I have been a doormat for too long and I have done all the wrong things believe me if you want advice on what does not work then I am your man
Listen to the pros here I wish I had do pen this months ago
For me I am late to the game but now it is all about me ...I will always love my w and I have not given up hope on the m but I will control what I can control
Just don't ask me to to sell the house but I will decide when I am ready nothing is going to happen quickly
Take care hugs
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I have been a doormat for too long and I have done all the wrong things believe me if you want advice on what does not work then I am your man
Listen to the pros here I wish I had do pen this months ago
For me I am late to the game but now it is all about me ...I will always love my w and I have not given up hope on the m but I will control what I can control
Just don't ask me to to sell the house but I will decide when I am ready nothing is going to happen quickly
Take care hugs
Ghost
It sounds like you're finding your spine. That is awesome. You need that. Our wives love to run the house. I know mine did. Was she ever shocked when she tried that after her A and I told her (sorry but I stole it from American Beauty) "No no. You don't get to tell me what to do....ever again."
The comfort of our marriage had lulled me into a state where I was not king of my own castle. Now I am. Now she knows it and she wants to be my queen. For 18+ months I groveled and begged. She had zero respect for me. When I really truly detached and said I was going to file for divorce, and I started truly moving on, was when it flipped the roles and all the sudden all her "I don't know what I want" became "I've made HUGE mistakes, please forgive me, we're meant to be together...blah blah blah."
Women don't respect weak men. They just don't. Be the king of your castle no matter what that castle is. Invite her to be the queen but in a relationship there are rules for both parties. If she wants to be part of your life then great. If not, there are plenty of other queens that would.
Find your strength, you're all good people, and have worth.
I think we have finally dug out from all the snow we were under...and now I can get back to DBing. Although maybe I could count the shoveling as my GAL activity
I had a ton of shoveling to do and felt bad for myself for a few minutes...but then had to remind myself that I got to be with the kids all weekend and I should be grateful b/c H didn't. I still spent way too much time wondering where he was and what he was doing, but at least now I don't try to figure it out. I think I finally turned a corner a few weeks back and truly get that I can't control what he does. I'm still doing pretty well on the no contact for unnecessary reasons front. I think I only texted once in the last week and that was to change something with the kid exchange.
My H and I did get into one long text exchange that was initiated by him. We were trying to coordinate one of the kids sports schedule and the back and forth turned into a nightmare. It started out innocently enough just trying to figure out who was going to drop off. The exchange ended with H asking me over and over why I wasn't going to every event when in the past I always did. I have looked back over the exchange several times and I really have no idea where he got the idea that I wasn't going. I am convinced that he doesn't read half of what I write to him. Sometimes it is soo frustrating!
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have been reading through others stories in the last week or so, but haven't felt I have anything to post. I feel like I'm in a rut and am trying to figure out how to get out of it. I've been doing really well with not initiating any contact unless really necessary and ironically enough I got a text from him that was not about the kids/money or schedule. It was a weird question/attempt at a joke, but I haven't had one of those in a very long time. I guess I have to look at that as progress? I have let my GAL activities slip a bit and then that's when I start focusing on the fact that he's not here. The more I get out and do things with others the better I feel. I've also decided that I need to be the one to make some plans with friends. I've always waited until someone asked me to do something. My new goal for the month is to set up a mom's night out with some friends. I think in the past I've always been afraid to be the one to set something up b/c I thought everyone would say no and I would feel bad about myself. I think now I just need to try and stop being so afraid of rejection.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I caught up on your thread. You've been asking yourself a lot of good questions. Particularly about whether DB is a form of more control, or just another obsession.
I think for many of us we first start trying to DB as a form of control. Trying to force something we can't control makes us crazy, but we try. For some, when they discover that doesn't work they change their tune. They suddenly end things, find someone else, or resort to other desperate attempts at control. For others, we realize what it really means to surrender and accept what we have. If you read my first post on my thread you'll see this is hard and takes a while, but is doable. As I say, you may not be able to force the marriage you've always wanted, but you WILL be able to find the peace and fulfillment you always craved and was hoping that marriage would give you. Nothing beats the real thing.
I'd like to see you continue to post on both your thread and others. It's a 'good' obsession, for me it's practically my GAL activity. GAL to me is anything that you do that's healthy that helps you meet your emotional needs. This also leads to detachment, because once your emotional needs are all being met, H no longer looks like the yin to your yang, but rather a regular guy.
Hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for your thoughts Zues. I've read a lot of what you wrote on your own post and on others and I always value your input. Your last sentence really struck a chord with me. In fact just today my IC mentioned I need to learn to start "dating" myself. She gave me a bunch of great ideas that I really need to start implementing. I have never enjoyed being alone, and I'm just now starting to dig in and try to figure out why. I think another goal of mine this month will be to go out and do something (see a movie...get a drink) all by myself and really see how it feels. I do believe I need to start liking the person I am before I can expect my H or anyone else to.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I think that you're really on to something with then whole "dating yourself" idea. I think that if we don't love and care for ourselves, we cannot love and care for others, be it a spouse, a child, a parent, whomever.
This past week I took myself out to a movie, and really enjoyed it. It's not like you can really even interact with the person in the next seat during a film anyway, so going alone is really not a big change. Go for it!
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
So Valentine's day weekend is coming up. My H and I never really celebrated the holiday (on the actual day at least) because before BD he would always send me flowers just because. We both thought it was silly to pay twice as much for flowers or dinner just b/c it was V-Day.
However, now that I am "alone" I feel like I'm missing something. I decided to send myself flowers and get the kids a little something to celebrate. I really am doing what I can to take the sting out of the "holiday". Any ideas from others on what they'll be doing to keep their mind off of their WAH/WAW?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I realized it's been quite some time since I last posted. Not much new is going on with me, but I really feel like I am getting a handle on the process of detaching. It is so very hard, but I feel better about me. Even though I see my H almost every day (between kid exchange and their activities), I am finally feeling like I can take or leave his being there. When he first left, I would be so excited if the kids had some activity so I would get to see him. I still very much want to work things out with him, but I can see that neither of us was very happy for at least a year leading up to his leaving. Until we can both get to a place of feeling better about ourselves we'll never be able to be better together. I am still struggling with wanting to just "fix" him so he will come home, but realistically I know that can't happen. So, I will continue to fix me and have hope for the future.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
It has been quite a while since I last posted anything on these boards...I still read others situations and try to take advice, but haven't posted about myself or to anyone else. I really believe to get help you need to give it, so I am going to try to get back to reading and responding.
Not much has really changed in my situation. Husband is still gone, still not officially divorced. He initiated the process, but since I don't want it I have done the minimum to respond only when required.
I still struggle with letting go and not wondering what he is doing. While we have 50/50 custody of the kids H is not happy because I am not flexible with him when it's convenient. I struggle because I know the kids need their Dad, but he is the one who didn't want a family or marriage anymore so I feel like I don't need to go out of my way to make life easier for him.
I've learned that he has a "friend" who comes around a lot and does things with him and our kids. I am fairly certain this is the same "friend" who helped him make the decision to leave a few years ago (I believe she got divorced around that same time). I know I can't control what he does and who he spends time with, but I absolutely hate that my kids are around this person who I feel helped split our family. I've stated to him that I'm not comfortable with the kids seeing this "relationship" but I know there is nothing I can do about it. The kids continue to ask me questions and tell me they wish they could just do things with their Dad, but all I can respond with is "You need to talk to your Dad about that"
I continue to go out with friends and do things for myself when the kids are with their Dad, but any other suggestions on ways to help me move past this? It's been so long I thought things would be better by now....and while they definitely are I still have soo far to go
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
