Slow and steady .. Only way to get through the fog

[CaliGuy]

As I read this, I thought two things Amigo. 1) I thought - will she learn to let the pressure out in smaller doses? Perhaps that's her learning curve? 2) What made you stop being the Cali 2.0 that you had to go back to the ways?

Don't spoil SW for those of us that have yet to see it!

Merry Christmas, Cali.

AJ

AJ

1.) I think she is really working on this, mostly behind the scenes but I do see it. She realized I think from S that she blows her top and that reminds her of her mother so she really has been working on this.... the last week episode I think she has come to realize was less to do with me and more about all the stuff she has going on, I just happen to be handy and easy to direct this frustration towards.

2.) This one I have given a good deal of thought about over the past week. I think the closer I felt I was getting, the more things from the past were bothering me, so admittedly I fell somewhat into the punishment trap...(along with forgetting W is still processing things and will be for some time)... that was a steep slippery slope. I have realized none of that does me any good regardless, and as I posted on Foggs page, there is no amount of "I'm sorry's" that will reverse the past, undo the pain ... the pain was what lead me to this change in the first place ... did I want it, no, but without it I would not have grown to this point if I am truly honest about it.
Short answer .... I lost my way a little, not completely ... but in the sense that I was hurt and angry I let that get the better of me a few times. Cali 2.0 is better than that ... in a way I think I had to go back in the tunnel and close my own doors if that makes any sense.

No spoilers here ... but I am looking forward to making another memory with S when we go check it out. (Oh W is coming to ...lol)

[AJM]

I think the trap is that you fall into allowing her to blame you or otherwise take her frustration out on you. That seems to start the cycle from this vantage point. And I wonder if you are part of that dynamic in some way? I dunno, just asking.

I recall in the past, as 2.0 Cali, that you would not accept that blame even for a minute. Back when you were more detached.

I get it though. I figured that as you get closer, the old dynamic is a serious risk. For you both. Kind of like old LSD trips coming back as you lose weight and the fat cells release what they stored

AJ

[CaliGuy]

AJ ... Fair point and in a way there has been a good deal of boundary testing , strangely like a child whom you told no more snacks before dinner they wait till you are looking and act like they are reaching for the cookies waiting for youth react and inching closer to that treat till you do. I have been pretty firm as far as not allowing her to blame me, firing truth darts.... But admittedly fell into the punishment trap knowing I have that a "adultery trumps all card" close by and was not afraid to show her it was there even if I didn't pull it I might hint towards it in frustration, this I have been really thinking about and working on.

As far as her takin her frustration out, that cliff is harder for me to walk on it seems ... Not sure why ... And it's such an old M issue that I don't realize it till after it happens , goes back to that fixer/pleaser type person I was.... Showing me more work lays ahead for me still

[mleigh4]

It's hard to explain what I was feeling, so I hope it makes sense. Sounds like you get it...I didn't want H romantically, in fact I was very distant. Nonetheless, he was a HUGE comfort to me. I needed my family and I knew it. Even though, I could not figure out why I felt so confused and distant from them.

Seems I feel that way again about H, different circumstances this time though! I crave my family unit, it is what keeps me standing. Right now, it's not about H, it's about the unit. I miss that comfort so much. May be why I spin when we all spend time together, I get scared to get my hopes up....

You sound to be getting rebalanced Cali. I like to hear about the Cali, doing his thing! If I am anywhere close with where W is at, just be there for her, where she can see you, not much more right now. I believe it will pay off.

Merry Christmas

[CaliGuy]

Hello all .. and Happy Holidays

Thought I would update/journal a bit.

So after the whole blow up a few weeks ago, I went 1 week on the couch, then another week where W was pretty guarded, to this past week W was actually pleasant ... somewhat talkative and here and there even playful.

So last Thursday I was at work, W was with S and doing their thing .. last minute shopping and Santa visit .. all that. We closed up early so I took that bonus time to go get my haircut. I have been a bit more focused on my looks lately I think part just to increase my personal PMA a bit more and partly because I gained back a good chunk of that DB weight, hard to explain but there is something brewing with this and I think its due to the fact I am living with a MLC'r whom does not see me in that romatitic/attractive light ... just as an A can destroy self esteem, the long on going months of no physical interaction too has a way of doing this and I realized on some self reflecting that I need to just do this for me, for my own confidence.

So after I came home and W, S and I went to Mass Christmas Eve, on our way out, as tradition ( minus the past 2 years) I 'forgot something' ran back in the house and pulled out all the gifts, ate the Santa cookies, and took the elf on the shelf down, left his letter and was looking for a good place to hide the little guy ... found a red/white bag in the closet and went to put him in there. Upon doing this ... there was a card inside, not sure but assuming W had bought this some time ago (she will often buy cards like this .. stash them and never send them) anyways this was obviously for OM, did get me spinning a bit and yeah .. hurt to read .. was along the lines of "When I want to see your face - I just look at the picture I took of you in the shower, I miss you" All pre-printed and she had not written anything ... anyways not the type of thing one would wnat to read as he is on his way with his family for Christmas Mass ..... I really thought about how to handle this, I decided 48 hours ... realizing I was spinning a bit .. 48 hours and I would think about it then. W asked me what was wrong when I got in the car, in my head I wanted to blast her .. but instead I faked a stomach ache due to the rush of cookies and milk. We went to Mass, then came home to see what Santa had left. S was a pretty happy boy, I did well with W's gifts ... she seemed to really like everything. I was actually surprised as she bought me a few thoughtful things ... all on sale mind you and she did not spend much .. but the items were at least thoughtful. The rest of the weekend we went out on a few drives, Saturday with the in-laws where Cali2.0 is much more comfortable and I spent the evening talking with FIL and BIL till W told me it was time to go .... I used to pretty much keep to myself and could not wait to leave. Sunday ... I woke early as usual and walked the dog but then decided to go to the early Mass, as I was getting dressed W asked where I was going and she said "But we already went Thursday" I smiled and said "I know .. I just feel like going, you and S can stay and sleep in" she asked me to come into bed for just a little bit, not in the way you would want .. she was cold and I am the portable heater in times like this, not complainint atleast I do get a little snuggle time here and there (table scraps I know). After I came back we went to see Star Wars (ok ok .. not going to say anything). After I had told W that we could get grocieries then I needed some time in the garage to organize a bit. At the store as we were about to check out the checker came to us and move us to his newly opened lane .... he was very similar looking to OM ... it triggered me a bit but I was shaking it off just as W asked me a question S ran to ma and gave me a big bear hug .... seems this may have triggered him too .. or was just a random hug but W's demeanor totally changed, shook it off and loaded up the car, even joked about a guy talking to his son ... home we went, without an episode.

All in all a good peaceful weekend, W had 3-4 spew moments where I was quick to disguard it, tell her I would not be spoken to in such ways and each time she apologized pretty quickly ... progress I suppose.

Journal/Observations:
So I have been reading a bit, sipping on the STFU smoothies as W was sharing some of her youth during our drives... and have been putting pieces together in regards to my W. She definately fits the profiling for a MLCr, her parents were completely nuts as far as overreacting/controling/critical ... she is the youngest out of 5 and her oldest brother is the "Golden-Child" ... she was never allowed to date, and when she did it was escorted by her father or one of the brothers, one instant she told me was a older guy she worked with asked her out and her father not only forbid her dating the guy, he made her quit and find a new job. The choice in OM making more sense as he is the same type of person W was never allowed to talk to let alone date.

On the Science side of this ... months ago when she started seeing a new person to help with some physical ailments... this therapist is like a wellness/life coach person .... again ... MLCr looking for a fix to her happiness, anyways she siad that W had very high levels of Cortisol and she could tell this by the lines on W's back. Now reading up on this I am not sure one can see it by the lines in a back... however if you are not familiar with what it is its a hormone the body releases through the adrenal glands when the person is under stress, in W's case over the years this has been a frequent thing. Guess what the #1 negative effect of High Cortisol is ... yup .... Impaired Cognitive Performance. I happened upon a Ted Talk and he was discussin this, and things I have read on depression, MLC, and Cortisol ... it all made so much more sense ... this is the Fog, it also can explain the memory that seems to be so terrible .. even still is in my W's case. Thinking about this, its taken years for all this to reach levels where it physically is impacting W, and I would guess its going to take time for it to drop to a level that her head clears up because even now she will ask about something, then ask about it again minutes later like its a new question.

So ... thats about where W is, as far as me ... I have just been going through things, in the back of my mind I ask how much longer I have the strenght, patience and wisdom to stand as its obvious to me W is still about about W, as M suggests I do think she wants me around as a safety net, a security blanket, but its hard to be just considered a roomate with added benefits. I realized Sunday during a light-hearted moment that no one can replace what we have as far as a family ... remove me its not the same, conversely remove her its not the same either ... the 3 of us together are the only family each of us really ever has known ... gave me peace for that moment and maybe thats Gods way of nudging me to keep going. So thats what I am doing ... as the saying goes ... I may quit but it is not going to be today.

Another thing about MLC ... I may have read it here ... or elsewhere but it really struck a chord with me and may help a few of you as we have to realize its their journey, they must do the work on their own and their own pace and there is NOTHING we can do about that .. nor shoud we I leave you with this:

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If we go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

[tfish08]

^^^^ love this. thank you

[BrightFuture]

Cali, great post and the story about the butterfly! Great info about the depression and cortisol too, it makes so much sense. Stress does affect the memory and cognitive processes, I know this from my own experience.

I’m glad that you had a peaceful weekend, in spite of drinking STFU smoothies, LOL.

[bttrfly]

thx Cali - so true about butterflies ... and people!

My H has hypothyroidism and dangerously high TSH levels. Serious cognitive impairment. He finally switched doctors in late August to my doctor who immediately put him on a new med protocol. H was supposed to get a blood test mid October to see how new protocol is working. As of Thanksgiving week he had yet to go in. With careful monitoring it could still take a year or more for his TSH to reach normal levels. Blowing off blood tests will only delay that. His coast to coast travel and work stress only adds to the problem. On the one hand, it makes it easier for me to be compassionate. On the flip side, I wonder if I'm just using it as a convenient excuse to justify his behavior. Hard to know. I guess for me I don't want to kick someone when they're down, but hey - I'm not real willing to be the whipping post any more either. It's a tough place for sure, straddling that line between compassion for their very real physical issues and setting healthy boundaries for ourselves. Fwiw, I think you do a great job of it. You're a real power of example. Happy New Year xoxoxo

[CaliGuy]

bttrfly

Yeah, I think the more grounded I have become over the past several years ... most of this change for me admittedly has happened over the past 2 years, its been easier to see things and their effects as I am not so emotionally tied up in it all. In retrospect there is a large bucket of 'Shoulda-Woulda-Coula' but it has been said that true change can not happen without true suffering and I have come to believe this to be true.

W over the past few months has seemed desperate in finding solutions, being of the holistic approach things seem to take longer but in the long run I do think its a healthier approach ... however this forces me to put on those Patience-Pants that are like Crusty Corduroy's that are a bit to tight for my taste. The other night we were talking about this, she shared she really wants to get her hormones leveled out and find 'balance' ... not just 'that time of the month' (which historically has been legendary type stuff) ... but more on a day to day week to week basis. I STFU and listened to her almost sort things out verbally and she hit on it a touch, when she jumped off the traditional medical approach and started the holistic along with the very strict diet she changed. I have often referred to it like someone on drugs quitting cold turkey and going through withdrawals ... hindsight MLC was already warming up and this was a nice nudge tossing her deep in the tunnel.
She told me that "It was coming soon, and just hang in there with her" ... I joked and told her I know, I have been tracking Hurricane-PMS for years and according to the chart it was about 3-4 days out. Well .... the Hurricane hit land Monday night ... just a level 1-2. I have noticed its something small ... in this case was some clutter in S's room, then she will completely snap over dishes, laundry, any mess and out come Monster. I simply toss on the spew jacket and inform her she is free to discuss things out with me but I am not going to be mistreated. Last night she came home and I could tell just by the color in her face she was 'off' so I continued helping S with his lego set the Dog destroyed (Old blind lab tends to walk on these things often when left on the floor) ... W brought up some topic about work and the fact that I was listening but still helping S set her off, as she did not have my undivided attention she started spinning, this lead to her bringing up some R talk, same thing from a few weeks ago telling me her feelings have not changed (alluding to no spark/romance) and that she knows I am not happy in a sexless marriage, that I throw it in her face ... I truth darted and pointed out that since I realized bringing up the past had me stuck I have not gone there ... I did this very calmly and told her under the circumstances I did not feel an R talk was a good idea, I apologized for a flirty comment I had made that morning (she spewed about this) and told her I meant no harm was just playfully having fun and was sorry it obviously offended her. I then excused myself and left the bedroom. After seems S was the next target as he was forced into folding clothes (This was a new one ... he has never folded clothes) I was not there but evidently W told S that if he was living under her roof he would have to live under her rules ..... then she told him if he failed to do so ... No Santa and No Birthdays. Well ... obviously this will upset an 8 year old and somewhere deep inside her she realized she crossed the line and tried to talk it out with S who was having none of it. He came out with me ... I did not pry, he cuddled up and wanted me to just hold him and we watched 'our' show together. After I walked the dog and came back in, got S ready for bed, W was asleep sitting up in the bed, I quietly grabbed the pillows and put S down and slept on the couch.
This morning as I came back in from the morning dog walk and replaced the pillows on the bed, I thought W was still asleep ... she said "Good Morning", I laughed to myself as its like petting a rattlesnake sometimes .... I replied "Morning" then she asked if I was not talking to her, I asked if she wanted to talk realizing her tone was soft and more normal ... she then apologized as she confessed she can not help it, the hormones take over and she feels helpless. I brushed it off and lightened the mood ... talked to her about S's art project (He did a collage and named it "Butt-Itches" ... was a gorilla with a blonde wig .. pretty funny. I got ready as normal and went on about my day.


I think the old Cali would have easily been sucked into the Spew-Fest. I was happy staying calm and not getting worked up. I am at points really concerned about how nasty she can get, about how this effects S, I hope/pray she can see the damage she does with him but I know she can not see through the fog as clearly during these times as I would like. She is working through things still, I pray for enough strength, patience and wisdom to navigate myself through feeling at times I may have to let her go for good and allow her to be alone and figure out what she really wants/needs ... at times I feel like I am enabling her. At times I am torn between thinking I am strong by standing firm, or possible weak by not saying enough is enough and leaving her ... I am sure many people .. not the ones here .. just people looking in would all tell me I am better off without her, I am not sure but I just feel I am supposed to continue this as I have, hard to explain it which makes me ponder if I am in fact nuts for sticking this out for so long.

[job]

Cali,
You and only you will know if it's time to give up or continue as you have been. Don't allow others to sway you on deciding to toss in the towel. They haven't a clue as to what you have been dealing w/and until they walk in your shoes, take what they say w/a grain of salt.

Wishing you and your family a Happy New Year. May 2016 finally bring the answers you are seeking and help your w/finally complete her baking up and waking up to realize what a truly amazing man that she is married to.