Per forum rules, I'm starting a new thread. I'm not sure what to say in this first post exactly, so I'm just going to talk about what I need to do.
I need to read and re-read the book, and the rules. I need to GAL. And I need to detach, go dark, separate, give space, move on and be my own man. Stop being a doormat. Stop allowing myself to be Plan B.
So far, I have failed miserably and pursued my WW with reckless abandon.
Time for that stop.
Last edited by Bfice3; 12/27/1511:59 PM.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
We all do it, B. I'm guessing from my experience, as well as what I'm reading on here, that it takes practice. I'm 4 mos in and still fighting the urge to call, even though it backfires every time.
Stay strong!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm a little unclear. What exactly is in 10 weeks?
As for your list of things to do, if you still want to reconcile, then why do you say you need to move on? Just set goals for what you want to accomplish and then try to do it. You don't need to end your desire to R with your wife to do that.
Per forum rules, I'm starting a new thread. I'm not sure what to say in this first post exactly, so I'm just going to talk about what I need to do.
I need to read and re-read the book, and the rules. I need to GAL. And I need to detach, go dark, separate, give space, move on and be my own man. Stop being a doormat. Stop allowing myself to be Plan B.
So far, I have failed miserably and pursued my WW with reckless abandon.
Time for that stop.
It depends on your goals what you should do. If you want to ensure your marriage is over then keep pursuing your WW. If you want a chance of saving the marriage then 180, and hard. Don't talk about detaching and doing GAL activities. Do it.
I was reading those last few post on the previous thread. I'm sure you are not the first newcomer to get upset at those of us who cut through the usual buildup that we see in the majority of first threads....and we just lay it out and tell him what is really going on. It's comparable to a doctor giving a patient a devastating diagnosis. Some patients react by no longer going back to that doctor. So, we understand that it is not something a LBH wants to believe.
Quote:
I need to read and re-read the book, and the rules. I need to GAL. And I need to detach, go dark, separate, give space, move on and be my own man. Stop being a doormat. Stop allowing myself to be Plan B.
Can you take these things you say you need to do, and actually incorporate them into a self-improvement plan for this brand new year coming in a few days? When I read the above quote, somehow I imagined your face looking a little gloom, b/c it does not sound like a lot of fun. Plus, you gave it the name of bootcamp. I believe you could take these and challenge yourself in a way that would be positive and even promote a healthier self-esteem. Seems to me, a person going to bootcamp would come through a lot better if he goes into it with a positive mental attitude. So, I hope you can have the same, and we are here to cheer you on.
For example, be your own man. You have the opportunity right now to do what YOU want to do, without answering or giving an account to another adult. You don't have to check in with anyone, or make sure it's okay with them if you want to go do something. This may your only time that you'll ever have where you are free to live this way. So, how can you make the most of being a free agent?
I keep remembering when my H came home from military bootcamp. He was in the best shape of his life, had a great mental attitude, and acted like his own man. He was not dependent on his parents to make his decisions. Bootcamp proved to make very positive changes in him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Plus, you gave it the name of bootcamp. I believe you could take these and challenge yourself in a way that would be positive and even promote a healthier self-esteem.
Just for the record the bootcamp idea came from here.
Sgc set up mentors in a boocamp setting and Mach linked one of the threads to "B" in thread #1.
I think it is a great idea and am glad that sandi will be cheering you on.
The 10 week boot camp is what I have been through since October 11.
I don't know how much, if any at all, I can trust my WW anymore.
So, the first post wasn't meant to sound gloomy, it was just a reaffirmation of what I need to do for myself.
When I say moving on, I don't necessarily mean to exclude the possibility of a future R with WW, but at this point I have to act (at least in my head) as though it's not going to happen.
I will be civil to the wife when I have to see her because of the kids, but that's as far as I will go. At least for now...hell...at this point I just need to make it through today without contacting her. One day at a time.
I can re-evaluate anything regarding her later, if and when, she ever decides she wants to try.
Right?
This is all about me now. Moving forward to my own happiness regardless.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
So. I'm going with a different type of post tonight. This is what B did today. And, its weird, I don't know what's making me feel this way, but I'm feeling happy, joyous and free tonight. (Though, I kinda think I know why.)
Got up this morning, and walked over to the apt manager's office and got some information on a bigger apartment for me and my kids.
Then I sat with this girl who shows the apartments and we talked for a while. She told me she is already way too invested in my story. (I had bought this book called 'The Garden of Peace' and I was going to give it to my wife for Christmas, but I ended up giving it to this girl instead on the day before Christmas Eve.) So, we talked, and she told me I should try learning a new language. And she gave me some pointers on how to approach my OkCupid profile, and she suggested that I try 'MeetUp' and 'Tinder', so guess what? I did.
I took a picture of myself and updated my facebook profile and I've gotten 12 likes on it, and a 'Still Handsome' comment from a girl I new back in high school.
Then I used that same picture for my Tinder account and I've gotten 5 matches just this afternoon and started chats with 2 different women. 1 is about my age, and 1 seems to be a bit younger.
Now...understand, I don't think I'm ready, or intend to be in any kind of a relationship right now. But, I'm following up on an idea I got from TxHubby, and frankly, you know what...it feels good! I'm going to be honest with anyone I speak to.
But guess what I didn't do today?
I didn't pursue my WW. I didn't contact my WW.
So, good for B, right? I feel good tonight anyway, like actually happy.
Oh yeah, and per my sponsor's request/demand from yesterday, I made a list tonight of 101 things I am grateful for.
So, yeah, in general...its been a pretty great day. I mean, most people would consider it mundane and boring, lol. But for me, based on how my past 10 weeks have been, today was freakin' awesome.
Just thought I would share.
I hope everyone else is doing well.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
I believe you could take these and challenge yourself in a way that would be positive and even promote a healthier self-esteem. Seems to me, a person going to bootcamp would come through a lot better if he goes into it with a positive mental attitude. So, I hope you can have the same, and we are here to cheer you on.