I'm moving here! I don't feel comfortable among the newcomers. I remember how I didn't like reading about people who were over a year into their S with little or no hope of R. I wanted hope and didn't care for those who had lost it. That's how I started collecting success stories, by the way. I still think DB is the best course of action for those who want to R. It jives with all that I read about relationships and attraction.
The discussions about co-dependency pretty much went over my head in the early days of DB and I never read the book. But I just had a dating experience where I got invested way too much too soon and I wanted to fix the other person. It didn't go over well. I realize that this is one of my patterns and I've ordered the book after all. It also fits with my resolution, at BD, to read one book per year on relationships. One of my biggest regrets is never to have tried to "learn" about being in a relationship before my WW left.
So, if you're looking for me. I'll be here!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The best book I read post-D was How to be an Adult in Relationships. Highly recommended. Also the Five Love Languafes by Chapman. For a few years after my divorce I kept ending up with men who were unavailable for one reason or another (all lovely men, don't get me wrong, just not able to be full partners). It took me a while to realize that I was choosing them because it was ME that wasn't ready for a real relationship yet. Once I was finally ready to take that leap, the right guy appeared.
Take your time, don't introduce your kids, remember that dating is about a process to find out IF you're a match....not everyone will be. Don't rush it.
Hello Mozza, I just wanted to welcome you to this new area of the forum. I get what you are saying about newcomers & I also came to feel it wasn't the right place for me any more. I post in the MLC part of the forum now.
It sounds as though you are doing pretty well my friend, and good that you realised about your own approach WRT this recent relationship. Thanks for the book recommendations too guys...I will add those to my list.
Hope you had a good Xmas Mozza, and that you have some nice plans for y=the new year xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The discussions about co-dependency pretty much went over my head in the early days of DB and I never read the book. But I just had a dating experience where I got invested way too much too soon and I wanted to fix the other person. It didn't go over well. I realize that this is one of my patterns and I've ordered the book after all. It also fits with my resolution, at BD, to read one book per year on relationships.
Yup some of us took way longer to figure that out so you are really ahead of the curve IMHO.
I think we need to fix ourselves before we can be ready to figure out how to move forward.
Remember - Love is a Choice.
I think that has helped me the most in a new relationship.
For a few years after my divorce I kept ending up with men who were unavailable for one reason or another (all lovely men, don't get me wrong, just not able to be full partners). It took me a while to realize that I was choosing them because it was ME that wasn't ready for a real relationship yet.
kml, thanks for this. I'm starting to move away from New Guy and this was really helpful. I'm NOT ready for a real relationship yet -- I don't want the responsibility of another person -- but I am interested in exploring a little bit of closeness. Is there a happy medium where that can happen?
Good to see you hear Mozza and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks kml, Sotto, Cadet, Maybell and SunnyB for the welcome! Looking forward to some cake (friendship and advice).
New Year's Eve is a big deal in my mother's family since before I was born. No one skips this party. We catch up, eat, toast, laugh, play and sing - a lot of singing. Last year, three months post-BD, I did not sing a single note. I couldn't. I went to a separate room to cry a few times. This year, I played guitar for at least 5 hours total, singing my heart out. It was one of the best NYE's in years for me.
This is what I mean by "Mozza's success story".
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm guessing that most people will find their own way out of the misery of S. I trust that almost everyone here is searching for it. But I thought I'd share briefly what I consider to be the top factors in taking me to this good place where I am now.
1. DBing | Looking back, I'm amazed at how much of my behaviour has been informed by DB. The restraint I showed with WW, the focus on getting better and busy, etc. If ever you doubt that DB is the path back into your M, remember that it's your best path out of this hell anyway.
2. Reading about relationships | The books (5 love languages, Models, NMMNG, DR obviously....) have given me a new perspective on relationships and me. Some of their teachings are part of my core now. I wish I knew lot of this earlier.
3. Therapy | Related to #2. I've been going for 15 months and I will continue. It informs my vision of life and myself. I'm surprised at how much it comes up in conversations and private thoughts.
4. Dating | It has put in perspective the absence of WW and even my R with her. It has helped me to see that I don't "need" her, even though I wanted her for a long time. It has shown me options and certainly given me some exciting GAL.
5. Cutting off WW | When I look at sitches with stay-in separations or with constant contacts, I see how difficult it is. Not seeing or talking much to WW has made the memories of her, of us, recede gradually. There's less to miss, less material to fret over ("why did she do that? what did she mean? what should I say?")
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I've finally met someone I want to hang on to. It's only been a month, so I'm not saying she's definitely Ms Mozza, but it's the first time since I started dating that I feel ready to commit to someone. I'm glad I dated before because I can tell the difference between wanting to be with anyone and wanting to be with her. It's the first time I feel I don't have to make any compromise: she's my type, she's interesting, she shows clear interest in me.
The main word I use to describe her is "balanced". She seems to have her life together and be comfortable in her own skin. It's reflected in all spheres of her life, and obviously in how she approaches our relationship. She sets the pace and takes her time. She doesn't need to be reassured all the time about how I feel, how she looks, etc. I tell her I like this or that about her and she'll say "Thank you!" Sometimes she'll agree that it's nice, that she likes it too. She's interested in me, she shows several signs, be it touching me or reaching out.
In fact, I'm a bit weirded out by it because with WW I had developed a pattern of going after needy girls with a problem. WW couldn't trust men and I was happy to be trustworthy. I could see why WW needed me. Now, GF is so balanced that I don't see the problem to which I'd be the solution. My IC says that "relationships are symptoms", meaning that they reflect our mental state. So if I found someone balanced, it's a pretty good sign. I'm making efforts not to let my demons tell me that she's too good for me, that she'll find someone better balanced, that she'll find me lacking, etc. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that she likes me, that all is good and to enjoy it while it happens.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
