no clue where Wife is, cant see past the FOG

[123Gwen]

Irish M - You've had some great advice. I read these folks all the time because they have taken the high road and have been on the road longer. Both a blessing and a burden.

My D's did not text or call their father on Christmas. H did not text or call them either. As a parent and adult I would ALWAYS reach out on Christmas. H sent the card and gift cards last week but D's wanted their Dad. Within 18 months he has destroyed his relationship with his children. I have remained neutral but they are old enough to handle logistics on their own. H has not asked to see them and now lives 3000 miles away. If he ever has a relationship with them it will probably be in the distant future.

H's present actions are making it easier for me to detach and focus on other things. I also dream of the man I married. This man would be adamant I stay away from present day H. I know this down deep in my soul. He would tell me to take care of the girls and let him go. He was smart and kind and he did exist.

Hang in there. You are a good Dad and you are working through some tough stuff.

[Irish M]

Thanks for the replies and support .
MLeigh, I too am following you. Always appreciate your encouragement.
You are an amazing parent as well. We regret nothing :-)

Peace, I think they can come back better than before if they are strong enough and want it. Love is powerful and I believe in her. Those 2 things alone are a winning chance. With that said I'd probably have more of a chance winning the lotorie.

AJ
Love reading what you have to say. Your input is so valuable. I read your comments on many of the stories here. God bless you.
New Years eve . Party at my place. More for the D's and their friends.
I'm going out with a friend the night before and I have something planned for Saturday. Hope you have plans :-)

[Irish M]

UPDATE

As you know I felt bad about the D's exploding on the phone with W the other day.

I emailed her ( I know I know) . I just apologized for the way the girls acted on the phone and the things they said. We didn't raise our girls to treat us or anyone else this way. They needed to vent.

I never expected a reply. I did it for me to feel good. My D's are hurting, they needed it. I also was worried W would be pushed back further.

I got a reply today. A heart felt reply.
She said.
I understand they are angry for what I did. I live with this choice everyday. I hope one day they can forgive me.
I'm sorry for breaking up the family and the couple. I really lost a lot with my choice it's all my fault. I lost more than I ever thought.
She finishes by saying have a happy new year to me and the girls.
Also says she misses my parents a lot too. ( she was closer to my parents than her own, first time she brings them up)

Question I have. What do I do? Leave it as is.
I am not taking it as a crack in her happiness. She recently changed her status to in a relationship with OM on the 21st, right after the girls gave it to her on the phone. Before that there was no mention of OM on FB. So I don't think she is really hurting from the loss of her family. Her choice is still to stay there.

Do I write back ... Or just leave it?

[job]

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't respond back. She needs time to reflect on what she's done and has written.

[mleigh4]

I agree with Job. She had a moment of clarity, that she shared with you. From what I have seen from other posts, that comes and goes before it actually sticks! Let her keep processing it all in her own space.

Respond here instead if you want. What would you say back?

[LouR]

Personally I would not reply. She did not ask any questions, it was more a statement of her thoughts.

"I live with this choice everyday" I have heard that from my h many times over. He tells me it was about the guilt for the pain he has caused me and our s's, not regret from the decision he made. Be careful not to read anything into what she writes to you (a trap I fell in to), it tends to be ramblings from the thoughts that are currently whirring around their head while they try to make sense of it, it will change as she processes, sometimes good stuff and sometimes not so nice, its all part of the process and you are her "safe" person to let it out to.

As for hurting from the loss of her family - yep she most probably is, just not admitting it to herself yet, om is being used as avoidance of facing it, it will catch up with her.

[bttrfly]

I would take the advice offered here: try not to read into it; try to stay as detached as possible.

That said, here I am reading into it: people often post things on FB to make it seem like their life is something it is not. No way to know if that is true for your wife; one thing for sure: she's gotta go through the MLC easybake oven before she will be fit for civilized society again. If you looked at my FB page, you wouldn't be able to tell something is up with me and H. H still has me listed as his wife. I check just about daily to see if he's changed it. Who knows what goes through the minds of these folks?

Hang in there ! We are all here for you xoxoxo

[mirage]

Irish,

Your daughter's are protecting themselves, standing up for what they believe. You may think it harsh from their end but put yourself in their shoes. They feel they have lost a mother and at this moment in time not a very good one.

Your job is them. If you think their is something teachable then by all means. Learning tools in dealing with people, family or otherwise is a great thing.

I think you need to ask yourself why you reached out to her....I mean really. You get an answer back.....but who knows when dealing with MLC, what is real and what is not.

This is her journey. She needs to feel the sting of her choices and decide what type of person she wants to be. So far I think we all know where that is right now.

Time to go quiet.

Mirage

[Irish M]

5 on 5 vote to no contact. I won't argue with that.
Love all the feedback. Each one I read twice and it's like you all complimented each other's point of view. Message from you all is loud and clear.

I agree also. She still needs to go through so much still.

I'll continue loving my D's and focusing on me and them.

This was probably a bad day for her, a small pocket of clarity in her mind.Who knows.

Cheers everyone

[Irish M]

Hi Mirage

I reread your comment this morning.

Yes my D's have to deal with this their way.
I let them and I know inneed to not dwell on it too much. it does break my heart so very much.

As for your question on why I reached out to her. That's the old Irish shinning through. Fixing relationship and disputes. I always am the center for a lot of people. I manage 3 offices and deal with different types of people and issues on a daily basis. It's my talent and gift.

I want to so fix my D's and their mom. I know I cant. I Just had a sliver of weakness during the holiday season.

Today, I'm back up where i need to be. Outside this morning with my girls, we had a huge snow storm last night so we decided to have an awesome snow fight. I had a ski mask on and became ninja dad. D's laughed so hard. Well needed.

Thanks again to you all for the added strength you give me. I hope to one day to repay this support to some of you and newbies that find this site.

God bless