Time to make changes

[peacetoday]

Joss

I would consider detaching more from him
You have made it pretty clear that you care
even in detachment, they can come closer if that is what they want

In your text earlier, you mentioned your pain in regards to his new home and I believe these guys can read between the lines…

I like the idea of kindness and yes if you can practice this while detaching and creating your own life that is great…
so I guess Im saying I like your caring and authentic behavior toward him but at this point I would practice detaching more

yes I too would be interested to see if he accepts offer and what kind of behavior he brings to table

[joss]

Hi job. I think the ice skating is merely a tool to allow him to spend more time with his kids. His dad wasn't around much when he was growing up (he worked abroad to make money for his family to go to boarding school) so I think he wants to be 'around' for his kids, something he missed out on.

H is coming tonight. I am making a couple of his dad's favourite dishes (as I always do on these occassions) and that is always nice. I've had a couple of shots to help me relax lol Who know what events the evening holds..........

[joss]

Sorry I missed your post, peacetoday. I think you are right. I do need to detach more.

H did come over last night. He was in great form with S9 and both their faces lit up when H showed S9 his youtube channel (with old vidoes of the kids on there)!!! When it came to interacting with the other 2 older kids and me it was less relaxed. S14 is slightly autistic (and has OCD) and has a couple of bad habits at the moment which H couldn't believe I let him get away with. He even said he's glad he doesn't havve to be around that all the time, which I thought was nasty. H's face was all screwed up for a good 40 seconds as this was happening, like he was disgusted with his son. (it reminded me of a teenager's response).But I didn't say anything. I just calmly asked S14 the next time he did the habit if he could go out and do it elsewhere, which he did. It has not gone unnoticed (by me) that this habit is exacerbated with stress.

Throughout dinner, H was extoling the virtues of his new fitbit he got for christmas, so that kept him talking for a good 10 minutes. I felt rather redundant, and I didn't have anything much to contribute to the conversation (stress caused me to clam up a little), and I couldn't think of anything else to talk about.

Luckily there was a nature program on TV when we had finished eating so H just spaced out in front of that, making it difficult for me to penetrate his silence. He left at 9pm after claiming he was feeling a little ill.

(as it turns out, I pursued the 'ill' thing the day after this exchange and with much pushing on my part, I managed to get out of him that he is having chest pains (due to the inordinate amount of stress he is under - he is trying to set up his own training business while also working full time in a job he detests, and is expecting redundancy any time soon. The pressure he is under, (having to make enough money for us all to live on (in 2 seperate properties) /pay the bills is pulling him under and I really fear for his health). He won't except any financial help from me (I am on a very low income and trying to build up my business) but I may have to force him to accept my help, by not taking his monthly payments for living expenses. (He already additionally pays the monthly bills by direct debit). This predicament is dreadful to watch. On top of this one of his uncles had a stroke (due to stress) 3 years ago that has left him partially paralised and unable to do simple tasks and I know this is a lot on H's mind (and mine). I simply don't know what to do for the best and am hoping this is not the fate left for my husband.

Sorry to end on such a glum note. I am really fearful for the future.....

[job]

joss,
You can't rescue him. He's got to do this himself. If he's having chest pains and they get bad enough, he'll take himself off to the doctor's. I don't want to sound cold, but some of the pressure that he's experiencing is brought on by his actions. Depression is also in play here and yes, it can create a lot of issues w/the health of the individual experiencing it.

Yes, it's dreadful to watch them spiral out of control and burn themselves out mentally, physically, emotionally and financially, but it has to be done in order for them to face the consequences of their actions. He needs to figure things out for himself.

It's nice that you want to help him out in some fashion financially, but you are going to have to watch out for yourself and your son. Right now, it's very important that you take care of you and your child and that means ensuring that you have enough money to do so.

Again, it's nice that you want to help your runaway, but he's got to figure things out for himself. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him nor be his "mom". He's got to do this on his own.

When in doubt, do nothing. I'm sorry that you have to watch his spiraling, but please, do not allow him to drag you down into the rabbit hole w/him. Keep the focus on you and your child.

[peacetoday]

Joss

Sorry for all you are going through

Im sorry you H could not be there for all the kids

I would comfort and want to make sure I am there for the kids and let them know it is no way their fault..their dad is in a crises I just would not want your autistic child to feel he did something wrong..he is going through enough..

,,I would protect the kids first

.H is grown and he will have to face the consequences and chances are this is just the beginning of them--

as for your H, remember this is a business deal,,
My XH also had sudden High blood pressure during our D and separation and yes it was scary

You have children to raise and you really don't know what H would spend money on if you gave it
I wouldn't offer..instead I would make sure you will be taken care of
seek legal advice just to get the facts. You don't have to do anything
but knowledge is power
hang in there..and please take care of yourself
you are doing a great job holding it all together-

[joss]

Great advice job and peacetoday. If in doubt, do nothing. And that is what I've done..........Keep out of his business. Keep away from him as much as possible.

I am reading a book called Co-dependant no more and what an eye opener!!! It describes me, to a T. Always there. Always dependable. Always wanting to fix everything and everyone. At least I know now. Another thing to change lol

[peacetoday]

Love Melonie Beattie

There is a 12 step program called Codependents anonymous (CODA)

meetings online and in every state and probably worldwide

[joss]

Thanks for that peacetoday. Just booked myself into a meeting on Monday night 1 mile from my house!

[Sotto]

Hi Joss - good for you! Reading your post reminded me I want to read that book, so I ordered it too. I'll be interested to hear how you get along in the group too.

Just FYI, I'm also in the UK and just finished doing a Divorce Recovery Workshop, which was helpful and has a post-workshop social scene too. When I looked into doing this, I noticed they have a group in Wilmslow that organise workshops too. Just mentioning to you for possible future reference - though I hope your sitch doesn't go the way of mine, of course.

Take care my friend xx

[joss]

Thanks for that sotto. Will take a look. Sorry your sitch didn't work out. Will take a look at your thread.