Moving Ahead - In the UK - Huddy (pt16)

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. Bitc@hes be crazy !!!!!!! She didn't want you anymore. It wasn't in her script that Huddy would get through the pain and move forward !!!!

How dare you accept Ws choice and be ok. That's not on.


Just my pennies worth buddy but you are in the driving seat and have control

Keep on been the best Huddy you can and let W live her life. This story is far from over and it can only get better

W is feeling loss and , for me , you are been perfect. Dealing with W with respect and care yet detached from her actions. I know you still analyse , as we all do , but at the same time you are controlling yourself.

Your journey is a lesson to everyone and while I encourage you to have no expectations ,, I see promise in your sitch.

Take care mate. Rd

[sandi2]

Some WW's will increase the texting as a way of keeping up with what the H is doing, or they find a sly way to manipulate his time and energy. Then there are some who just act like an entitled princess who expects the H to drop everything to pay attention to her every whelm.

[Huddy]

Hi Rd

Yes, I am in the driving seat. I'm choosing where I go, what I do, what I wear etc. and that does feel good. You remember the mess I was in, in the summer, and thanks to you and NDY (amongst others) I re-doubled efforts and have moved forward. I can imagine my W, in her temporary accommodation, didn't imagine it like this, wishing I was a crumbling wreck begging for her to to return. Well that time passed a long time ago.

Hi sandi2

I will have to watch the manipulation thing. Yesterday she was telling me how she was going to have to put a blind up in her temporary bathroom, as the neighbours can see right in. She's borrowed my drill and said 'it's so hard to do'. So, I could have said 'I'll do it', but I didn't. If she'd have asked, then I might have done it, but it was all supposition.

I'm taking the kids on a big ferris wheel soon. I didn't know if it would be rude not to invite W? By the way, neither of us bought gifts for each other on Christmas Day. That felt a bit weird.

[Rouky]

I didn't buy a gift for my H for Xmas as he sacked me as his wife. I spent all of it on my kids, and they had a great time opening their presents.

[Ancaire]

Huddy - you are acting perfectly! I am so very pleased you did not offer to hang the blinds for her. As a female, I can verify your suspicion that she was hoping for an offer. Good for you to not break down and do it!

You are pleasant, kind, and helpful...you're just moving on. It's probably driving her absolutely insane! Now she's texting and coming around? I believe that you are correct in imagining that the reality is very different than W's daydream about how all this D was going to play out. LOL

I think you're in for a wait yet - but she hasn't dropped the rope holding you, for sure! I'm using you for inspiration. I've fought, I've begged, I've pleaded. Now I'm just letting it happen, while taking care of myself to the best of my ability. Lo and behold, something is changing in H!

Not sure what it is, exactly, he's kinder, more patient...something is truly different. Maybe guilt is kicking in? Who knows? All I know for certain at this point, is that I won't go back to what we had. No matter how long it takes, I'm just going to keep working on becoming the best version of myself I can, while he's off flitting about searching for his "happiness".

I won't relent or back down in any way until the day he shows up with true remorse, and is willing to do whatever I want to make our next M a success. I'll insist on MC. Wow. That's really hard. LOL

Truly, he's done some truly awful things that will have to be discussed at some point if we're ever going to be together again. I don't think it's safe to talk about those things without a MC present. Too much emotional trauma to deal with; to attempt to address it without a counselor present would be a disaster.

Have you thought about what you would require if your W were to suddenly have a change of heart? What will she need to do in order to prove she's serious? Knowing that this always takes way longer than we want it to, what are you going to be working on in the meantime?

[Huddy]

Hi Ancaire

I hope any inspiration I have given you is worthwhile.

I think if W wanted to return, the first thing I would require would for it to be on my terms. That would be on the basis that she got some professional help - counselling and the like. I'm a very forgiving person, but I don't think anything would be gained by allowing W to walk back in to my life and I just shrug it off and ask no questions. I think, judging by my parents experience, would lead to further resentment and just lead to problems in later life.

In addition, I would want her to say sorry. It sounds simple, but my W has never been able to admit she was wrong. Saying sorry doesn't come naturally to her and this would be a big step for her.

[inpain]

Hi Huddy

I haven't posted on your thread before so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way, but I have pieced my M back together before 9 years ago using the DR book and this website (I'm back here again now but that doesn't alter what I know about piecing).

I see some major no-nos in your last post if you do want to piece a R with your wife, that's all.

I think if W wanted to return, the first thing I would require would for it to be on my terms.

You cannot expect it all to be on your terms. Regardless of how hurt you feel and what W has done wrong, there are things she obviously thought were wrong that you did too. To piece successfully you would have to do the other steps in DR book, like acting as if etc before the "asking for what you want" step. I'm just worried that if you took this stance if you got the holy grail of your W wanting back into a R with you, you would blow it all at the first hurdle. Yes, your wife would need to get professional help etc but perhaps this should be eased into gently once things are on a bit more of an even keel rather than demanding they happen as soon as she says she wants back into the R. Doing that will just make her think there is no point trying and off she'll go again. If you re read the "Asking for what you want" chapter of DR it specifies when and how to do this.

In addition, I would want her to say sorry. It sounds simple, but my W has never been able to admit she was wrong. Saying sorry doesn't come naturally to her and this would be a big step for her.

Again, this comes after quite a few months of piecing (in my experience). You have to put aside your need for the WAS to apologise until things are better. They know they did wrong and hurt you, you know it too. If you pieced together, and if she is anything like my H, she will apologise months down the line when things are better and it will be accompanied with "I can't believe I behaved like that/did that to you, I'm so sorry."

Hope this doesn't come across wrong, just that I read how your wife has started to soften and wish so much this was me and my H was softening, then I read your last post and thought, "NO! Please don't blow it now!"

Anyway, good luck. I'm in the UK too btw.

[roist]

I was going to make similar points but I'll bow to the voice of experience.

I just wanted to add, that IF W does repent and want back, I would not respond immediately. I'd get back to her about it. That will show her you are not just waiting for her, plus you can come here for tips.

But that could be a long time away if ever. I just wanted to say it just in case.

I suppose all of us on this site don't think the same way as WAS, but if I wanted out, I too would not want to be around the lbs.Don't try to figure it out. Maybe she wants to minimise fallout so no consequences.Maybe it is the Christmas spirit forcing her. Maybe she likes your flat. And yes maybe she wants huddy time. There are hundreds of possible reasons. And not all are positive.

I say that to keep your hopes and expectations low.

[isittoolate]

In my sitch I've written a list of what was wrong in MR 1.5 and what I would want to change in MR 2.0

The old MR is dead ....I hope to resurrect a MR 2.0 from the ashes but W would not get to dictate the shape or form of that. W did that last time we R 4 years ago ..... I got a list from her. I messed up believing if I fixed me the MR would be good.

If there is a next time I want a new dynamic, an even, balanced partnership.

[Huddy]

Thanks inpain. It's difficult not to slip in to 'friends' territory. I will take your advice on board and have a re-think. It might never happen, but again, today, her tact has changed in eight hours.

I went to pick D up to go and see Star Wars/have food etc. and the other 'residents' of her block have been leaving their rubbish in the communal staircase and it stinks. W was grumpy when I went round. Fast forward to when she comes to drop off my S for the night and she is the pinnacle of good humour and niceness. Asking questions again about the flat and the area we now live in.

Onwards.