I think this was the one that got me the most during that time:
Quote:
I did not like who I had become. I liked myself more at 22 then I did a year ago. How awful is that? My H has been pecking at me for years and it exacted a toll on me. It was gradual and I didn't even notice! The letter snapped me awake! It said to me: you have "accepted" and even OWNED that you are the cause of all his problems!
I was more angry (after a short time) as to why I did that. What was it about me that accepted that behavior as OK? And more importantly, what as I going to do about it going forward? What was the tempered response (I am older after all and supposedly wiser in some way although I doubt that )?
What helped with some of that?
Quote:
Imagine how sick you have to be to walk out on your kids.
That was my cold water. Over the years of harassment from her and her new 'love' it's helped me temper my compassion with my urges to fight back. If I fought back, it would have been as if I were assaulted by a mentally challenged person and I took it seriously.
That led to my guiding philosophy: I didn't make her that way. I didn't break her. I can't fix her, but I can figure out my part and control myself. It was and is as simple as that.
I suggest the pull you feel is the reconciliation phase. Not as in get back together or even be friends, but as in the reconciliation of what happened with the person that did it. That may not happen.
As J points out, it's different for everyone whether easier or harder. I had mine in the house for 2 years. I don't think that's easier, personally. It was more like watching a train-wreck in slow motion, up close. I was better off seeing things as they were vs. having a daily reminder of the person she'd become. I have a good memory and didn't really need that.
Part of who I am, is the person that stood. That was for me and I knew it. I'm not sorry I saw it through to the end. But I do note it didn't have to take so long.
Merry Christmas AJ
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
There is probably a whole department that handles LBS/MLC issues. Once we're done we'll meet up at the all you can eat (without gaining a pound) sundae bar.
So, H's obsession with youth has even been transferred down to our poor dog. Recently H tells the kids that they should really enjoy the dog now because this is as good as it gets. He says that right now the dog has peak muscle mass, bone density, etc. and it is all down hill from here. He makes it sound like the dog is going to need hospice care tomorrow.
The age of the dog in human years? 28!
When he leaves the room, S12 turns to me and says: "dad is going to have a really hard time turning 50. He really has a tough time with aging."
Oh gosh, S12 is right--he sees it. I cringe thinking about it. Maybe H finally will have accepted it all by then. Or maybe he'll be in Daytona Beach making "Dads Gone Wild" videos.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
OMG! He's now projecting on to the dog...how sad is that? Can you just see your dog in hospice care? LOL!
Yes, your h is definitely going to have a difficult time w/turning 50 and the entire aging process. Maybe you need to think about getting him some wrinkle cream remover and hair coloring for men. LOL!
Oh Job - it is just insane! If the dog is on the downward slope at 28, I better sleep with one eye open. I am 40! H will may try to sell my organs while he still can. Lol!
S12 is super perceptive. He knows exactly what is going on around here. He was born an old soul. I wish he were more naive.
Meanwhile I just try to do damage control. S10 recently told me that he doesn't want to get any older! When I asked him why, he told me that he is now double digits and this is the best it gets! I didn't have to think too long or hard about who planted that seed in his mind. S10 told me he has been worrying about it for a lonnng time. I asked how long? He said ever since he turned 10 (double digits). So . . . that would be all of 2 months. We laughed about that!
Anyway S10 asked me what there is to look forward to now. OMG! I am telling you, my H strikes everywhere! I told S10 his best years are ahead of him. I told him my best years came when he and his brother entered my life. And this IS true!
I also said: there is joy in every phase of your life. If you spend time only looking in the rear view mirror, you miss it all.
As for H's 50th, I was thinking of throwing him a surprise party. I'll rent a funeral parlor for the night, hire an organ player, dress in black and throw one of those lacy doilies over my face.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Okay, I've split my sides laughing at the 50th birthday party idea. It's really a good one. Actually a hearse in the driveway decorated with a sign that says "Ain't it nifty to be 50?" on the side. Your h would absolutely die right there on the spot from shock.
Gosh, that's a really good party idea and everyone can dress up like the undertakers! LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am liking this idea more and more. I have always loved a good practical joke.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi all - hope you all are doing well! So, the boys and I had a nice Christmas!
I saw many different H's come out to play. Early on XMAS Eve he pulled me aside to talk. This always scares me as in MLC it is usually some perverse conversation that awaits me. But actually he wanted to say we should spend time with the kids and make it fun. I agreed.
After breakfast XMAS Eve I needed to go to the store. H said we should all go and not divide on the holiday. So he shadowed me like a third kid to the grocery store. Even the dog came!
He was at times playful. He rarely drinks (not a drop around me since MLC) but on XMAS Eve he had a beer and even fixed me a drink. He joked if I remembered the time I asked how he knew about AA and rock bottom. He seemed to think that was years ago--so odd their warped sense of time.
At one point he tried to ride S10's bike. This is the second time he tried this, but this time he wanted to pop a wheelie. Like the first time (in spring), the tires flattened to the ground and he was too big to pedal a child's bike. He did seem childlike during this process. It was weird. I just smiled.
At one point he played some old music that we used to joke about. When I didn't say anything, he asked if I remembered it. Then we joked about it. Sometimes he acts like I have forgotten our whole history.
There was a moment where he was very opinionated about a few things. He saw nuanced issues only in black and white; like a teenager. S10 saw the gray and introduced it but H couldn't see it. I listened, that too was all weird.
He watched "It's a Wonderful Life" with us. He told the kids it was about sacrificing and doing what is right for family. That's not what I take from that movie. I asked the kids what they thought it was about. They said it's about appreciating what you have.
As for gifts, H gave me chocolates and two ornaments: a wizard and a fairy. The ornaments are very cute.
The last gift is kind of funny. Here is the backstory. When H moved back downstairs he said the bathroom near the dorm room was now his. But he has not cleaned it once (since October and it now looks like a scene from Animal House.) I usually do the cleaning but not that bathroom as it is "his" and he moved out and doesn't want a wife. Thing is: he hates cleaning and before me he had a cleaning lady. We don't discuss that bathroom but I think he's been waiting for me to clean it. It's like the Cold War.
The other day, we had a worker over and he brought his daughter. She needed to use the bathroom and when I saw her heading that way I practically threw myself in front of H's bathroom door to stop her from going in there. She probably thinks I have bodies in there. I sent her upstairs. H heard the whole thing.
So, hence a gift "to the family" of a house cleaning. He is trying to save face in our little war. Cleaners came today--two of them. They were taking their time. So much so that I went to the dorm room to ask if they were being paid by the hour or a flat rate. (But from the way they were working I knew it was by the hour.)
Here is a glimpse of some of that great MLC logic. When I ask how they are being paid, H snaps "why do you care!" like a teenager. Yikes! I say, they are chatting A LOT and taking their time. He says he never discussed the fee with them?!? Then he says, with confidence that I should not worry because he has never paid more than 100 something dollars for a cleaning?!? Ummm . . . the last time he had a cleaner was in the late 90's for a one bedroom apartment. These women are justified in charging $100 for cleaning just his bathroom. (I am surprised they even could clean it without a hazmat suit.)
Anyway, I just said ok. But later I heard him go check on them.
I must admit, it is nice to have the house cleaned for me! It's a nice luxury after working full time and the hustle of the holidays. Maybe I should have gone on strike years ago . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
)? 
