Yesterday afternoon h texted me to say that if we did not have plans that normally include him, he would be going to see a movie. But then it gets MLC weird. He tells me the theater he is going to and the time he is seeing the movie. He mentions that this is the only location showing the movie in 70mm. He tells me to let him know if it's a bad time. I write back "enjoy!"
I know I am not supposed to mind read this but it is so odd to me. All that detail, it seems like someone who feels guilty and is trying to square his conscience.
Then it gets weirder. He brings home a really nice pamphlet (almost a brochure) about the movie and he leaves it on this ledge as though he is proving he was there?!? Then 20 minutes later he leaves to walk the dog. I go to put something back in the dorm room and there, is his much coveted cell phone on his nightstand. Maybe I am going crazy but I feel it is a plant either to test if I snoop on him or prove he is not having an affair. I don't touch it. Plus I am SURE it is booby trapped (remember he takes pictures of drawers in his room!) Probably when he comes home he will dust the phone for prints.
When he returns he fixes himself food. He asks if S10 is coming home or sleeping at a friend's. (There's some clarity in that he notices S10 is gone and is asking about logistics.) I say I am picking him up in a few minutes. H asks if he can use x glass dish in the oven. I say yes and he starts to put it in the oven. I tell him you can't broil glass. (Not that I see the oven is on "broil," I just know he broils EVERYTHING. Speed is of the essence.) Hmm, wish he was in the MLC broiler vs. standard oven. He removes the food from the glass and broils it on tinfoil.
One hilarious aside: he prides himself on how fast he cooks. He brags that he is saving himself so much time. He broils everything. (Likewise, on the stovetop he cooks EVERYTHING on "high.") So everytime, he pops the food in the broiler and then goes in the dorm room and of course, that deep fog overtakes him and he forgets he even put anything in the broiler. He never sets the timer. I assume setting the timer is not time effective?!? So then, everytime, he runs in yelling that he forgot about his food and he gets mad that he will be eating burnt food.
Another difference last night: he noticed s12 and I are watching Jeopardy. It is the tail end of the show and he comes over and answers two questions. I have not seen that interest and clarity in so long.
When Jeopardy is over he then he starts to tell S12 about the movie he saw. Again, I sort of sense that this is for my benefit "proving" where he went. I don't say anything. I hear very little as I have to leave to go grab S10. When I return he and S12 are at the table talking. It's so normal it is weird. I am on the phone with a friend and go upstairs to finish my conversation.
Later, he is back in the dorm room and the brochure is now on the kitchen island, slanted just so. Looks like he is really trying to show me he went to this movie. I am wondering why he didn't also pin the ticket stub to his shirt.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
yup. i agree. something's up ... i'm reminded of a friend from high school who would go to mass to grab a bulletin every sunday to prove to her parents she was there, but went off and did something else entirely ... not saying that's what he did, but he's sure doing something, isn't he?
keep your sense of humor. skullduggery is afloat.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
"Mom", he wants you to know where he went because he's curious about where you went the other day. Also, he wants you to ask him about the movie and it's killing him that you don't. Leave the brochure right where it is and let's see where he moves it to next.
As for the phone, he was testing you. I guess he was disappointed when he returned and saw it was right where he left it.
As for cooking, he's learning the hard way. He'll eventually get tired of eating burned food.
I think he's having a few moments of clarity, but like all of them, he'll eventually go back into the rabbit hole again.
Keep doing what you are doing...it's bringing him out the dorm room a little at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - As he peeks out at times I am trying to determine how much I am in the same physical space. I am trying some different things. Sometimes I am around and sometimes I am elsewhere. I do not ask him any questions unless they pertain to kids, the house, etc. I am polite and answer his questions. I at times joke with him and I can keep my expectations to zero here. If he laughs, great. If not, oh well. Really, it is for me and something that keeps me from losing myself completely in this crazy quietness.
As for comings and goings, I assume I do not yet start telling him where I am going when I am off by myself? He sometimes offers this (like with the movie) and maybe he expects me to reciprocate. But, my intuition tells me that this will just let him settle further into comfort with this whole arrangement if he knows my whereabouts. I know the back and forth info. is healthy but we're not really partners so it might be perceived as me reading it that way. Thoughts?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I would continue as you have been. I wouldn't tell him anything about my whereabouts unless it has something to do w/your sons and where you are taking them, etc.
You are doing an excellent job and I have to say, your "son" is starting to wonder what you are doing and why you aren't reacting to his antics. Let him sweat!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mleigh - he saw the Hateful Eight. S10 had a game today so in the car, since he had me as a captive audience, h worked the movie into the conversation again. He told me he saw it in the only theater around here where it is in 70mm. (This is now the 3rd time he is telling me this.) Tarantino wanted viewers to have an old time movie experience so the movie offers brochures and an intermission. H did work in how long the movie is. He did it in a way where he seemed to be explaining why he was out so late. (It's 3 hrs. long.)
On the way to the game h asked s10 if there was any movie he and his brother wanted to see. H said this way, he can go see a rated R movie he wants to see while we go to a lower rated movie. Kids don't have a movie they want to see. H says: it's okay, I will wait until there is a movie you want to see and then we will all go together. (What a change from his up and off to the movies by himself.)
Ok Job I will continue as is. Thanks for the advice.
I must say sometimes I have to dash out of the room to keep from laughing. Today I was making lunch for the kids and h is in the room too so I offer him some. His response: "oh, I would love to. But, I am now too old to eat on Saturdays. So, from now on, I won't be eating on Saturdays." (No one says anything. The kids have heard it all and they are completely unphased by the ridiculous.) I want to ask: how old do you need to be before you stop eating on Sundays, too?
OMG, I ducked into the laundry room to laugh it out. I noticed he didn't eat during the day last Saturday but he had not announced his grand plan. The best part is that after fasting last Saturday he ate like a boa constrictor the very next morning. Seems like now he is a teenaged girl?!?!?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I am sorry, but I'm laughing so hard my sides hurt. What's with the fasting on Saturday and the gobbling everything on Sunday? That makes absolutely no sense...but if I were you, I would fix a delicious meal on Saturday and make sure the aroma floats in the air and let's see how fast he sits down to eat or sneaks food.
Gosh that movie has made an impression on him. He really wants a reaction out of you and you're not giving it to him.
I can't help but laugh because he really is off the wall! You most certainly have earned not only your wings but your halo!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I silently follow along with your sitch. I finally have to say: I think your ex has something neurologically wrong with him. The stuff he does and says seriously concerns me at times. The man needs to be evaluated.
Bless your soul for being able to keep such a sense of humor. I don't think your kids could live in such a situation without your stability present.
I hope he gets the help he needs, because, Lord, he needs it.
