no clue where Wife is, cant see past the FOG

[mirage]

Irish,

It's been 7 years since bomb day and my EXW still bad mouths me to whoever will listen.

I am so glad that I took the high road(made a huge difference with our kids) and that I GAL'ed. Like you I'm doing great and it shows to people I meet along the way.

You can tell when people are complete on the inside and ones that are not.

Who do you want to be?

Mirage

[peacetoday]

like that Mirage

Its true

Many of us here take the high road as there seems it is the only road that makes sense
I sense Irish is already on it

years later we see the damage our X's have created mostly for themselves as many of us have moved out of the way

[AJM]

I have had a W overdose and all I want to do is write her a long letter or calling her to tell her to stop bad mouthing me. How long does that last? I know writing her is meaningless. I'll regret doing it.

Yes, like Mirage mentioned - years or maybe forever. Depends on the person and their ability to heal in a healthy way. Have to admit, the cards are stacked against that, don't you think?

For me it's been what? 8 + years. My ex still bad mouths me to whomever will listen. Kids included. The new husband? Let's just say I don't feel it's a competition. The new friends? Check. She is now long time friends with a woman I refer to as butter face. The same woman my daughter asked about and ex told her she didn't like her either.

It takes as long as it takes, amigo. But as others have mentioned, as you get out of the way they find something else to focus on. For now, your W hasn't found that. You might have noticed how she focuses on the leaving you vs. the family thing, right? That's about all she can focus on right now. No capability to see beyond the end of her nose.

How will she come through this? Nobody knows, but I don't advise watching the train-wreck. You'll see more of it then you want anyway.

Professing love and adoration months or days before BD? Check. Got that too. In fact, on the bingo board of MLC, I think I just about have bingo. None of us here are alone in that. Many of us have similar stories. Some are funnier than others. Some are just sad.

You are a lucky man to have your D's and to be their rock of support. As Mirage mentioned, that's your one and only job. Don't succumb to the idea of retribution and in fact, don't fight back. You cannot win an argument with a crazy person.

Merry Christmas! Sounds like a good one brewing...

AJ

[Irish M]

Mirage, yes the high road. Definitely my path. I can't even tell W what I think of all this to her face and how upset I am. I could never do it behind her back. I respect the woman she once was too much.

Peace, I know you are definitely on the high road. I'm only 5 months in and I feel I've seen the worse it could get. I know I'm wrong lol

AJ, can't believe 8 years plus and no remorse.from her. You are a strong man.
I'm sure pride and embarrassment prevents them from apologizing. They continue the charades to fill their empty lives.

All 3 of you are great role models. All newbies are lucky to have you here.

Update. After the call that the D's don't want to see W. They got called down to the school office. Each had an envelope handed to them by the secretary. Gift cards from their mother. No sign of W there. Just dropped them off

They wrote a note on the envelop and walked over to W's work and put it in her mailbox. They were livid that their mom did that.

D13 keeps saying she's done with mom. I know it's part hurt but also part loss of trust in their mother.

Hopefully today can be MLC-less

[AJM]

AJ, can't believe 8 years plus and no remorse.from her. You are a strong man.
I'm sure pride and embarrassment prevents them from apologizing. They continue the charades to fill their empty lives.

I have no idea if she had remorse or not to be honest. I suspect not. I think she worked herself up to a point of blaming me so much that she believed the various stories. I mean, what would be the alternative, right?

Over time, you start to not really care about the remorse, apology, etc. You move on. It was a long time ago I realized that even though she left, I'd have to be the one to "leave" the relationship. I was right - she would have happily continued to abuse, exhort, or otherwise assault me for reasons I gave up on knowing. And that was really the hardest part after watching what she has done to the kids. Letting go of the idea that I'll ever get an apology or some sort of reconciliation of past events. But I do have a very good chance I never will (can't see the future).

The rawness goes away. It fades. The attempts to harass, become ridiculous. The words mean nothing. You learn to put all of it in its place without re-writing your own history. It takes longer than making up stories, but it can be done.

Once the world is seen back in its place, it starts to come together. After the initial shock and awe.

I'm not surprised that your D's are angry, Irish. It'll be a long road and they are lucky to have a father like you to help them and guide them. As you sort through the various emotions, try to remember your W is human and prone to imperfections. Try to sort the feelings apart from what she's done/doing to you from how she is treating the kids so you can best help the kids navigate. What you do now, is far more important than anything you can do later for them.

I think you know that, but wanted to lend a little encouragement.

Merry Christmas!

AJ

[peacetoday]

hope you had a good Christmas!

AJ is right
it all fades in time and once you have grieved the R and M..
you are less attached to outcomes
It begins to NOT matter anymore
what the MLCer is doing becomes unimportant
we stop thinking about them
you learn to expect nothing
and sometimes I am grateful my XH left me in full control of the kids
This way he has no influence on them
they do not get continually hurt by him or OW
they do not have to see him drunk or high
and they are doing well and better than I could have hoped in the start of this

sorry that your girls are in pain
they too will heal
the kids take the cue from us
if we are forgiving..they learn that
if we stay angry..they learn from that
it all takes time to heal and forgive

[Irish M]

Hi AJ and Peace

Yes I believe Time heals all and forgiveness will one day come

It will be far away since the hurt she did to the girls alone is unforgivable.
Mothers don't treat their kids this way. From a month before BD she was a different person. The D's won't accept anything less than what she was.

I won't accept W if the D's don't. My D's brought up a few points about their mom.
How I missed it. I am so sorry I let W do this to them. Hurt them. And neglect them for much longer than I thought. My rose coloured glasses are off. I should of been the one that left her long ago.

My D's said tonight that their mom is dead to them.
They remember only W being good years ago.
They hate her side of the family and won't ever see them again.
With this damage it made it worse.

I also know they we were all depressed the last 6 months when W was here. Like W's depression was contagious.

Since W had been gone. We are so much better. Our time together is real. I have done so many repairs and painting rooms. I even sleep better now. The girls are even calmer. No fights between them.

W use to keep me upstairs to watch hours upon hours of TV or movies. Got nothing done in the house. Now I hardly watch tv and I don't miss it.

i am so looking forward to 2016

[mleigh4]

Hey Irish. I am a follower of yours and continue to be in awe of what an amazing man you are with your daughters. Glad you are having a good holiday and just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas

[peacetoday]

Irish

I think it is a long road back for the MLcer to return to who they once were
I think it is possible but unlikely

Sound like your girls are processing all that has happened
and you are there to guide them
I believe all our kids have a great chance of recovery from MLC as long as one parent is available, so they feel validated and not crazy by what they feel

AS for your W, the story and ending will take time and you will watch how it all unfolds
We never know, but as long as you continue on your path for yourself letting her go-you will be guided..doors will open and everything will be made clear in time

[AJM]

Interesting, Irish. If I think back to that time in my life, the first thing I remember as I read your post was that I felt a little guilty for feeling glad she left, even though it was on Mother's day and she left the kids with me. Lots of mixed emotions as you can imagine.

Forgiveness doesn't come with time, Irish. It takes time to forgive. There's a big difference. And forgiveness doesn't mean forgetness, it means to forgive, as in restitution for wrongs.

You'll be surprised how the girls handle it over the years. She is still their mom and eventually they will want to at least visit. That's likely years off as you can imagine. But they will find a way when/if they are ready.

The changes you see in you right now? For me it was like a cork that had been held under water. At first I shot through to other activities. I was busy as a madman. I don't feel as busy now but I am told I'm an active person. I just don't feel as driven. I have not since felt the depression and lethargy of when ex was on site.

Time to get ready for the new year celebrations. Got big plans?


AJ