Time to make changes

[123Gwen]

Joss - I am so glad you are focusing on yourself and your relationship with the children. It seems like your H is reacting not reflecting on the situation. The best gift you can give yourself is to be completely focused on your life and your happiness in your family. It is hard to accomplish this task on a daily basis but it is truly the only way you can rise above the muck.

[joss]

Thanks kml for your roadmap. We are nowhere near that point. I think my H just wants to remain friends with me.

The correspondence I get from him simply tell me that he is sad for the way things turned out for us. There is no sense of him having understood that his affair caused the problem in our marriage.

Naturally, I am unable to remain his friend under these circumstances; friends don't hurt each other like that, and they certainly aren't secretive and deceptive with each other.

I think you will know if he is serious or he just wants to keep his foot in the door
It will take a lot for him to really turn his life around at this point

In my situation, I don't feel he's trying to keep his foot in the door, peacetoday. I think he has just resigned himself to the fact that our marriage is over (due to our 'growing apart' over the years (not mentioning his affair, of course)) and he is now focussing on a new life without me (hense the dating sites). He sends me emails/texts on 'special days' to say he's thinking of what we had, but not that he wants a renewed relationship with me.


Regarding 'turning his life around'. I do think he is heading in that direction. He seems to be putting a lot of effort into setting up his own business (which he's wanted for about 10 years) so that is definately a positive for him.

123Gwen thanks for your kind words. I am trying to put my family centre stage. They are the only ones that matter now.

Regarding my wedding addiversary: I've just had a text from h saying "Another sad day. I hope you are OK". So this just confirms what I said above about him recognising special days and saying how sad it all is. Nothing more, Nothing less.

thanks for listening, kind friends. x

[joss]

So I sent H a Happy New Year text at 11.50 last night and he returned the text with X. No message. I thing this tells me a lot about where he's at.

Tomorrow (jan 2nd) is the 2 year anniversary of when his dad died. He has just been over to pick up a picture of his dad. When he'd left, I called him and invited him around for dinner tomorrow as I don't like the thought of him being alone on that day. I don't know if he'll accept my offer. He said he'd get back to me. I am feeling kindness is the only way through this. I dont know if this is more for his benefit or mine, but I feel it's the right thing to do.

[joss]

Ooops, I forgot to wish all a Happy New Year. May 2016 be happy and filled with kindness, and may our partners find happiness in whatever they decide is best for them. Cheers. x

[joss]

I've just had the most bizarre conversation I've ever had in my life:


H texted earlier to ask the kids (and me) over for tea tonight and asked if pasta with tomato sauce was OK?

I replied:

Pasta is fine. Do you need cheese bringing? [he's been away for the past 2 weeks and I know he won't have had time to go shopping as yet]

Thank you for your kind offer for me to attend for dinner but it's best that I don't come as it will be too painful for me to be in your new apartment with all your stuff that used to be here. It's too sad for me. I hope you can come here tomorrow though [tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of his dad's death], as I don't want you being alone. But please do as you wish.

I hope you understand. x

And his response:

Yes to the cheese

Absolutely unbelieveable. So I still don't know if he's going to grace us with his presence tomorrow. I'm not going to ask him again, though.

Was it something I wrote?? Where did I go wrong???

[joss]

Well, apparently H IS coming over for tea tomorrow night. My son has just told me (he's been at Hs for tea tonight). When will I get told, I wonder. This is such bizarre behaviour lol

[job]

joss,
It's not you...it's him. You have to retrain your brain so that you can remember he's not the man you married. He's going to be the exact opposite of that person, i.e., mirror image. He's going to act like a teenager, say things that are off the wall and his behavior is going to be that of someone you wouldn't want to have around. In fact, your children will be more mature than he is.

Keep the expectations at zero because he'll say he's going to do something and then he won't.

Hang in there!

[joss]

Thanks for that reminder, job. I do know this, but it's quite strange how H can talk to me about my business in a normal way, giving advice/help etc as he has always done, yet act like a child at other times. I have noticed his childlike behaviours. He definately seems like a little boy at times, a very sad and scared little boy.

I was sad today that he didn't wish me a Happy New Year. Not because I needed/wanted to hear it from him, but because I could see he couldn't actually say it. That is so sad.

[joss]

Well, just had my first encounter with H this morning. He's on the way to take a trial ice skating class. Apparently he asked Father Christmas for some classes but didn't get them. I have no idea where this idea has come from. He has really bad knees and a bad back, and the only time we've ever been ice skating he's ended up sitting on the ice the whole time. He's always refused to go on the ice whenever the kids have had a party there, so this is a strange thing to want to try. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact I have been taking 2 of the kids there each week since mid-November as they both love it. Maybe someone can see some connection there?

Anyway...... today is the anniversary of H's dads death, 2 years ago. So when he turns up this morning, I was in the garden lighting the shrine candle, as I usually do on the anniversaries and birthdays of those who've passed. H didn't come in the house, just sat in the car waiting for the kids to be ready. When the kids got in the car, I went out and whispered 'Are you all right?', obviously meaning in regards to his dad. He scoffed at me, not saying a word, as if to say what do you care? In my head I'm thinking that this behaviour is a reference to him still blaming me for throwing him out. Anyway, I gently put my hand on his shoulder (he was sitting in the car) and kneeded it a little for about 2 seconds, and then he moved forward to get away from my touch, pretending to put the car into gear.

So that was that. I am not taking any of this personally. I am detatched, but feel his pain and lonliness so much and he seems so trapped. Should I be feeling all of this it I'm detatched? I don't know.

He still hasn't told me if he's coming here for dinner tonight or what time he'll return with the kids today . I guess if he comes, he comes, but I don't imagine he will.

Will post more later, I'm sure! It's still only 10am here, so we can fit a lot more drama into today, I'm sure......

[job]

MLCers will experiment w/different things during their crisis. Ice skating appears to be on his list. Maybe as a child he wanted to learn and didn't have the time or money to do so. Also, it could be that he sees his children having fun and wants to try it. I wouldn't put too much thought into it because it's probably a passing interest.

Your h knows that you care and he also knows what the date means. He probably doesn't want to think and/or talk about it because it reminds him of his own mortality clock ticking.

It will be interesting to see if he shows up for dinner or if he just drops the kids off.

Enjoy your day!