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[Tamjakr]

Also he is like a different person, drinking a lot more alcohol, new drinks he never drank before. Is this normal? Do you this this ow will last? He asked me for a recipe today and to have a good xmas. That's it, like a stranger...

[Sotto]

Tamjakr, I'm sorry you're having a rough time my friend. You may want to have a look at Lisa 65's thread. I posted a long post to her this morning and much of what I posted there would apply in your situation too I think.

For now I would say - try not to worry about him. Look after you. Get through Xmas, regroup and 2016 is a new year. Keep posting too and others will offer support.

Take care xx

[Tamjakr]

Thx! I'm going to try not to worry about him. He's made it clear this is where he wants to be-with the OW- but he always adds for right now which just keeps me strung along!! So angry

[Sotto]

Ah, well that may continue for some time. Of course it's your choice whether to pick up the rope if you want to Sweetie. You can always be pleasant, but rather unavailable for now, whilst you are GAL for yourself.

Good luck with things. And remember, having him back at this stage - when you are desperate to reconcile - may not be a good thing. Often reconciliations are better further down the line when more learning has taken place for you both.

For now - leave him to it and live your life as though he's never coming back.

Take care Sweetie xx

[Tamjakr]

I haven't texted or called my x but for the last 2 days he has been texting me. It's not been about anything personal. Just about the dogs, kids& weather. After a few texts he said, sorry I'll quit bugging you now. I asked why is he anyway and he said "idk?". He said "I'll stop". I said "k". I'm not sure what all this means it how to handle it. Any advice??

[Sotto]

Hi Tamjakr, I would keep any responses delayed, minimal and pleasant. IMHO, it's best not even to ask why he is making the contact - in a way it's initiating a R talk and I think you want to avoid that.

I think the best way to handle it is not to initiate any contact with him and respond as above. But keep interactions pretty minimal just now. And, try not to worry or wonder about what he is thinking. Just get on with your own life for now. Make plans, join new stuff, accept invites - extend your own boundaries....

For now, that's a good way forwards I think. Sometimes the contact you describe above is just seeking reassurance that you are still 'on the hook' - that's why 'minimum' from you is best I think.

Take care xx

[Tamjakr]

That's what I will try very hard to do, thanks. Oh also he said he is kinda with the ow. Isn't that a weird statement.?! My gut tells me he doesn't want to be with me but my gut also tells me he still loves me. Is that weird?

[Sotto]

Hi Tamjakr - I would take 'kind of with' to mean 'with.' And I think it is so important to minimise the communications from your end (albeit keep them pleasant) - if you are in any doubt, Google 'affair and triangulation' - that's the dynamic you want to avoid. Plus I presume you don't want him back in these circumstances (ie: with OW in the mix) so you have nothing to lose just now in any case.

One big thing I realised a while back was that I didn't want the R 'on those terms' at all. It was a fundamental realisation and a hill I'm willing to die upon. If H chooses to remain in touch with OW, he and I will have no kind of R. We don't have kids together (tho I have a SS who I keep in touch with) so it is perfectly possible for me not to see him again.

Stay strong Sweetie. This is a tough time of year and we have to work harder to get through it, but things will improve in time as long as your own direction of travel is good - ie: GAL, work on detachment, PMA, 180s for you and so on. And the beauty of all of that is it won't really matter what your H is doing, you'll feel better within yourself anyway.

Take care xx

[Tamjakr]

I went to a councelor last nt. I really like her. She gave me techniques to help rid myself of obsessive thoughts and also told me to get an accountability partner so I won't text x and talk about r. She also said I am stuck in grief, anger, bargaining, denial stage and need to get to letting go stage. Any advice?

[Sotto]

Hi Tamjakr, in terms of letting go - it is a process, which does start with a fundamental realisation - he is gone for now, and probably gone for some time. I think the best way to detach or let go, is to 'attach' to your own life. Make some plans that genuinely excite you and have nothing to do with H. Think of the following areas:

Family, social network, learning, health and fitness, volunteering, creativity, trips.....

I think if you can get your own life to a point where there is fulfilment regardless of your H - that is the aim. But you need to start somewhere, so maybe really start to think about GAL for 2016. Start making some nice plans for you 'as if' H were never coming back.

Maybe think about a regular fitness class, or some volunteering, a regular date with friends, a workshop, a little trip to see family. The more you have in your calendar, the less you think about your H. When you go to bed, you'll be thinking about the busy day you had, or nice plans you have tomorrow.

So, that's my advice - fill the space he filled with other things. Then there is less space for him to occupy. Of course, if anything significant changes in your sitch, you can always reassess - but for now, grab life by the horns and live it. Hopefully if you do this, you'll look back on 2016 and see it as a good year....whatever happens with your H!

Good luck xx