Reality is my middle name

[123Gwen]

Haven't posted in a long time. Finally "seeing" reality and it is horrifying and illuminating in the weirdest of ways. I am ok. I am just mentally trying to wrap my head around my part in my own life. This is hard work! LOL

Also how do I cope with the practical side of life? Just lots of new questions and I must answer them on my own.

H is literally still on the run. NC except a random text about money. NC or questions about the girls. It is if they don't exist. I submitted 3 doctor bills for reimbursement and he never asked why she went to see a specialist. That horrifies me but this is who he is now.

My most important question is... who am I?

[Sotto]

Hi Gwen, nice to see an update from you. You often kindly post on others sitches, so it is good to see you posting on your own.

I'm sorry to hear that H is still running. I find the lack of questions about medical things incredible. It does show how far removed from usual behaviour people get. I know people say the lack of interest in the children is hard to take.

I think, whilst this may be him now, it hasn't always been him and won't always be him. My guess is something will change at some point - but it takes a lot for many MLCers to start looking inward.

As for you, it sounds as though you are moving forward with the practical side of things - but what about your most important question? Looking forward, who would you like to be? What would you like to be feeling, doing? Who with? It's useful to have a look at these questions I think. MLC, whilst unwanted, does present opportunities and if we can take them, our lives can become even better.

Take care and keep posting xx

[LouR]

Hi Gwen, its lovely to have an update from you, I have missed hearing about how your doing.

Its sad when the s just vanishes from life, its hard to comprehend what makes them do it or how they think this is acceptable; which goes to show that they are not in a sound mental state. Your h will look back one day and be saddened by what his decisions and actions have created, the loss of his girls and his w, his life. It maybe soon or it maybe when he is aged and alone, he will reflect back upon his life at some point.

So to the important person - You. There is a fine line between living and existing; when our s leaves us unexpectedly we get through because we have no choice, the bills need to be paid, the laundry done and children looked after, we exist, so its finding our way back across that line into living again. This opens up our mind to how we got here, how one person became responsible for us being happy, because remove them and we feel deep loss and unhappiness. I think the lesson I have learnt from this is that no matter what happens in the future, whether it is a r with my h or other person, that I keep an independent part of me and that I remain responsible for my own happiness. GAL.

So to your question - Who am I. I feel that you should not push yourself into trying to work this out, it will come naturally as you discover new things/opportunities that will come along your way. Something that you may not have even considered could be the thing that takes your life to a whole new level. So my thoughts are that you are open to everything and see where it leads you. Enjoy and embrace your new independence, discover what is out there ........ this is only my 2cents.

You never know what is around the corner, it may be your h, may be a career opportunity, maybe meet someone else or make a new friend who introduces you to a new hobby, there is always hope that tomorrow will bring something great. Today is for living and tomorrow for dreaming.

Hugs to you Gwen

[123Gwen]

Merry Christmas.

I am enjoying my morning coffee. The tree is up and the girls are sleeping late. We'll go to Mass tonight.

I did not return to my FOO this year. A long story but I am seeing things for what they really are right now. I feel like a walking clique' but a friend wisely told me, "there is a reason they are called cliques'" -- LOL.

Acceptance is a powerful thing. It hurts but it is powerful and I must use that power to propel me forward. H sent the girls a holiday hallmark. Nothing else but love Dad and two gifts cards. I imagine he'll send them his usual "insert holiday here" text but they don't usually respond anymore. On the plus side H paid D's doctor bills (never asking why she went) but he needs me to sign some paperwork so I think that is most likely the reason he paid so quickly. It doesn't matter though - bill was paid.

The biggest realization for me lately has been that my father and husband really are alike in that other horror of cliques' - being narcissists. Of course we all are and it is a spectrum of behavior but I was reacting to some unhealthy patterns in a very unhealthy way for my entire life.

I can't figure out who I am because my voice was stifled for so long by the men in my life. I played a part in that because my father expected it and just when I was finding myself I married a man who is similar in temperament.

Choosing no contact for Christmas was devastating but I finally accepted that unless I was strong enough to agree with everything and bend into a pretzel Christmas contentment would not be attainable for me. I simply refuse to engage and I chose that because I finally started to value myself. My father does not understand and thinks I love him less but no I just have finally started to see clearly that I will never be loved by these men in The way I expect and deserve. Yes it makes me unbelievably sad but I have some peace because I understand it now. I accept it now. I really do accept it - not in the sense of feeling "victimized" but in the sense that I can't change it.i just have to change myself.

The girls are so wise. I have also seen that they have a voice and a strength that I never possessed. H and I worked so hard to raise them as strong, independent women. Maybe it was because H let me do all the raising. The girls say they rarely had a substantial conversation with him. On the other had they say I have way too many heavy conversations with them. I am going to try to lighten up a bit in 2016.

These girls though are awesome! Of course they'll have issues because we all do but I think they are far better equipped to deal with them than I was. They also have a strong sense of who they are and what they deserve. I am so grateful to have a front row seat to witness their lives.

Irish- you are right. I have missed nothing. Every laugh, every tear, every smile....our house is a home and the girl's bring their friends here all the time. Many of them call us their 2nd family because they know they are valued and this home is a safe harbor. Last night the girls asked if they could throw a New Year's Eve party. They are not party animals and they asked if I wanted to invited rinds too. These are truly good kids.

So I am grateful this Christmas. I am truly grateful for all of it. I just am trying desperately to find out how to quit looking over my shoulder. I guess you fake it 'till you make it. Time helps and heals. Of course there are scars but they get tougher too.

Got two little kittens. My youngest wanted something to love and it was the best decision. The three of us are enchanted. They are part of our modern family. I feel a shift towards the future this Christmas. Even our tree is different. I used ornaments my mother had at her senior living place. It turned out beautiful and kitten friendly. The collectibles are still here but I am not sure if we'll unborn them anytime soo. I threw away his Christmas stocking. I am clearing space in my head and my heart.

I usually don't believe in resolutions but I want 2016 to focus on savoring the present and building my future. I need to stay focused forward and bit by bit I feel like that is happening by choice rather than circumstance.

Merry Christmas friends. I know how incredibly hard this can be no matter what your situation. You have all inspired me during your darkest days. I have cheered for you with each little victory and cried with you when you felt lost and sad. Through your postings I have felt solidarity and empathy. Your humanity and love during your journey has given me hope. Thank you for showing me the best of humanity even in all of it's exquisite messiness. Thank you.

[job]

Gwen,
Your New Year's resolution sounds perfect. Focus on the present and allow the future to unfold when it's ready. Don't rush it. Enjoy each and every minute you spend w/your girls and yes, each and every day as well.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

[Irish M]

Hi Gwen
You sound so strong. Great idea for the New Years party. It will add a great memory with loved ones and friends to start the year.

My D's got gift cards dropped off at their school yesterday.
No W on site. The secretary gave it to them.
So they wrote on the en envelope no thanks, walked over to her work and put them in the mail box.

Have yourself an amazing Christmas. One that will be positive and full of love.

Irish xx

[123Gwen]

Back to work and the regular routine.

Proud of all I accomplished during the holiday break. First and foremost I showed my girls how to rise above. I was not perfect but it was a time of love and peace and authenticity. We all made the best of the present and gratitude was overflowing yet we were all strong in what and who we valued. H never contacted the girls and they chose not to contact him. This was not a decision made in anger or retribution. I can't explain it but H doesn't exist anymore and my girls don't have any connection to this man. I am most empathetic but honestly he has discarded me in every way.

It is if I am texting my accountant re: bills. Nothing more. I pray every day for him to show some emotion but he is devoid of anything. I must carry on and not think too much about him. I keep thinking the guy I married would insist I carry on and be there for the girls.

I will post more later on a new thread. I think it is time for some new perspective.

[kml]

I keep thinking the guy I married would insist I carry on and be there for the girls.

I like this. And I think it says a lot about how deep his crisis is, that he has abandoned his girls so completely.

One of my kids has recently cut off contact with his dad after a spat (during the spat the ex decided to start bad mouthing me, which did not go over well at all with my son and his girlfriend.) I try to keep a balance between understanding their reason for cutting contact, and discussing how completely cutting someone out is a big burden on YOU that may not be worth it (versus carrying on a polite but distant relationship). Funny thing is, this is the same discussion I had with my ex early in our marriage, about him contacting his WAW mother who he had cut out of his life (they reconciled and now have a good relationship.)

I would really like my kids to see the movie Concussion, as I honestly believe some (definitely not all) of my ex's behavior can be attributed to the 6 concussions he had during his 40's. I would hope it could give them a kinder view of their father.

[peacetoday]

Hi G

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your girls and your situation
It also sound like you may be ready to let go and move on

Your girls seem mature and well adjusted as mine do also
We have no choice but to let H go-

we have to focus on rebuilding our new lives with our kids and family and friends
It sounds like the three of you have something special,,created out of the loss
I know my children and I have also created this
And for you,,you may be surprised at all the good in store for you up ahead
It may not look like what you wanted but it may turn out to be what was needed
for your internal growth
Wishing you a peaceful night

[sunshinelewis]

Hey Gwen how's it going?