B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

So, I used to listen to this song and just listened to it again this morning, and umm...well...how ironic is about all I can say.


So...yeah...one of the comments even says 'codependency personified'



Trying really hard to emotionally detach from the WW. Found her profile on match.com Sunday. Says she is recently on the singles scene again...yada yada yada...

[Fogg]

Trying really hard to emotionally detach from the WW.

Yes it is, very hard. So why make it harder?

Found her profile on match.com Sunday. Says she is recently on the singles scene again...yada yada yada...

What benefit could you find by being on that site?

[Bfice3]

Good morning fellow DB'ers. I'm still here, and still reading so I figured I'd give a little status update.

First and foremost for me, I got my exam results back this morning and I passed my professional licensing exam! Which feels amazing. Now, I still have 4 to go, but hey, I'm okay with that (really truly for the first time ever). I was speaking with a Divorce Care friend and realized that me passing all of these licensing exams is one of the biggest 180's I can possibly do, and not to mention that its great for me personally.

Anyway, so another little tidbit/lightbulb moment. I actually had the thought this morning that there is nothing wrong with my life except for my marriage. A couple of months ago I wouldn't have even been able to comprehend how such a notion is possible for someone, especially me, to even utter, much less mean. But it is true. I have a pretty good life. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. But yes, I've had one really crummy marriage.

So...I guess I'm really starting to do it. I think I'm successfully detaching. Do I love the woman I'm married too? Yes. Do I want to save our marriage and make it better than ever? Yes. Is that ever going to happen? I have no idea. I will be here if she ever decides she wants to, but until then I have a life to live.

I've decided, for now, I'm going to continue to wear my wedding ring even though I'm pretty sure she isn't wearing hers.

I've started to see, and feel, that you know what, its okay for me to be a single part-time dad. That I do truly love my children and that no matter what I want to be a huge part of their lives. (Recently I had been getting irritated when my children were with me, and I think it was because they were a glaring reminder of the lack of the WW.) But now, I just want to hug them and love them. I'm thinking of them in my actions. Regarding their happiness and contentment before my own, which, especially for how I've been living the past couple of months, is new.

Does this all hurt like a son of a gun? Yes. Yes it does.

But, I think I'm reaching a point where I am accepting life as it really is, on life's terms. I'm working very hard to develop my relationship with God. I have been a true spiritual farce for most of my life. I've always gone to church, moved through the motions, and said the corresponding words...but as soon as I was alone I couldn't wait to become this person that was devoid of morality. Surprise crummy marriage! But now...I realize I need God in my life, that I have to walk that walk, and accept and want that a path for me directed by God is far and away better than the paths that my logic and best reasoning have provided thus far in life.

Anyway...I don't know what all I am saying. I just don't really have too many people to share these things with, so here I am sharing with you all.

So, I'm doing no contact. The WW called last night around 8pm but I just didnt feel like answering. The kids were with me, and I had nothing to say, so I let it ring. She didn't leave a voicemail, no text after, no calling my apartment #, no email...so whatever it was couldn't have been urgent. Of course paranoia sets in about what it might be, but really it can all wait. I've got all of my urgent things taken care of, and I can deal with whatever it is that she needs or wants at some time later. If that later even happens.

The last two days I have woken up and before I get out of bed I thank God for letting me wake up and live through another day in His world, and that's new, but it feels right.

So, anyway...I'll be back around later.

Have a great day all.

[RosaLinda]

Hey B, congratulations on passing your exam! Awesome! Glad you decided to keep wearing your wedding ring. It's such a personal decision, but sort of reveals your mindset to your wife and kids (and other women) that you still see yourself as married and are still "working on it," for the moment at least.

Anyway, so another little tidbit/lightbulb moment. I actually had the thought this morning that there is nothing wrong with my life except for my marriage. A couple of months ago I wouldn't have even been able to comprehend how such a notion is possible for someone, especially me, to even utter, much less mean. But it is true. I have a pretty good life. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. But yes, I've had one really crummy marriage.

So...I guess I'm really starting to do it. I think I'm successfully detaching. Do I love the woman I'm married too? Yes. Do I want to save our marriage and make it better than ever? Yes. Is that ever going to happen? I have no idea. I will be here if she ever decides she wants to, but until then I have a life to live.

You ARE starting to successfully detach, yea for you B. Don't worry if you experience multiple temporary re-attachments LOL. I too had a crummy marriage to a man whom I loved dearly. We had opposite love languages, and did not meet each other's needs (I do accept my half of the blame for that), but I really always thought he would come out of his crisis, and that with all the stuff I had learned over the past couple of years, I could "fix" us and we would have a wonderful marriage. It was not meant to be, but I am living my life and am happy with a new guy who appreciates me.

And you shall be too. Hopefully, with your wife. And if not, you'll be okay.

Anyway...I don't know what all I am saying. I just don't really have too many people to share these things with, so here I am sharing with you all.

Ramble away, my friend. We are all in this together; even those of us who are years past the bomb still have to deal with our exes and being single parents. You are doing great. Honestly, reading about your new attitude of gratitude and desire to have God in your life brought tears to my eyes and told me that your changes are real and that you are going to make it with or without your wife. Hang in there!

[Fogg]

Grats on your exam, good luck on the others in the future.

[sandi2]

You can be your own best friend, or your worst enemy.

[Bfice3]

Hello DB land. Another post from this place I'm in...

So, I'm going to try to paint my version of this week real quick. Basically, I was doing no contact all week. My wife told me on Sunday she wasn't wearing her wedding ring anymore, and I saw her Match.com profile where she says she is back on the dating scene after a long break. (I also saw where she posted a picture of her that I took, at a famous historical site in Paris, where she blames her 'friend' for not including the whole famous site...bu anyway).

So, this week. I picked up and brought to school two of my kids every morning and afternoon. Our third child was off this week as well because of year-round school. I had the kids Sun and Mon night, as well as Wed - Sat night. So, I worked all week, and like have been doing all along since our separation and before, I brought the kids to school and picked them up.

On Monday and Thursday nights I brought my oldest daughter to swimming practice at 7:45 - 9pm. On wednesday, I took the two younger ones to violin practice, and then to piano practice for my middle daughter. (Wednesdays are always very busy, and that just happens to be one night a week my wife let me have every week.)

Also, I worked with my middle daughter on her science fair project, and though we didn't finish it, we did a lot of work. Oh and there was a basketball game Friday night, but I digress.

So...as far as communication with my wife...here's what happened. I never contacted her. She sent me one text early on in the week about a counseling session with my daughter (which oh yeah, there's another thing I did) I quickly sent her a 'thumbs up' text and that was my only response.

My wife called my cell phone once and I didn't answer on Wed night. She left no messages and no other forms of communication so I never called back.

Thursday she called my daughters cell phone to talk to me. It was a conversation like this:
W: How's it going?
Me: Fine:
W: How are the kids?
Me: They're good.
W: Anything I need to know about?
Me: Nope.
W: Okay. Are you doing okay?
Me: Yep.
W: Do we need to talk?
Me: Nope.
W: You sure?
Me: Yes.
W: Okay, well I may show up to the basketball game tomorrow but I probably won't sit next to you.
Me: Okay, thats fine, whatever you want, I don't care. Talk to you later.
W: Okay
...and I handed the phone back to my daughter.

(I know my last response wasn't very good, but I was irritated.)

Then I sent my W a text saying if she needs to contact me, she should do so directly and not through our children. To which she never responded.

Then, on Sat morning she called my cell again. I was with the kids in a store and didn't see/hear the ring and didn't answer, for real, and she left no message or any other communication so I never called back.

Now, also through the week she forwarded me several emails about the kids school and basketball games, etc. I say forwarded because thats literally what they are. Forwarded messages with zero input from her, no 'here', no 'thought you might need to know this...", no nothing, just a forwarded email. I printed them all out and used all the information but never responded to any of them.

Okay....going to start a second post now because I'm sure this is ridiculously long.

[Bfice3]

Okay...so today. Our oldest daughter spent the night at a friends house. I had the two younger kids. We went to church at 10:45 and after I brought to the wifes house.

I get there and see my wife in the garage with the door open but she doesn't say anything to me and I dont say anything to her. Helping carry the kids stuff up to the house door.

Then she moves towards me and starts talking at me. I can tell by her voice she is irritated. She wants to tell me that our youngest son has a doctor's appointment on tuesday and that she will working from home that day because of it but she would still like me to do all the dropping off and picking up.

(This week coming up is even more work than usual because its midterm week for the middle child and she gets off of school at noon 3 days this week.)

So, the W says it would be easier for her if I could still pick them up and drop them off on tuesday. I say, well it would be helpful to me if she could do it that day. She looks confused and flustered and unexpected, and then agrees...reluctantly.

She says, well I called you a couple of times this week, but you didn't answer. Is that how its going to be from now on? I said, well you didn't leave any messages, I didn't know I needed to call back.

She then says, okay, well...so, thats how its going to be. Do we need to get lawyers involved now?

I said, I don't know. I'm not doing anything different.

And then I think I said okay well I'll talk to you later and started to get in the car.

Then she says, you know, this is why we aren't married anymore (Making a hand gesture between us) because you've been like this for so long and are just an [censored].

I smiled. Got in the car and drove off.

And that was it.

[Bfice3]

So, to sum up. I did 95% of the work for the kids this week. But I'm the [censored].

Now...after leaving the house, I went to the church and sat in the prayer room and prayed quietly for five minutes asking for peace of mind. Instead of calling my wife and pleading or fighting.

Then I went and got some great mexican food for lunch.

At lunch, I realized I need to be a better person than she is. So, I responded with a 'Thanks.' to her forwarded email from earlier this morning. And going forward from here, I will respond to her emails, all of them, at my own pace, but I won't simply ignore them.

Though, I can't promise that I will call her back.

I also probably could/should have let her know that our oldest daughter is/was spending the night out Saturday night and would need arrangements to be picked up. (But she's 15 and usually makes those arrangements for herself anyways.) I did send my daughter a text and told her to be sure to talk to her mom about it, and she did.

While my kids were with me this week, I tried to remember to hug them and tell them I loved them every time I could. I tried to stay present in every moment that I had them with me so that I was being their Dad, and just a distant grown-up going through a crisis that was responsible for them.

We had fun. Last night my 11 yr old daughter painted my face with her makeup kit and made me look like a freaky clown and I made my very first instagram post lol.

Anyway...that was my week. I don't know if anyone will read this. Probably RosaLinda, and thank you Rosa for reading and listening to all of my stuff.

It feels so certain right now that there is simply no way for any of this to ever work out. But, I still had my wedding ring on today even though my wife had hers off and made sure to hold her hand up to her face to let me see.

Today's homily in mass was about 'Be Not Afraid' and learning to hear God's will. That's what I took from it, and that's how I plan on living this week. I'm going to forge into this week, and be not afraid.

Take care all.

Thank you in advance to anyone who reads all of this. Any and all comments are welcome!

[Imlucky]

I think you have done reasonable well nothing is perfect

I think setting a boundary for our wellbeing is appropriate
They chose to separate they need to see the consequences we are not their partner anymore