But, need to vent about the MLC-Er. Okay... So he reached out to all three of us as per usual. I told him to stop as far as I was concerned because I knew he was still involved/living with OW (didn't know, but assumed). He confirmed it thru silence.
It's been 4 years this Jan. it didn't even occur to me until yesterday, we came home to those cards. He also reached out to D21 with all sorts of promises last week.
We were having this fun day and come home to read I have been passed over again because Matt is "stuck."
More than anything, I'm just angry. He disrupted our Christmas for freakin nothing. I sent an angry text and told him enough is enough with the holiday teasing. Called him a grandiose bast... For thinking he has the right to interrupt our lives and tease the girls with promises he won't keep. Sorry for the downer, but needed to get this out so I can be there for the girls the rest of the day. What an asshat.
I'm angry. Tired of being teased.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, So, he reached out because of the holidays. You have to pity the poor soul because he has made the decision to remain stuck, just as HaWho has mentioned.
What do you do...shake your head and so "oh, well, he's still down in the rabbit hole". Don't allow him to dictate how you should feel. Yes, he was a blip on your radar screen for the holidays, but I had the warned the posters every year that they come peeking out of the old rabbit hole around the holidays. Try to learn not to react to what he does. For instance, I wouldn't have sent him an angry text. I would have let it go because they crave attention, be it negative or positive and yes, you basically gave him the entire kibble on a silver platter by texting him. Learn to ignore his texts unless it's something of importance. such as child support.
Heather, you don't owe this man the time of day because right now, he's trying to drag you back down into the rabbit hole w/him, i.e., he's miserable and he wants you that way too.
Cut the cord, learn not to react to his behavior and leave him twisting in the wind...after all...you are now divorced. Your girls are old enough and smart enough to deal w/him in their own way.
Step back, leave him out there to twirl in the wind.
After all of that...Merry Christmas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wouldn't have sent him an angry text. I would have let it go because they crave attention, be it negative or positive and yes, you basically gave him the entire kibble on a silver platter by texting him. Learn to ignore his texts unless it's something of importance.
Couldn't agree more. Think of it this way: each time you respond to the reaching out, you'll prolong it. What I mean is that if you respond, he'll know you'll respond and will continue. Next time you're angry or otherwise impacted by his reaching out all these years later, just don't respond. If you want to, think of it as prolonging the interactions. Is that what you want?
After a while, they will go away (mostly) but you won't be affected. They'll focus on something else.
Silence sends the most emphatic message. Telling them to stop doesn't work.
Get back to your Merry Christmas. It's nice and warm in NC (although I have no idea what it's like in the mountains; just where I am) and a good night for watching the full moon.
Go enjoy!
Merry Christmas!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ - Weird I am in NC too - LOL. It is also weirdly warm for December.
Heather, I am sorry you felt disrespected by Matt. The holidays are tough. We all want that Christmas miracle story of love and reconciliation. I understand your anger but that time and energy can never be reclaimed. At this point it is not about learning to care for Matt less but dedicating ALL your time and energy on caring more for yourself. Your D's know the deal. It is not a surprise. The best you can give them is not to let it bother you for a second. You and your girls deserve only the best quality people in your life. Don't let his issues color your world. You've got this.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I am going to be blunt because that's what I do:) I refrain from posting you mostly, because I know you may just not be in a spot to receive what I have to say and the way I say it. So I respect that. But I want you to really take a look.
You know very well you can just ignore him. You keep telling him you want him to leave you alone. Yu respond and respond, and he bites back and he bites back, and he clearly has no intention right now of making any really changes and following through, and you are a smart woman and you know that.
He will go away if you ignore him. he will stick around if you keep throwing him bait.
I think you might be scared to completely let go. You are holding onto him by a thread. You both are doing the same thing.
I did this to someone for a few years. Not my ex, to someone else. Not until I completely let go, which wasn't easy, did I open the door for the real stuff.
You know what you need to do. you know the cause and effect of the push pull, and of the response of whether or not it be angry or nice.
I guess it's a question of whether or not you are ready to completely ready to let him go. Only you know the answer to that. But holding onto the thread with him in this state isn't really going to get either of you anywhere.
Ginger, I think your posting was spot on. It's the fear of the unknown and her former h is familiar to Heather. I do agree 100% w/what you posted. If you don't respond/react to his missives, he will eventually get the message. There truly is no need for him to contact you unless it has something to do w/the child support. Heather, your daughters are now old enough to deal w/their father. If they want to be contact w/him, they will. If they don't, then he'll have to figure out how to repair the bridge he tore down years ago.
Your job in all of this is to be supportive of your daughters and to pick up the pieces of your life and begin a new life in the Carolinas. It's not your job any longer to be a support beam for your xh. It's time he grew up and realized what a mess he's created. From where I'm sitting, it is all lip service and no action from him.
Drop the rope, let him go and move forward w/your life. You've been given a second chance at happiness. Grab that brass ring and go for it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
After I vented here and via text, I went back to Christmas and had a wonderful holiday with the girls. Louisa said, "Mom, that was the nicest Christmas we had in a long time." REALLY touched me.
Honestly, I know my process maybe isn't what is recommended or whatever... but, it's mine. It's been stops and starts and letting go and picking up the rope, dropping it, stomping on it, setting it on fire, repairing it, duct taping it back together, dropping it again and whatever... But, I'm still moving forward and grasping the reality as it is today.
I've been working hard on creating some new financial habits and putting a firm footing under me in terms of income. I've been honestly facing the consequences that years of overspending, vagueness and debting have wreaked on my kids. I'm taking a good hard look at myself.
The message I gained from this holiday... Time to let go of the mirage that this man, or any man, will be my salvation from life's troubles. I'm seeing how I have used Matt, other stuff as a distraction from my responsibilities, stress, worries, boring stuff...
I received the card with this sappy memory of our first glimmers of a relationship when we were still teenagers. A holiday card with a reminder of a sweet memory, while the d-bag is still living with OW and making more excuses why he can't step up for his kids... Yes, the mature, Al-anon-approved, DB reaction woulda been to ignore it.
I didn't. Vented and haven't heard a damn thing from him. He is a worm and goes back into his cave when I react.
Whatever.
Here's my take...
I've reached a point where I put myself and my needs first. At that moment, watching my kids, in particular, get angry and disturbed by the cards and crap he was dealing out... I reacted. It pi$$ed me off. He no longer has the right to try to weasel into any holiday. We came home from the Biltmore, seeing my Aunt, having a nice lunch with my aunt, having this wonderful day to these cards waiting for us... full of crap. I watched the girls' faces fall.
I made that point. FOR ME. To MATT... YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME AT OUR HOLIDAY. This is OUR day, our holiday... stay out of it. Your life is no longer waiting for you Matt Berry.
In the past few months in particular, I've had to face some harsh realities about my own imperfections. When he comes out of the shadows, I feel teased. The girls do too. It's like, we all have these mountains to climb... Cal (who, by-the-by got a 3.75 GPA this past semester--remember when that girl was in Jail??)... anyway, we have these hurdles to get past and we are doing without his help. When he reaches out, it's like there's this moment of, "Hey! Maybe we will get some help... help with college, help with Louisa, help with whatever..." Then, BAM! Nada.
Sorta like, being in the middle of a cold shower and someone offers a blast of warmth... You wanna believe, but...
My heart can't do it any longer. No more holiday teasers.
Here's what I haven't posted:
-Had to let go of my car. Can't afford it right now. I have a friend who I pay to get me to work. It hasn't been easy, but we are living within our means now. For the first time in maybe ever, I'm living within my means. But, it means we have had to let go of some freedoms and the coping mechanisms I created where we would jump in the car, drive, explore and end up spending what I can't afford have stopped. -No car, means I have to be ready to leave the house when I say I'm ready. This means, we leave on time, I'm always the first one to the office and my boss seems really happy with my performance. Louisa comes with me and does her schoolwork. -Looking for a place closer to town where we can use bus transit, be within walking distance of churches, library, etc...but, not there yet. -Have a D.A. Sponsor. I check in each day at 7:45 a.m. with my numbers (how much I plan to spend, how much I spent). -Told my sponsor about the vent via text. She isn't concerned. Matt isn't my priority right now. He got an earful, but the other stuff I'm doing--work/numbers/kids --this is my priority and that's where my focus is at... His life, situation is neither here-nor-there for me... Essentially, what I did is tell him to back-the-hell off while I'm getting my life in order. Strangely, I do know he will do what I asked. -Still a member of an ADHD women's group. I use it to bookend which means I tell other members tasks I have to manage and then check in with them during the day after I complete each task. -I call one person each day to share whatever. -I have a face-to-face meeting in Asheville where I have in-person support from other DA members. -I have a few friends here in Asheville and working on making more. -We've almost been here 3 months and we've had more fun in the past three months than we've had in the past four years. The financial stresses much lighter... The job stresses much, much lighter. I don't worry about paying the basics any longer. I'm not breaking out all over the place. I'm not napping daily!! -I don't feel the burning desire to tell Matt my every feeling, or to tell anyone my every feeling... I don't. I still have my moments, but I'm dealing with the uncomfortable feelings by reaching out and sharing with live people. -The uncomfortable part is letting go of the old habits and feeling the yucky stuff. It won't kill me.
For me... My vent was about telling him to keep his B.S. in Ohio. We have enough to deal with and we ARE dealing.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather - wow! I have said it before but I will say it again, I am so impressed by all you are doing to take care of yourself and your girls.
It takes such courage to take an honest look at ourselves. No one is perfect, but once we look at our faults, it then takes such grit to do that hard work to better ourselves.
And kudos to your daughter on that GPA and all the work it took to earn that.
I am cheering you on and wishing you the very best in 2016.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Heather, I'm so happy to come here and read that Cali got a 3.75. It took her being on her own and working out her issues to get her to where she is today.
I'm sorry about the vehicle, but you had to get your expenses under control and by George, you are doing it, hard as it may be.
Heather, this is the first time in a very, very long time that I can see you mean each and every work that you've posted. There is no waffling about what you can and need to do. Woman, you are doing it and succeeding as you walk along.
All I can say is this...keep up the good work. Each and every struggle, pain, disappoint and yes happiness will pay off at the end of the road for you and your girls.
Happy New Year!
BTW, do you still have the same phone number or did you change it? I might just one day surprise you w/a call to cheer you on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
