And the best goes on . . . it's MLC so you never know whether you'll get a gong, a triangle, metal pots and pans or all of the above at once. You won't get a steady drum beat, that's for sure.
Sunday evening (day after h snapped at me at the bowling alley and ignored me afterwards) I was upstairs in my bedroom with one son when I heard h coming up. He hardly even comes upstairs anymore. He comes in with S10 and says he made 3 fruit drinks. (Ahh, so today I exist again!). He hands it to me. I say thank you.
Yesterday, I came home to an odd scene. H seemed to be a little boy and a very injured one at that. Backstory: we were supposed to go to a nearby mountain, where if it rains here, it snows there. The idea was the the kids could sled and the dog could see snow.
But h had sent me a text that it looked like there wasn't enough snow for sledding. We discussed going for snow on the ground but we kind of agreed that wasn't worth it. At least that's what I thought we agreed upon.
So yesterday, the kids are off from school. I work in the am and then in the afternoon I decide to get them out of the house. 1/2 hr later h texts are we going to the mountain. (He says he texted son too but he did not answer. He always covers himself that he is not just asking me! He is saying: this is for the kids, not us.) I text back that I thought we nixed that plan as there was no snow. I ask if he still wants to go and say we can be back in an hour or so. He says it will be too dark. I tell him the exact sunset time as it won't get be dark. He says no he checked the forecast and there won't be snow until later in the evening. He seems he is okay with all this.
Fast forward a few hours. We come home and h is in the living room, with his most recent MLC album blaring and the fire roaring. I can't help but think of Jack in The Shining.
He turns down the music and in a very injured way tells the kids that they stood him up. (He does not talk to me or look at me.) The kids are confused; they hug him hello. He says 3-4 more times to the kids that he was stood up! So I say kindly: didn't you say there was no snow until later? He says: they didn't know that. (I think: they also don't make the plans as they are 12 and 10, but okay.). I say: I thought we decided yesterday we were not going. He says no, we decided we were?!? I need a court stenographer in this house.
But I tell him it was a misunderstanding because I see a hurt little boy and also, I want my kids to know they didn't do anything wrong! I know this is projection from something in childhood. His father would stand him up so maybe this is the root? I do want to validate the little boy because I know he was not allowed to discuss his feelings.
I drop out of the conversation. He again says he was stood up-- again sounds like a very little kid. This is not the teenager I usually see. He packs up his stuff and says he's going "back to the cave." He has said this same phrase a few times over he last few days. He says it in a huff.
Then he comes out AGAIN and says with a chuckle: that the dog is upset because he wanted to go see snow! Projecting onto the dog again! So I smile and say: the dog is a big boy he can handle it!
My heart breaks for the little boy when he comes out. I've only seen him a handful of times but I want to scoop this one up and hug him. Job - if you're reading, how do I handle the little boy who is rejected? His mother was cold so I don't want to be that and as said, I want him to feel safe expressing emotion.
In other late breaking news, he made the wild rice last night! The kids and a I were watching a movie and he gave a play-by-play that was hilarious. Very loud: I think I'll make my wild rice tonight! (No one comments.). He starts the water, pours in the rice and starts cooking it. THEN he reads the instructions. He says: oh shoot! (Very grumpy every time he cooks -- LOL! ) He takes the rice pot off the stove and starts rinsing the rice. He puts the rice back in the pot. Then he reads the package again and screams: 45 minutes!
Oh my goodness! The little boy has come out. The next time that the little boy comes out to play, validate him. I would try to hug the hurt little boy, must as you would have when your son was little. He needs to know it's safe to come out and express his hurt and disappointment. If your h pulls away, then that's okay...but you need to find a way to validate that inner child.
Poor dog, he's getting projection big time this holiday. I had to chuckle when you told him that the dog was a big boy and could handle it.
As you travel this path, you will see a lot of different personalities come out to play. Don't be surprised if they bounce back and forth. It's all part of the process for him.
As for the rice. I am laughing because it's evident he didn't read the instructions first.
You are doing a wonderful job of dealing w/your man/child. It's tough living w/them under the same roof, but like I've pointed out before, keep the humor handy and always remember, it's him, not you that's having a personality melt down.
So, what's on the agenda today? More rice?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job - my instinct was to hug him. But I was kind of scared that he would bristle. He probably still will. But, boy is it super sad to see. It's sad to think of him being stood up, too.
We are supposed to go to a high school basketball tournament later today. And if I know him, just before he leaves for the day, he will make one more PA comment: don't stand me up. I may go over then, hug him and say we wouldn't stand him up.
As for whatever he'll be cooking I will for sure know. He is so over-the-top loud when he cooks. He is a total disaster in the kitchen. Like a spoof you would see in a movie. You know those movies where the guy is totally inept in the kitchen and you think: this is so fake, there's no one like this? Well, that's him!
He broke 3 blenders in about a 6 week span. This was weeks before BD and boy was he acting funny. The first: I was on a work call in the kitchen. He took his blender into his dorm room (though it wasn't yet his bedroom) and ran it in there?!? All of a sudden, as I am still on the phone, I hear him screaming. He had left a spoon in there and run it! The blender was plastic so chocolate splatters EVERYWHERE. He was making a chocolate shake.
The next one he bought was glass. But he left a spoon in again! I can't even remember how he broke the third one.
I am amazed this house is still standing.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh my! He really is back in time. All you can do is have compassion, faith and hope that he'll navigate his crisis and come out a more mature man.
I am giving you kudos for being so patient and understanding. I know that there are days when you could throttle him. You are not raising one son, but two right now.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yep - he said it again this morning! He asked the boys if they wanted to go to the tournament. They said yes. He asked me if I wanted to go. I gave my "safe, no expectations go-to answer": "if it's not an all boys' thing, then I would like to come. But if girls aren't allowed that is fine." Girls are allowed, so I can come.
Then he dropped the line (I knew he would!): "now don't stand me up."
I walked over and he thought I was going to walk past him. I went in for the hug and he opened his arm right up. His eyes were not injured. I gave a brief, solid hug and said: "no one is gong to stand you up. It was a misunderstanding." (I gave him the "there-there it'll be all right" just as I would give one of my sons.
My oh my, did he he did look surprised!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hawho, something must happen when they are in the kitchen! Your story reminds me of my own. On Christmas, when my H was here, we decided to try the coffee I had gotten him. I have a keurig and realized after trying to brew a cup, the grounds were way too fine, so it would not work. H came over and started messing with it, would not work. So he pronounced he would make cowboy coffee! Instead of just using my regular ground coffee that works....
He pulled down the ancient coffee maker from the cupboard, used different parts of it along with different utensils, dug through other cupboards to find the filters....stuff was everywhere along with all kinds of commotion and it took him about 20 minutes to make this cup of coffee. It too was like watching something in a movie. He also kept insisting my pump was broken on my keyring when in fact, it works just fine, it was the coffee grounds.
They make something so simple so difficult! It's amusing yet a bit disturbing at times
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Mleigh- Laughing out loud at the idea of cowboy coffee.
I see in this coffee fiasco what Job says: not too far below the surface they are looking for all that praise they lacked as kids. And I think they will go to crazy and great lengths to get it. Your h particularly seems to like to rescue the damsel in distress. (I think of the woman on the side of the road. My h would've sped past her and probably accidentally sprayed her with mud--LOL!). In this instance your h was even willing to force you into the role of damsel in distress so that he had someone to rescue. Too funny!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm so glad you gave him a hug. I'm sure he was surprised, but deep down, he was one happy and pleased little boy.
Listening and observing really are the tools that will help you better understand him. I know, he's a grown man, but that inner child does come out to play periodically. It's good he knows that you will not "stomp" on those feelings.
As for the kitchen incidents, maybe their mothers didn't do a lot in the kitchen and they had to learn to fend for themselves or they look at the kitchen as a science lab to try different things...but the question comes to mind...are you "mom" left to clean up or does your "son" clean up too?
Humor makes things a little easier for you because you have stepped back far enough to realize what's going on. Yes, he's going to say some things that annoy you, but consider the source/age and continue moving forward. You are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - to answer you, my h has learned to clean up after himself in the kitchen. He was a latchkey kid in all the wrong ways. He was left alone for too long when he was too young. I suspect he just left messes for his mom to clean up. I don't think she bothered teaching him much in the kitchen. Actually, she didn't teach him much in general.
He does have a strange relationship with the kitchen and I know I can lasso that issue right to his mother. When my kids were young, I swear, he saw what a true mother is and somewhere along the line he regressed to wanting that same care. I remember on multiple occasions saying we needed to co-parent not have him be a third kid. One very good thing is he is re-learning to take care of himself in the kitchen and elsewhere. Literally, I think he is growing up right with the kids.
Job - he is bouncing around quite a bit. Last night he came home and I was upstairs. I couldn't hear what he was saying to the kids but his cadence and pace of his speech was like old h. Have not seen this guy in a long time.
This morning he came out of his dorm room and again was back to sounding like his old self as far as the tempo of his speech.
In the last few days the kids have had some interesting observations. H went to grab his jacket on Sunday and S10 said: "NOW where are you going?" H answered "errands" and said jokingly "is that okay with you?" S10 knows h has been all over the map. I probably should have installed a revolving door long ago.
Even more uncomfortable was what happened last night. After dinner h grabbed his coat and this time S12 asked: "where are YOU going?" H: "out w/single, gross Viagra taking 50 friend (okay he didn't actually say that), be back in a few hours. I am just down the road if you need me." S12: "Don't lie." H: "Never. I'll be down the road, call if you need anything."
I say "bye" but think: really?!? He is catching a drink with that guy?!? Great. I thought he was all done with that loser. And of course, I know he has lied to me while in MLC. So much for "never."
When he comes home he is boisterous like he used to be.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
