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[Tamjakr]

Thanks sotto! I absolutely love hearing from you on this forum. It helps so much!!

[Tamjakr]

Another holiday to get thru while he's happy as a clam with the ow, uuuggghhh

[Tamjakr]

So his ow is practically living with him and he calls, I don't answer, he texts -I miss talking to you, can't we have a normal conversation. I reply that I'd really rather not talk to him unless it pertains to the kids. He says he'll stop bugging me and again I don't reply. He wants his new happy life with her but still maintain a connection with me. Doesn't seem right does it? Am I doing the right things?

[Sotto]

Hi Tamjakr, yes I think that's absolutely right - hold firm on that boundary and go do some nice things for yourself....

Take care xx

[Tamjakr]

How do I know when to give up hope? He is with the ow. He texts me mostly everyday, sometimes about the kids only and sometimes with a sexual innuendo then say j/k or saying time will tell all but he's not waiting to change his situation now. My councelor says I need to let go and why would I want a cheater back. Help?!

[Sotto]

Hi Tam, I think it's much to early to be giving up hope. Time will tell how this will play out. But do you see how he wants to keep your focus on him - even while he is living with OW? - not healthy!!

My advice would be not to engage with him on anything other than child related stuff - and please don't give him any impression that YOU are waiting on HIM to make up his mind about what he wants? Please accept him as gone and focus on building a rich and rewarding life without him.

I'm not saying he's gone for ever - but he's certainly as gone as he can be for now - and I don't believe he has anything good to offer you at this point in time. Now then, if he grows up a good bit, completely ends things with OW and asks 'what will it take' for us to reconcile? That's the time to look back IMHO - but until or unless - forward motion and let him live the life he chose for himself (my guess is - that grass ain't all that green and a dog peed on it yesterday too....he just has yet to realise this and it may take a good while before he does.)

In the meantime, leave him to his lot and live your life! Take care xx

[ciluzen]

How do I know when to give up hope? He is with the ow. He texts me mostly everyday, sometimes about the kids only and sometimes with a sexual innuendo then say j/k or saying time will tell all but he's not waiting to change his situation now. My councelor says I need to let go and why would I want a cheater back. Help?!

It used to bother me when others (including ICs) would ask questions like "Why would you want a cheater (liar, MLCer,WAS)". It implies that you are being judged by them for your very reasonable choice to be with the person whom you chose to live the rest of your life with. There are things about that person that you still love, as well as a shared history and intimacy, even if they are choosing to do something that hurts you at this time. Remember, THEY are making a CHANGE in THEIR life because something is causing them enough pain that they cannot tolerate it any more. Not because they suddenly became cruel or a psychopath. What is it?

A better question is, "what was happening in your lives (stressors, way of communicating, way of interacting) that affected him enough to leave?". This will take some deep soul searching and research (read DR, books on listening,love languages, validation, etc).You may hit some low points emotionally when your part in this comes to light. It will most definitely not all be YOUR FAULT, even though while learning through this research you will recognize things that make it seem so. But you cannot control your S or your S's behavior directly. You can only control and change YOUR behavior.So these "faults" are the things that you can work on. You may even find, as I did, that by changing them you will make yourself happier in other aspects of your life that you didn't even realize were being affected.

So, as people on this board will tell you, work on YOU. DB, GAL, research and learn. It doesn't matter who he is with right now. Be a better you. Be the one H fell in love with, only wiser, happier, and better. Stronger.

Your H is still contacting you daily. Not always about the kids. He wants to see your reaction. HE STILL WANTS TO SEE A REACTION. Throw away any idea that he is doing it to spite you, be cruel, or insensitive. REMEMBER, he is acting out of pain as well. Follow DR, show him only kindness and understanding in your BRIEF replies. Become an expert in validation. Don't reply if his communication seems to be a jab. Ignore the bad behavior in texts...its probably just to get attention.

There is hope. Put it on the back burner. Work on you, as hard as it is with the pain you are feeling. That will help you to get through this. But don't make your S the ENEMY. Or the real question will really be, "Why would you want to stay with someone you think of as your worst enemy?".

[Tamjakr]

Thank you everyone. The latest episodes are he's been texting me more. He came over and dropped off something of the kids and kissed me. Said he shouldn't have done that. I guess him an ow are having issues. He won't talk about it. He says he thinks about me all the time, that he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't want to hurt me and that I deserve to be happy. Please help me interpret all this. I know I need to let it go and see what plays out but a lot of you have gone through similar experiences that might know what's going on.

[Tamjakr]

I think him saying I don't know what've want is a nice way of saying I don't want you.

[ciluzen]

I think him saying, "I don't know what I want" is him saying he doesn't know what he wants.

It is very hard when you are feeling the pain of loss and rejection, as well as the anger that flits in and out, to accept that your S is a person in pain and confusion. Something was missing or causing him to want to escape the R.

It is easy to see your own lack of trust in an S who has an A or who up and leaves. They made their untrustworthyness obvious. But where is his lack of trust in YOU coming from? He chose to act instead of share the issues that drove him to act. Do the hard thinking and research. Answer that question and DB accordingly. You may have to be a bit of a Sherlock Holmes. What has he said in the past? When did he roll his eyes at you? What did you say that caused him to heavy sigh? What has he told people in your presence that stood out. Build your 180s around these.
Forget about the OW. She is a symptom of his confusion. Ignore her. The R between YOU and your H is the important one. She is the runny nose to the flu of your R. Wipe her away and get healthy. Find the medicine that fits your illness and take it as prescribed. Not just when it is convenient. And be patient. It will work its wonders in time.