don't think I can go that far.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Well, day one with the assistant at the office was uneventful. I just stayed in my office and kept to myself, but H was in and out of my office too many times to count today.
I actually got to check off two baby steps today. H complimented me (twice) on my outfit and he brought back a couple of little gifts for me that he bought while on his dive trip. I can't remember the last time he did either one and it was especially nice to know he was thinking about me while on his "vacation."
He also said he was wrong to not give me a detailed itinerary of his trip. (I had told him a week or so ago that I had no problem if he took trips but it bugged me that I didn't really know where he was. I said that if something happened and I got a message that he was severely injured or worse, I had no idea where to go to help him.) He said he was wrong not to keep me updated on things like that and would make sure I had a detailed itinerary from now on. I stressed that it was not my intention to pry into his life, but it would bring me peace of mind to know where he was if either of us had a major emergency. He agreed.
He wanted to go to dinner at a nice restaurant next week, but I narrowed down the choices that I was available to basically two nights (I really do have things to do). Sad part is that assistant will be with us. However, he mentioned that dinner would be for three instead of two and said it in a way that sounded like he was disappointed. I didn't let on that I would prefer she wasn't there.
He also wanted to go to a movie this weekend. I agreed to that. He wanted to see a movie I've already seen and I told him I had no problem seeing it again. I was surprised he didn't take me up on my offer because it's a movie I know he really wants to see, but he chose one neither of us has seen (we buy tickets in advance on the web). Unfortunately, assistant will be in tow. But I don't really have to interact at a movie, so it's cool.
I have always felt (as does my IC) that I am "home base." It will be very interesting to see how the lack of "personal" time affects the dynamics. If nothing else, I hope I can avoid the "speech" (his usual speech about how he wants his freedom) and the D word. That is my main goal this go around. At least there is something positive about assistant being here. Having her under foot makes it difficult for him to give his "speech."
The most important thing is that I am doing great. I think I've got this. There were a couple of moments when I had to bite my tongue, but I just kept saying to myself, "I'm standing still."
Here's to a good day two!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Yes, you do have this! It sounds like the first day went rather well and he noticed how you looked and he complimented you on the outfit, i.e., not once...but twice! That's wonderful!
I'm sorry the assistant is going to be tagging along for dinner, but at least it's just for the one night, i.e., the same as the movie.
Your IC is correct in stating that you are the "home base". Hopefully the "speech" won't come up because his attention is elsewhere for the time being.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Job, for your reply. I always value your input, as does everyone here.
Day two was peaceful and drama-free. A couple of interesting things happened.
BIL (we've discussed the MLC thing a little) came into my office and remarked about H's demeanor. He said H seemed to be in a good mood and very calm. BIL has been on the receiving end of some unpleasantness as well me. It was interesting to hear his comments because it reaffirmed my take on things. I'm still asking myself what the heck is going on. There's no telling what is going on in his mind. I don't know if H is on his best behavior because assistant is here or not, but I'll take it!
I do know this ... after I asked him to move out (which he did), he said he went into some intensive therapy (don't know if he's still seeing an IC) and he also went to a weekend retreat of some sort. He's into meditation now, which is a very different path for him and the changes I (and BIL) see have taken place since then. I don't know where it will lead. Perhaps part of the journey. But there is definitely something different.
H asked me today if there was anything I needed done around the house. I recall him saying at one point that he didn't feel needed and there are actually a couple of things I can't do by myself and can't really hire someone to do, so I said yes and explained. H said he'd be happy to help. Then he jokingly added that he'd do it if I would make him his favorite dinner. I said that seemed like a fair exchange and then we started to talk about when. Again, I had plans that had to be accommodated and we finally figured it out.
This business of not being available according to his timeline is so different (a 180) because in the past I would always change my plans (if possible) to accommodate him. I'm very proud of myself.
Unfortunately, I will also have to entertain assistant. H remarked that he wished he could "dump" her for the meal, but there was no choice. At first I was not at all happy at the thought of entertaining her, but I'm starting to think it may not be such a bad thing. I can put on my happy face and be a gracious hostess (ugh) and actually not be anxious about H's "speech." The silver lining!
In the meantime, I'm trying to plan a trip to NYC. I've always wanted to go to the Museum of Modern Art and H never wanted to do that. So, off I go.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
We went to a movie this evening (with assistant) which is one of those theaters where they serve food while you watch the movie. About 20 minutes before the movie ended, the waiter brought the bill and gave it to H. He put his credit card in the folder for payment. About 10 minutes later he leaned over and said they hadn't come to get the bill and made a profane remark while he put his credit card back in his wallet. He was going to walk out without paying! I told him I wasn't leaving without paying the bill and he said he didn't have enough cash. He had told the waiter when we ordered that he'd being paying cash, so the waiter probably had no idea he needed to process a credit card. I got the cash out of my wallet and paid the bill.
We walked to our cars, I said a quick, neighborly-like goodbye and headed home, shaking my head.
I'm starting to pick up on his frustration at having assistant around all the time. I expected that to happen but not quite so soon. He still has some of that mind set that he should do what he wants, when he wants, the way he wants and she is infringing on that. I'm thinking back to the comment he made that he wished he could dump her and spend the afternoon/evening here tomorrow. I know this house is his comfort zone when he's here (especially on weekends) even it he doesn't stay here anymore, but he wanted his freedom and I gave it to him. He can't have it both ways.
I'm still humming along and will be fine as long as he doesn't try to take his frustration out on me. I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I am determined that I will not allow him to push my buttons.
One other interesting note ... he asked me if I was doing okay with assistant here. I just smiled and said, "No problem." Arghh! At least he hasn't forgotten how I feel about her. I suppose that question was a feeler to see if anything has changed. My words may say one thing (yeah, I can do that, too) but my actions say another. I generally try to avoid her.
I have to be honest. It is so nice to come home after spending a day at the office with my MLC H and the assistant I don't care for and just be able to feel relaxed and at peace in my own home. It's like my little slice of heaven here on earth in the midst of a storm.
I've often thought it was sort of detrimental to DBing not to have H here in the house, but having done it both ways now, I have to give those of you who are living with your MLCer a huge round of applause. The amount of strength and internal fortitude it takes to deal with that on a daily basis is just tremendous. I couldn't do it ... not even on a part time basis. I have a huge amount of respect for those of you that are doing it.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
H (and assistant) came by yesterday so H could help with a couple of chores requiring some muscle and I cooked his favorite meal in exchange.
The evening was okay but a little unsettling. I felt sometimes like I was on the outside looking in because H and assistant would talk about things (unimportant, everyday kind of stuff) that I knew nothing about. I felt like assistant had replaced me as the best friend and she knew more about what was going on in H's life than I did. Of course she would since she works with him all the time and I make it a point not to pry, but I sure didn't like having it in my face like that. I actually began to wonder if H was deliberately trying to make me feel uncomfortable. But he'll never get the satisfaction of knowing he did if that was his intent.
H also started talking about something he and his friends over there were going to do that sounded pretty much like something a bunch of frat brothers would do in college. I guess I didn't show the proper enthusiasm about all the fun he was going to have because the more he talked about it, the less he sounded enthused. I just couldn't play along with that one. I kept thinking that he never would have done such a thing pre-MLC and couldn't believe he thought it would be fun to make a fool of himself in public. I guess he has a lot more baking to do!
I haven't heard from him today and have enjoyed a peaceful day to recharge for the coming week. That's 5 full days without hearing the "speech." 10 days to go!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Day 6 ... no drama and no speech! I'm feeling pretty good.
When describing issues regarding his family today, he referred to himself as a "mental case." Of course, I didn't validate that one, but it was nice to know he knows he has issues!
9 days to go!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
We had an incident in the office today where I was expecting H to react in the same way he has for some time now and I went on the offensive out of habit (at this point). We resolved it quickly and went on about our business. An hour or so later H came to me and apologized even though I was the one who owed him an apology and I told him so. I didn't say this, but I had reacted to the MLC H and he wasn't being that guy. Still, it was a complete role reversal. I am usually the one apologizing ... even when I don't need to ... and he was apologizing to me!
Went to dinner tonight with H and assistant. I'm beginning to think, based on comments that assistant makes, that she thinks H has lost his marbles too. (She's around him a lot. How could she not notice??) She actually defended me a couple of times.
H was talking about a trip he wants to take to an unsettled part of the world and I expressed concern about it and jokingly asked that he take out a lot of travelers insurance. He got defensive, apparently because he thought I was trying to control what he did, and I explained calmly that if he wanted to go there that it was his choice, but I was concerned for his safety and why. Assistant followed me up with, "She has a point." H dropped it at that point.
I told assistant in the ladies room (fully expecting that what I said would be repeated to H) that I wished H understood that I have no desire to dictate what he does or where he goes but I was concerned about his safety .... that I had no desire to be a widow.
At a later point I was talking about an upcoming trip I'd like to take and jokingly said that if we skyped while I was there I could call it an owner's meeting and charge it to the company. He knows full well that I was joking and would never do something like that. At first he laughed, then after a couple of minutes he got kind of belligerent and said that he would be okay with that if he could take a trip anywhere at whatever cost and do the same. I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. I was joking and he knew it but it was obvious he wasn't and that he saw a way to take a free trip on the business and was looking for me to agree with him. I didn't, of course. I just didn't respond and shut down. I probably could have handled that better.
I am going to have to be more careful with my joking. I know he knows I'm joking but it's like he sees an opening to convince me that my joke isn't such a bad idea ... if he sees a benefit to him.
He dropped a couple of hints about potential plans for the upcoming weekend ... I wasn't quite sure what he was expecting from me, but I just listened and didn't really comment about his plans one way or another and most definitely did not give him any notion that I wanted to come along. He did ask when it would be convenient to come by the house to take care of some tax stuff. I told him I didn't have any concrete plans at the moment, but to let me know when and I'd make sure I was home unless something changed before then.
On a positive note, he made quite a few comments tonight (while talking to assistant) that were disparaging to the locale he's living in. I find that positive because all I've heard for some time now is how happy he is there. Assistant also said (a few days ago) that he didn't want to live there (long term). I am pretty certain that he is not happy there but is not ready (at least from what I see) to come home. Based on his comments he is thinking there is some other part of the world to live where he will be happy. It's so sad to watch and it's frustrating because he will say he knows that happiness comes from within, yet he's still looking outside.
I could be way off base, but I think I am beginning to see flashes of the old H. In the incident in the office, he was behaving as he would have pre-MLC and I was the one reacting to the MLC H. And apologizing when he wasn't in the wrong just to smooth things over? That's not MLC H.
While driving to the restaurant he was singing along with the radio. He used to do that all the time (and sings pretty good), but I haven't heard him do that in years. I even mentioned a while ago that he never sang along anymore and that I had always enjoyed listening to him. It was kind of nice to see (or hear).
He's just kind of all over the place. One minute he's the MLC guy who is going to do what he wants, when he wants, the way he wants and the rest of the world be damned. And then the next, he's the guy I used to know ... kind, considerate, laid back, calm. His texts of late have been from that kind, considerate, kind of needy guy. But while he's been here, I've seen both sides.
It's actually kind of weird. It's as though he can be the old H in texts from long distance, but when he's here he bounces back and forth. Maybe it's me?? Maybe I respond differently in person?? But it is really hard ... almost impossible ... to be that kind, happy, calm person I want to be with assistant always under foot.
I just keep telling myself ... smile, be pleasant and keep standing still. His journey isn't done and regardless of where it leads, you will be ok. I tell myself (and this may sound sort of cruel), just sit back and watch the show. You are like an understudy that is standing backstage watching what it is going on onstage. You are not the director or the choreographer, you are just an observer. If you can maintain your composure, if you can persevere and endure standing in the shadows for a while, the day will come when you will be asked to step onto the stage and become a part of a great production.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I think you are doing great! Yes, you will see flashes of your old h. We call them moments of clarity and then right back in the rabbit hole they go.
It sounds like things are going rather well w/the assistant hanging around. If she can't see that he's all over the place, then there is something wrong w/her as well.
Just a few more days and she'll be on her way.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Job, for stopping by. I always appreciate and value your input.
A really incredible day today.
Assistant went out with some other employees tonight and h asked me to go out with him. I agreed and went. We had some time to kill and hung out at the house for a little while.
Background reminder ... When h was here last time (during the holidays), he said we were done, going to get divorced, he was selling the company, etc ... his speech. He said he didn't think I belonged in the family picture. He even said he had been out with other women a couple of times. He was brutal and sent me into a tailspin that was really hard to recover from.
For a long time I thought selling the company and cutting that tie (what I saw as all we had left) was the best for both of us, but changed my mind since we make a good income from it and I kind of like my lifestyle and would like to continue building my savings so I'm not a burden to anyone in my later years.
Tonight, H did a total reversal and basically expressed the same sentiment. (He even told our accountant that he wanted to put those plans on the back burner!) I agreed with him and told him the business was good income for us and I thought it was dumb to consider giving that up at this point. So, for the time being, that is settled ... unless he does another 180.
He talked about how he had "changed" and had let go of the anger and asked if he had done anything hurtful to me while he's been here. Of course, I said no and to be honest he hasn't. He's been very easy to get along with and hasn't done or said anything hurtful in any way.
He mentioned, in general, some of my past "truth darts" and said I had said some pretty brutal things. I acknowledged that I had and gently pointed out that he had said some pretty hurtful things to me. He acknowledged that he had. I followed up by telling him that in spite of everything, I thought he was a good man. He responded by saying I was an amazing woman. Sounds like some silly "Oh yeah, well I'll see you and raise you" thing, but I'll take it!
He said he was content, but I didn't completely buy that based on some things that assistant said. She said he didn't want to stay where he is now, but I know that doesn't mean he wants to come home (although I hope that's where he ends up). It could just mean living somewhere else other than here or there.
Assistant also said I was the center of this world. I don't know if she was saying that to make me feel better or if she truly believes that based on what she has observed. I'll let that go until I see for myself, but it was kind of cool to hear.
Although he expressed, in a round about way, he wanted to continue the separate life thing, he said he considered us to be friends like we were in the beginning and he used the word "foundation" when talking about that. I thought that was an interesting choice of words but didn't comment. Most importantly, I didn't hear the D word!
It was so hard to bite my tongue, let him talk, and not jump on the positives I was hearing. But, I just kept telling myself to stand still, don't get enthusiastic, keep your expectations in check, keep the road smoothly paved and be patient.
I know he's not done and still has a long way to go. He can go right back into the fog and we can take a lot of giant steps backwards, but for the first time in a long time I actually feel somewhat hopeful. For the first time in a long time what came out of his mouth sounded well thought out and sensible.
I just have to remember that I'm still standing quietly backstage ... patiently waiting.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
