Time to make changes

[job]

No need to apologize. I wanted to make sure you knew so that you weren't put back on moderation for something you weren't aware of.

[joss]

I've been AWOL for a couple of months. I've not been in a good place, actually. But I think I need to get back on track.

UPDATES
H and I are still separated (4 months now) and we rarely speak, other that about the kids.I think that is more down to me. I have shut him out. I have been so hurt that I have completely pushed him away from me.This obviously doesn't help us move forward at all. I get the feeling that I am going about things in the completely wrong way after reading reading CaliGuy's thread from the beginning.

I would like some advice on how to re-open communication with him. He is giving me the impression that he wants to remain friends (he asks me to go to his new house for tea with the kids, and he is always offering his help with my business), but knowing he has OW has always put me completely off that (cake eating).

A few weeks ago he moved into a nearby apartment (300m away from our home) which has worked out very well.The children can go to his house whenever they like (he has given me times for them to go round).He has asked me a couple of times to come over with the children to eat with him but I have always declined. I get too hurt in his company, and being in his new place I don't think I:d be comfortable over there. I don't know if this is a good move or not (not being able to go over to eat with them), or whether I am pushing him further and further away from me??? Can anyone help me with this?

In an interaction with him a couple of weeks ago he mentioned to me that I don't listen to him, and that I always think I 'know' the answer to everything. I think he was alluding to his affair, that I think I know the reason for it. He is correct. He has told me all along that she wasn't 'the one', that he didn't love her and that she was just a symptom of his problems. But I didn't believe him. I was unable to listen. It is difficult to know how much to believe.

I need to know if I should ask him directly about this (me not listening): to ask him to expand on it to find out what he means in more depth? I am quite happy to email him to ask him (the least emotional route to finding out). Or should I wait to see him and ask him in person?

Last week I noticed he had joined an online dating site (I found out as he accidentally put the names and times of 2 of his dates for last Sunday in our 'joint' gmail calendar (containing details of our commitments with the kids). I immediately deleted his calendar from mine as I don't want to know the ins and outs of his dating regime. Because I don't talk/communicate with him at all these days he is searching for a connection in another (again). I know he doesn't' want to get divorced and he has told me he'd like to make things work with me (but he doesnt' know how) but it is obvious that I am not helping him come to me.

I am just about to start DB and have ordered DR to help me along, but some concrete advice would be really helpful at this time.

Thank you in advance. Joss

[sgctxok]

Hi Joss -

Really nice job in realizing that you don't listen to him sometimes. Active listening is a really very hard thing to do, especially when you're hurt, going through crisis, etc.

But now y can change it. Don't announce it, just start doing it. Instead of thinking about your reply or what you are hurt about, just listen. And if it is upsetting or you need time, just say that you want to really take some time to think about what he's said, that you really want to understand.


Michele's veery best technique is Real Giving. Active listening is one of those things that fall under real giving. You don't lose anything in doing so, either.

You did something right

[joss]

Thanks sgctxok. It sometimes takes a lot of space to notice the things you do wrong.

Can you tell me where I can find more info the Real Giving/Active listening. I:ve just looked in the books but can't find anything there. I definately need to do some work on that area.

Thanks in advance, and Happy (belated) Christmas!

[sgctxok]

No kidding.
I'll look it up and post it.

[sgctxok]

It's in Divorce Remedy on pages 53-54 in the paperback. It's in the chapter 'Start with a Beginner's Mind.' It's a small section, but very important.

I think it may be talked about in Keeping Love Alive as well. I need to listen again .

[joss]

Wow, sgctxok. thanks for your prompt reply. Got it. Much appreciated. x

[sgctxok]

You're welcome! I just happened to be in the area

sg

[peacetoday]

Joss

try to keep expectations low
if you want to become friends and work on some changes do them for you
He will notice,,and its a place to start
but it will most likely take time especially if it is a real MLC
The changes you make will be part of you forever, so if you have not been a great listener you can practice validating him

but also have your own life gal
work on finding new activities
try to not focus it all on him

if the new behavior brings him closer great
but if he is continuing to date online, you may want to also allow him to know what his life will be like without you
he can't have it both ways
but In my opinion its a start to see if anything will move in direction of reconciliation ..if not you can always change behavior again
good luck

[joss]

Thanks for your input peacetoday.

I don't think I can be 'just' friends with him. I'd like to be able to, but I guess I'm not 'big' enough. I'm too hurt.
I have no idea how to get beyond the hurt.

I have been looking at some 'active listening' info so I hope to be able to put that into play when I return home tomorrow (Iv'e been spending christmas week in self-imposed isolation in a caravan in my favourite place in the UK. The kids have been with H and his siblings/mum. It has been very peaceful; just what I needed ).

A quick update: H was away for 5 days just before christmas. He went with his mum and siblings to a place where we went together, and he sent me an email from there saying how he is reminiscing about our great time there and how he

Feels rather sad to remember what great times we used to have, and so many.Mx

I was a little taken aback, to tell the truth as I didn't understand why he felt the need to tell me this. He has been telling me (over hte past few years) how we have grown apart (being involved in a 5 year affair with a colleague will do that, of course.)I have always thought we had great times. I responded simply with 'Yes, it is sad'. I noticed that this was the first time in over a year that he signed his name (initial) with a kiss, like he always used to (and like I noticed he did when communicating with OW).

Over the past week (since I;ve been away) I have received a couple of emails from him , one of which on christmas day he said;

To tell you the truth, I'm finding the prospect of this Xmas hard and it would be easier to be alone myself...

and another saying:

Hope you're having a nice time. We're missing you. Xmas is still for families. The kids loved their gifts. Thank you for doing all of that. Mx

I have no idea where his head's at. Why did he say Christmas is still for families??? I KNOW THIS and if it wasn't for his affair, we'd still be together as a family.

He has always claimed he's never wanted a divorce, and since I threw him out of our home 4 months ago (for continued EA with work colleague)I think he thinks I hate him. I am wondering if he has jumped onto the dating sites because he thinks I don't want him back and he wants to find a connection with someone. I have no idea if his affair partner is still in the picture.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I just wanted to get it written down. If anyone can read any meaning into these jumbled emails from H I;d be happy to hear them. I am really confused.

Hope you all are having a peaceful festive season. joss x