She's thinking of leaving again 3

[Scrant]

Sorry I can't link to previous threads on the ipad so I've repeated my last post. if someone could help I'd be grateful.

Well it has been an interesting day! Met W to try to sort out accounts but stopped by various technical problems. She was concerned that S wouldn't go to see her parents for the holidays. He won't go with her but could I try? We then spoke about other things and because I was so organized she asked was I getting outside advice? I said no which is true and asked her to look me in the eyes. She said she believed me and it would shake her foundations if she thought I was lying which only goes to show how much she still trusts me. Again she asked how I was and I replied moving on, she hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We talked some more before finally I asked how she was. She smiled, shrugged her shoulders all moist eyed and said ok. She asked would I invite her to the house on Friday for lunch before taking S to dentist, I said no. Before she left she reached in to kiss me on the lips but I turned my cheek. She asked why I was avoiding her. I said things had changed, she said she was just being affectionate. I decided after our meeting to visit her parents for a quick visit. We've spent the evening after a four hour car drive and we'll leave after lunch tomorrow. They were delighted to see us as they were by themselves. We've avoided talking about their daughter so far. Texted W to say we were going and that I will always try to do the right thing. She texted I know with a kiss. Later I sent her a photo of her S with her mother. Again thank you and a kiss. Weird day. I love her still but I can't give in all the time. Who knows if her relationship will last but I have to move forward alone no matter how much I love her and wish things were different.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I think you did well. I had to smile at the 'shake her foundations' comment. Fact is all cheaters lie - and likely OM has lied too. But not Scrant. For your part, I wouldn't tell her that you will always try to do the right thing - just always try to do the right thing and over time that speaks strongest (think lighthouse here.)

Your W continues to want to cake eat and will push at boundaries. I think you did well to keep these in place. Whenever you have had exchanges like this, my advice would be to back right off - NC - and be busy with your own stuff. Leave W to cogitate on what she is losing.

You are spot on with your closing comments and if you are guided by these, you will succeed no matter what your W does/chooses. My only concern in your sitch is GAL and I sense a reluctance from you. But you saw what a boost you got from that big lunch on your W's B'day. Do tell us a little more about how you are pushing out your own boundaries with GAL plans.

Doing well Scrant & take care. It is early days yet my friend xx

[Ancaire]

She's Thinking of Leaving Again, Part 2

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2638928&page=1

[Scrant]

Thanks Ancaire. Sotto thanks for your supportive comments. As for GAL I admit it has been on a back burner. I think coming through the festive season and W's birthday etc has been enough for me. Restarting work tomorrow and heading into January hopefully will give me some time to reflect. Left inlaws today without talking about W. Just feel relieved to have let them be with grandson, now looking forward to some time without W asking for things.No reason for contact.

[Painter]

Hi Scrant,

I just caught up on your situation - read the entire thread before this.

It sounds like you are doing so many things right, and that you are being very strong. I know how difficult it must be to live in a foreign country in this situation - I moved to a different country to marry H.

Lunch with a huge family sounds like a lot of fun!

I have a couple of suggestions to tweaks - just what struck me while reading your thread, you've got so much good advice otherwise.

1) Make sure that most of your interactions with W are positive if you can manage it. I get that she is wistful when she sees you, that she misses her family - but if she walks away feeling heartbroken and sad, she will only hide in OM's arms to get away from and forget about those feelings. If you want her to look at you and wonder if she made a mistake, she should walk away from any interactions with a happy and light feeling, something she wants to keep thinking about. Or with a question in her heart, or even more longing.

2) About your son's behavior towards her - I don't think you should let him act towards her in a way you would not have allowed him to do if you were still married, or towards another person. It is satisfying to see a child punish the other parent for the hurt you feel, but your goal is to bring up a polite and considerate young man, right? The way he behaves towards her now, you could be on the receiving end of some day. I have seen this happen in so many divorced families.

Best wishes and keep up the great work!

[Scrant]

Painter. Thanks for your thoughts. I try to keep everything upbeat and friendly. She loves to watch tv series in English so I continue to lend her stuff. I try to talk to her about S and Me, the positive things we do away from her, the fun we have still. I always smile!
I get what you say about S. I do remind him that his mother still loves him and would like to spend more time with him. His response tends to be that she never wanted to before, which I can't argue with!

[Scrant]

Meeting W tomorrow for the final resolution of our accounts. After that there will be no regular reasons for meeting. Since I got back from her parents last Wednesday I've avoided both chances to see her. Indirectly I know some of what she's being doing but I don't ask. As I gave her some English TV ( against family and friend's advice) to watch I received a couple of texts so thanks and how much she enjoyed it. I replied you are welcome and left it at that. Although I'd love to meet her, chat etc I know that would make her happy and let her cake eat with me as her best friend. Feel a bit sad and lonely at the moment knowing that after tomorrow the NC and detaching will be even more final. There are no reasons to meet socially anymore. When we met up she always wants to talk as if nothing has changed ( we avoid OM and R talks) and I know if I let her into my life she'd be happy to be best friends. I know I have to focus on me and GAL etc.it can be hard to do when also I have to spend time looking after a 15yr old and all their dramas and mood swings. Tomorrow I'm going to try to meet with an informal group of runners. I know I have to let her lead her life, I can't pursue or persuade. If she decides to change her life it will be her decision not mine and then we'll see. It feels like one step more away from someone I still love and miss.

[Sotto]

Hi Scranton - this is a crucial time for GAL - replace the interactions you long for with your W, with interactions with others (as long as they aren't single ladies of course.) Those kinds of interactions just lead to way more trouble!

Good for you with the running group! That could be your one regular GAL activity identified and started in January. Can you come up with another one in February? If so, you're on track.

BTW, I understand what you're saying about S15, but I think activities for you once or twice a week are crucial. Does your W spend regular time with him ATM & if so, could you plan some GAL then??

The good thing about you Scrant is you understand the process and you've got there pretty quickly. It's now a case of truly staying on track. Read the 37 rules every single day if you need to - laminate them - and stick with it.

Take care xx

[Scrant]

Thanks for the encouragement. S doesn't really want to spend more time with W than he has to. She would love to now but is suffering for the years she didn't really do anything much with him. As for single ladies I'll think I'll have to wait! It would complicate things way too much although I miss feminine company. Fortunately I work with a lot of kind women who put up with me. Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly tomorrow. It's very hard as I love her as much as ever but chasing never worked before. I'll have to trust that absence does make the heart grow fonder.

[Sotto]

Good luck for tomorrow and sorry to call you Scranton again - that's my iPad!! I think it knows something I don't! Yes, you know what doesn't work. The challenge is putting it all into practice when faced with your SO....but I have every confidence you will be fine.

Take care xx