Hi focus22. It sounds like you are starting to get some clarity about your marriage. It's painful when we learn that the reality becomes clear in that how we saw a person was untrue. It is probably where the saying "love is blind" comes from. You will reach the conclusion that the behavior of your husband has nothing to do with you and is totally something that he has created in his mind. He must however travel this path and until it runs it's course he will be trapped in the fog. Your job is to make sure that you get out of the way of the train wreck. While you will be injured by the accident you will survive and you will be more wise and skillful going forward.
Thinking of you and wishing you a Merry Christmas. Keep up with GAL and keep us all informed of all of your fun activities!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Kinda surprised by this, but I got a text from my H on Christmas eve.
He said he wasn't trying to put the onus on me to start a conversation, but wanted to know how I was doing. He was asking what I was doing for Christmas, and told me he was going to his parent's house for some turkey and board games. He signed off with 'Have a good day x'/
It seemed quite friendly in tone...totally different from his last text (exactly one month before).
I haven't replied. I'm thinking of waiting until a bit after the new year. I don't know what to say though. Keep it short is my instinct.
Hi focus22. It sounds like you are starting to get some clarity about your marriage. It's painful when we learn that the reality becomes clear in that how we saw a person was untrue. It is probably where the saying "love is blind" comes from. You will reach the conclusion that the behavior of your husband has nothing to do with you and is totally something that he has created in his mind. He must however travel this path and until it runs it's course he will be trapped in the fog. Your job is to make sure that you get out of the way of the train wreck. While you will be injured by the accident you will survive and you will be more wise and skillful going forward.
Thinking of you and wishing you a Merry Christmas. Keep up with GAL and keep us all informed of all of your fun activities!
Thank you shotgun.
I'm starting to be able to stand further and further back from everything (my whole life as well, not just my M) thanks to an absolutely amazing counsellor.
I understand now that I've been (and still am) very clearly attracted to a bit of the bad boy thing - that's my adrenaline rush *sigh*
I understand where it comes from as well now, thanks to my counsellor.
Ultimately it's about me, this kind of attraction, and not about the actual men I might like.
And that's for me to deal with, myself.
My homework for my counsellor is to make a storyboard filled with all the things I want in my life for myself. I need to make time to do this, think very deeply about it and enjoy doing this. It's going to be a very important thing.
Hope you had a good Christmas and are enjoying the festive season x
Focus - I like your homework, and I'm going to borrow it for myself. I have no idea what I want in life, other than for it to stop, so I can not be in pain any longer.
I'm smart enough to realize that attitude is going to wind up causing me a great deal of harm. I don't really know what I want to do in life. I've just been existing for so many years. To actually live it? It's a frightening prospect.
However, I think if I take the time to dream a little, I might be able to come up with a plan for where to go, and what to do next. Thanks for sharing your counselors advice. That was pure gold to me!
Kinda surprised by this, but I got a text from my H on Christmas eve.
He said he wasn't trying to put the onus on me to start a conversation, but wanted to know how I was doing. He was asking what I was doing for Christmas, and told me he was going to his parent's house for some turkey and board games. He signed off with 'Have a good day x'.
It seemed quite friendly in tone...totally different from his last text (exactly one month before).
I haven't replied. I'm thinking of waiting until a bit after the new year. I don't know what to say though. Keep it short is my instinct.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I could answer this?
Should I go with just 'I'm doing great, thanks'? And leave it at that?
Hi Focus, I think it's fine to respond now - ie: a few days later. I would go for something along these lines:
Hi H - thanks for the Xmas wishes. Yes, I had a great time - hope you enjoyed yours & have a happy new year
Interesting that he was reaching out at Xmas. My H did that last new year and I was surprised. I would just keep the response minimal and pleasant as above and keep moving forward. If he wants to be in touch again, he will be...
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Focus - It really depends on what you want to do. Do you want to talk with him? Find out how he's doing?
Text him back. If you're end goal is the R the M, then it won't hurt anything to contact him back and keep it short, friendly, with no R talk. That's a good way to re-establish pleasant dialogue.
If you want him to have to try harder, respond with the text that you proposed. It lets him know you got his text, and you answered him. The rest is up to him.
The biggest thing in DB is to NOT pursue. Either of those options will be fine. If you're happy with the R ending, then just don't respond at all.
