Stepping in a Different Direction

[Pax_luv]

Good day,
I'm on my phone and am unable to post my old thread, my apologies.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...299#Post2616299

How fitting that it's time for my second thread right now as things are taking a turn. As I dropped off the dog this morning, h asks me if I'm ready to talk about moving things forward in terms of the d and if we could meet up this week to talk out a plan. My heart sank. I was doing fairly well with detachment.... But still hurts nonetheless. I told him I would get back to him with a good date and felt my PMA go way under.

Alright, time to rehearse possible scripts in my head so I can keep my emotions and statements in check.

[pinn]

Hey Feyth,

I stop by the site for a quick minute and I see your new thread on the first page.. imagine that.

I am sorry about the news. I am awaiting similar news and even though I think i am ready for it, and I think in a lot of ways it will be a relief, but I know it is going to sting pretty good.

I feel for you. Try to do something good for yourself today to keep that PMA. You seem to be quite bubbly, keep that up.

Keep on posting.

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Pinn,
ok, now that the nausea has worn off a bit... I've kind of stirred myself into a tizzy. I don't know what I'm afraid of or why I'm upset about. I don't want to be with h and I also don't want to divorce him. I don't get it. I guess this all falls in line with the emotions vs logic stuff that swirls around here.

He's not a nice guy, he bailed on me the first time our marriage hit a rough spot and has been seeing other people. I'm not attracted to him nor do I trust him. Am I "standing" for a marriage just so Im not a statistic??? He WAS my partner, WAS my best friend, WAS my lover, WAS my family... But he hasn't been any of those things in a very long time and that's what I was holding on to. It's only been a short period of time that I've let that all go and stopped to focus on myself in this present moment.... And here I am now. I just don't know what to do or even what to feel.

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, I think the important thing is - you don't need to decide anything at this point. If your H wants to move ahead with a D, that's his choice. You can let him know it wouldn't be your choice, but that you respect his wishes and won't stand in his way.

Does he have grounds for filing?

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Sotto,
Re: grounds for filing. I think he just wants to be free and move on. (Mind reading- I have no idea truthfully). We've been living completely separate lives for 7 months now and have remained cordial.

Last month, I did A TON of research on family law lawyers in my area just so I could be prepared (our house is a big asset that he wants... Even told me last year when we were still sleeping in the same bed that if I went after the house- he would burn it down. That was when he was crazy-man. We weren't even separated or thinking about separating at that point).

Anyway, I found a lawyer who I thought would be kind in my situation- compassion is key. I didn't want someone who would push me to file. She ended up having to reschedule multiple times and her paralegal couldnt get the appts right so I took that as the universe telling me to be still a little bit longer (and find a different lawyer). Well, I think it's time I wise up so I have a consultation with a lawyer whom I was referred. we'll see how it goes.

You're right, Sotto I don't need to decide anything right now. It just stinks to feel like I don't have a say in the direction of my life ( there's that evil need for control!!!)

[Pax_luv]

Hello there,

Yesterday, I met with a divorce attorney for a consultation just so I can understand the process (I feel stupid for being so naive... Just never thought I would find myself here). I liked him and he put my mind at ease a little bit. After that, I ended up having a drink with a guy. Gulp. He asked me out the day prior and we decided to grab a beer. Totally casual. When he asked, I had to do a gut check and I felt ok with saying yes. Part of me cringes sharing that because I never thought that I would do that... But, the rules aren't cut and dry right now. Any rule I'm following is self imposed based on my values.

Anyway, we went to a brewery and ended up talking for over three hours. It was fun to converse and laugh and just get to know someone new. He was quite a gentleman- walked me to my car, and then followed up to make sure I got home ok. All in all, it was a nice experience. Even though it wasn't a "formal date", it's the first- first date I've had in 11 years! Surreal!

Also, I ended up waking up in the middle of a night with a 103 degree fever! Karma?!?!

Lastly, tomorrow Im going to meet with h to talk about the d. I'm nervous and sick over it, but I will do my best to be strong and have a good pma. Hopefully, I feel better too!

[PigPen]

For a second Feyth I read that as "and then he followed me to make sure I got home ok" and I had a mild heart attack.

I agree that all rules are off and that your own moral compass should guide you at this point. I've done the same and have found it quite refreshing to realize there are people out in the world who are quite fascinating. And find me quite fascinating. Being the LBS sure leaves our self esteems down in the dumps.

Sorry to hear you got a fever, probably a higher percentage it was food poisoning over karma.

Good luck tomorrow, breathe through it. Pretend like you're acting in a movie, and the scene ends in your favor.

Big hug,

PP

[pinn]

Good for you Feyth!

Best of luck tomorrow. I feel for you but you will come out of this a better person.

[Pax_luv]

Thanks for replies- PP and Pinn!

PP- I had to laugh about the "followed me home" misreading because I was so uptight about going out with a guy i hardly even know. I texted all his info to my friend just so she knew where I was, who I was with, even gave her his phone # and workplace! I prefaced it with: if anything happens to me, here's my attackers info. I'm scared, I haven't been "single" in so long and I'm not as ballsy as I was when I was 21. Stranger danger!

I'm still home sick, so I've asked h to drop the dog with me and to reschedule our D chat. As much as I want to get it over with, I might be too emotional given the fact that I don't feel well.

Also, been reflecting on my feelings and going out with that guy confirmed that while I do feel ready to meet people, I'm in no way, shape, or form emotionally available for another guy. Yes, me and h have only been separated for 7 months, but we haven't had any connection since early 2014 (even including the physical connection) so yeah- I've been feeling lonely and want some intimate companionship (not just sex) but more so endearment and just having a partner.

And ya- definitely felt good to have someone feel interested in me. My self esteem went down the toilet not just at BD, but way before, so it feels good for someone to think I'm an interesting person, and a good, kind woman. This guy even asked me out to dinner next week, but I think I'm going to decline. Ha ha can dates be GAL activities in the name of DBing?

I've been feeling all out of sorts with h... Is it detachment or that I truly don't care anymore? A few months ago, I was still 1000% commited to not giving up. Have I? I really don't know. Well, I still have another DB coaching session so I booked it and hope it will do me well as I re-prep for the D convo. I guess that means that I have some gumption left in me and h.

Ok, clearly I'm all over the place!

[JellyB]

Feyth,

You don't sound "all over the place" at all. You sound rather composed, considered and balanced. You seem to have your head on straight and seeing the wood for the trees. Your emotional responses and nervousness seem reasonable to me given the circumstances. Personally I would say you are rocking it! Just my opinion Lol

Enjoy your weekend, whatever you have planned.

JellyBxxx