B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

No, she's paying for herself. She actually earns more money than me. She's a licensed civil engineer.

But also, I forgot to mention, since October 20th, I've officially lost 63lbs as of this morning. So, there's another thing.

[TxHubby]

Is that 63 lbs you needed to lose or are you not eating and wasting away?

[RosaLinda]

Hey B, stop fretting over how your wife will act when you see her. They all swing between being fake nice, real nice, and really really nasty LOL. You just keep being calm, steadfast, pleasant, wonderful you! Keep "I'm sorry you feel like that" at the ready and smile and walk away if you need to!

Your exam is so late, and on New Years eve! Good luck on it! What profession are you getting licensed in?

Happy New Year B. Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

[Bfice3]

Hey All...been taking a little break from posting. RosaLinda the exams I'm taking are for getting my architectural license.

So...for those of you who haven't followed all the posts above, here's a little rundown of the current sitch. Last weekend I went into the house and found a letter written by my wife to OM. She claims it was only an EA that only happened during separation. But, I don't believe or trust her basically at all at this point. She's been out of town with the kids since Christmas day. She changed her facebook status to show no relationship and told me today that she hasn't been wearing her wedding ring this week.

I ended up breaking down last night after my exam. When I got back out and logged on to facebook there was a post of her and her sister out and she looked so good. So, I liked her post (along with 120 other people) and sent her a text telling her she looked really good in her picture (she never responded).

She called me today to tell me they probably weren't going to be getting back home from their trip until a day later than expected and that we would have to rearrange days with the kids. Basically, I lose a day now, and gain a day this week. Which, is fine (kinda, because she would probably have been rude about it to me).

Also, during the call she caught me off guard about my meeting with the priest earlier this week, and I tried to stay dark about information but I think I just ended up sounding rude.

So, then I messed up again. I called her back. And I pretty much pursued her on the phone. I asked her if she was still wayward, and she said yes, she's definitely still wayward. She expressed some amount of anger about me going in to the house, but really her tone in general was just frustration. She seems very upset about basically everything in her life right now. At which, I was kind of okay at validating her feelings. I don't know if she took my validations as serious, but she didn't get negative or anything either. She went on and on about work, and bills, and everyone she ran into giving her so much advice about her situation (she said she got the whole gamut of people saying she should work it out, she should get divorced, what about her kids, etc...). Again, I tried to validate as much as I could.

She was postulating about getting divorced and having to sell the house, and move back to Louisiana, and us having to get a separation agreement, and on and on, taking down the christmas lights, buying our daughter a dress, and on and on.

I expressed that I wanted to work things out between us. She said something about going backwards, and I said, no I don't mean going backwards, I mean going forwards, but doing it in a way where we can eventually find our way back together. She said it was a big turn around since last weekend, and a few other things, and I don't know, we talked for a little while longer.

I asked her if she would still be willing to meet once a week or so for an hour, just her and I, and talk. Maybe read some bible passages, and just discuss things. I don't remember exactly how she answered, it wasn't 'yes' exactly word for word, but it was a positive response (in a sense) with a, "But I'm going to need some time, not on Sunday cause we'll just be getting back, and maybe not next weekend either..." But, it sounded okay, kind of.

And that was about how we left it.

So, I need some pointers on moving forward into the next few weeks. Basically, I'm kind of torn. On the one hand, I feel like the closer we get to a formal feeling separation, the harder things will be for her and hopefully she would have that awakening. Like, last weekend I thought I should completely get all the rest of our bills separated, and move out ALL of my stuff from the house including whatever would basically be half of my stuff that we shared. But, maybe all that would do is drive her further away and have negative consequences.

If I don't go that route...then I need to discuss how to do the LRT and going dark again...because I'm kind of lost still.

[Bfice3]

Talking to myself here...but whatevs. WW just got home and back from her trip. She sent me a text saying I did myself a big disservice by breaking in to the house. She says she feels like I went through everything and feels very uncomfortable.

I just sent a reply saying, I understand. You must feel like I really violated your space.

I go tomorrow to pick up the kids, and I'm fully expecting her to pull me aside and give me an earful. But, we'll see. She may not.

Either way, I'm really looking forward to having my kids back for a couple of days! God, I've missed them.

Also, I just had a first. As I was thinking about the WW and how she is acting, I had some thoughts of gratitude. I'm grateful that the mother of my children is still alive. I'm grateful that I'm still alive and sober and I can still be a dad to my kids!

Anyway...good night.

[trumpet]

Bfice,

I'm just now caught up on your sitch.

It took me two months to be able to detach enough to validate and tell my WW that it will be OK, whatever she does, and I'll be fine. It took 2 months of being on this BB, and reading Divorce Remedy, to finally believe the words I told my wife a couple mornings ago. And I haven't turned back.

There is hope to save the M. Yes, hope! But that hope must be packaged and slid on a shelf for now. Work on YOU. I have an addiction, just like you - read up on my sitch. I'm going to a hidden addiction men's group for 32 weeks starting this month. Excited to go! I need the support. 63 days now - no porn!

Everyone on this board kept saying TAKE ACTION, but I didn't know what they were talking about until my head stopped spinning from the BD. I have lost 25 lbs so far, and see losing another 25lbs. I have set up goals for 2016. I am telling my kids I love them every day, hugs, and playing with them.

Take action - set up goals. Prepare for the worst (divorce, no W), and hope for the best (complete reconciliation, and a better marriage than before!) But you can't have that unless you're taking ACTION on yourself. If you were a woman, what would you want to see? Not just an attractive man, but how you stand, where you go, what you wear, how you smell, what you watch TV, or heck, if you watch TV. I was a bit of a couch potato - now, the TV is off, unless the Packers are playing!

My WW is in a flat spin right now. Pastor has talked with her, and she's angry at everyone. So are my kids when I discipline them, but they later know it was for their good. I'm not disciplining my wife per se, but she knows what she's doing is wrong, and now knows I'm going to be walking away from her hot mess.

[Bfice3]

So...I came here to write about another thing that happened yesterday that was disappointing and hurtful...BUT...i just realized...coming here to post at all is me holding on and pursuing my WW...I have to let go for real...and it goes against everything I feel, everything inside of me screams no...but she is simply moving on, and why the heck would I want someone who doesn't want me? Don't worry I'm not going on any dates. But, I may be trying to post here less. This was just another thing I was doing to pursue my wife and I have to let go of her. Its just me and my kids now and thats okay.

[Azzork]

coming here to post at all is me holding on and pursuing my WW

I may be trying to post here less. This was just another thing I was doing to pursue my wife and I have to let go of her.

To each their own. I find most people regret when they stop posting here, because then they start doing things that are against the DB principles. Being here helps hold people accountable for their actions.

But I wish you the best.

[vise82]

Hey,

Still post, just post about you and how your doing if you find you are posting too much about what your W does or doesn't do.

[Azzork]

I just sent a reply saying, I understand. You must feel like I really violated your space.

Close, I think. But dont tell her HOW she feels. Tell her you understand how she feels.
"I can see how you would feel violated by my actions."
vs.
"You must feel violated by my actions."

I go tomorrow to pick up the kids, and I'm fully expecting her to pull me aside and give me an earful. But, we'll see. She may not.

You know what they say about expectations...