Hi Ginger - nice to meet you! My h is so off the wall it's hard to believe whatever is going on in there will straighten itself out. After anyone evaluates him, they will probably say: someone has remained married to you?!? Then they will probably offer me a free psych work up for the good of science.
Hi Bttrfly! I have no idea why he kept telling me about this movie. Maybe you are right?
Well, a whopping 3 hours after he declared he was done eating on Saturdays, he went into the kitchen and made himself 1lb. of ground beef and ate it in one sitting. When he left the room I checked the package: that's 4 servings.
A little after that, I decided to bake some cookies to test Job's theory. H came out of the dorm room and saw the batter and cookies on the island. He circled the island like a shark but kept his eyes on the cookies the whole time. He grabbed a bowl and ate about 1 cup of the batter and two cookies. He scurries off to the dorm room. 10 minutes later he refills the bowl and eats another 4 cookies!
I make dinner. He does not eat that. But later I come in and he is re-broiling leftovers. I just couldn't take it; I had to get a glimpse of the thought process. So in an innocently confused way I say: I thought you weren't eating today? His response (in a kind of guilty kid way, not accusatory): I wasn't going to! But you made those cookies and I couldn't help myself. It's your fault. Now, instead, I won't eat tomorrow.
Today I will test that as we are having steak for dinner.
Of course he ate the 1 lb. of beef 2 hours BEFORE I made the cookies but I zipped my lip. He had already broken his fast all on his own. When I made the cookies I just opened up the flood gates.
He did for the first time in over a year show some concern for me. When he came in to make his beef the kids were watching a movie and I took a nap on the couch. The kids would at times shoot baskets into their Nerf hoop. H scolded them and said: can't you see she's sleeping? Let her rest. S10 was squeaking the dog toy and h again said: be quiet! Let her sleep.
And his humor made a cameo appearance. A while after he cooked, he had left the kitchen a mess. So I cleaned up everything but his mess in the hopes that he would see I was not going to be cleaning his mess, too. He had just come in from returning videos and he saw the kitchen cleaned up. With his jacket still on he grabbed the steamer, rinsed it and put it back on the counter. I wasn't in the mood to wait three days for him to clean it.
So I said: you should use soap to clean that. He said (teenager tone): can't I take off my jacket first? (But I know he was going to leave it there.) So he takes off his jacket and then he looks for something to clean it with. I point to the sponge, he winces (doesn't want his hands to touch a sponge) and asks for the bottle brush. He is scrubbing the pot with a bottle brush. The bottle brush looks so much like the toilet brush that I say: you know, this is exactly how you would clean your own toilet. Then I joke: it is the exact same scrubbing motion!
He takes the brush and kind of jousts with it, jabbing it my way. He grumbles this guttural old sound he used to make when he was showing annoyance: ehhhhh. Then he says: I have a cleaning lady for that.
(He means that poor woman he hired to clean after Christmas.) I am betting when he next calls her (if she did in fact survive cleaning his bathroom) that she will say: I am sorry I can't take any more clients on right now.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
He is just all over the place like a teenager. If you didn't see it for yourself, you wouldn't believe it. Been there and done that one too! At least your grown h isn't sitting in the floor playing w/matchbox cars like mine did.
He's got a ways to grow up, but "mom" you are doing a great job!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow Job. I think the youngest age I have seen is maybe 6 or 7. I can't wrap my head around seeing a grown man playing with matchbox cars. That's a little, little boy. We're talking tantrum age. Geez.
I cannot even begin to imagine all that you saw.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yes, I did see quite a bit and I still shake my head over some of the stuff...but he's still out there and I think he's made MLC his permanent home. It's very sad, but if he's happy, that's all that matters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My FIL is also completely lost. He is 70 perpetually acting 20. My h remembers his father showing up at his college to "visit" and then staying the night and crashing parties.
Funny, now that I think about it, I saw my FIL go back to about 2 - 3 yrs. old. When S12 was 5, he played a board game with my FIL and my son won. My FIL pouted, sulked and was not happy for my son/his own grandson.
Of course now I understand completely what that was ALL about.
Actually, I also remember my FIL once having a temper tantrum with me. I actually got up and left in the middle of his fit. After I left, his mother called me to apologize as she witnessed it all! She was in her 70's and he was in his 50's. He called me later and also apologized. I am convinced his mother made him do so.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So things have been real quiet here on the MLC front.
Sunday am the boys had games. In between we stopped at a restaurant. H left his cell phone right next to me and left for the restroom. Lol! He came back very quickly, turns out he just went to the soda machine for a water. Wonder if he was hoping for a "gotcha moment?" I really think he wants me to snoop.
After postponing his fast to Sunday, h ate normally on the slated day. In the evening, as I was finishing making dinner he pulled the old: "I am going to go out and get some work done and left." I must say, I am tiring of this routine.
About an hour and a half later he texted asking if he should pick up S10 from his friend's house. I assume that is guilt guiding him as maybe he can even sense that I am growing weary of his: "I am up and leaving routine like I am just a guest in a hotel." Maybe I look like I am running a concierge desk?!?
I ignored the text as I was already headed to pick up S10. He pulled in as I pulled out. He asked why I didn't answer his text. I said I was already on my way out. I didn't hide my fatigue.
Yesterday S12 had a game. H cracked a few jokes to sons and I saw him glance my way to see if I laughed. And at the game, he wanted to tell me something. S10 was with us and I wasn't really paying attention as I was answering an email. H started his sentence and waited 'til I looked over to say it all again. But, of course he was looking at S10 the whole time as he discussed something financial. Ahh, the games a MLCer plays.
In general he has not been nearly as irritable as he was months ago. S10 is a loud talker; he was born with a set of pipes! Early on in MLC h always scolded him to be quieter as noises really irritated him. It was an ugly side of h. Last night he joked about S's loudness just as he would have years ago. He was kind and joking just as he used to be: a refreshing glimpse of old h.
But he has also been in the dorm room a lot. He never makes he bed, the bedding is all crumpled in a heap and there is about an inch of dust everywhere. On Sunday S12 was going to grab something out of the dishwasher thinking it was clean. I told him those were dirty dishes. S12 joked that eating off the dirty dishes is something dad would do. H said that he deplored bad hygiene?!! Wow, talk about a lack of self awareness. I think animals in the wild keep cleaner living areas. I just ignored. NO validation warranted there.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
You are doing wonderfully. The dorm rooms sounds like the bedroom of a young man that is advertised on the TV for Febreze fabric and air refresher!
Eventually the dust bunnies will have the bed up in the air and twirl it all around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - you made me laugh out loud. Excellent idea! Fabreze should make a whole product line for the live-in MLCer. They can put a picture of the dorm room on the bottle.
Speaking of which, today I took a picture of his room. Someday if he wakes up I will show him the squalor he lived in. I think that room mirrors his mind.
Meanwhile S12 is noticing more and more. The other day, we are alone, and he joked that I was an old lady. I am embracing aging as I see the reverse end of the spectrum (up close and personal) and I find it repulsive. So I said: yes, I am aging and I joke that death comes 'aknockin for all of us. Then I make a knocking sound and say: well, no need for you to get up, we know who that's for!
S12 is really noticing all of h's odditites. Out of the blue he said: remember when dad went out to bars with his friends like he was 20? Then s said that h's room looks like a teenager's and his dad even plays loud music with the door closed. Lastly, he says that h spends a lot of time talking about the "good 'ole days."
Everything S12 says is on point. I listen. He knows this is all part of h's MLC. I think he's at that age where he is going to friend's houses and seeing how other dads are.
Remember that Sesame Street bit where they showed 4 scenes: like a picture of winter, fall, spring and then a photo of a cow? And they would sing: one of these things is not like the others? Well, I think that's what's going on in s12's mind.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Tonight after dinner h initiated a conversation with me. He started about something financial. I validated and then was silent.
Then he mentioned he had been in contact w/three of my family members. One asked him a question and he merely responded. He initiated contact with the other two.
That is the first non essential conversation he has initiated with me since the summer when I set that boundary about the inappropriateness of that letter.
It feels like one grain of sand slipped to the bottom of the hour glass.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
