Hi Maddy - my MLCer does these behaviors on and off. He has for the last 9 months or so. He has stayed at home the whole time.
Job will tell you to validate him when he does good things. She says he probably did not receive much praise as a child. So, say thank you! Plus, he may have pangs of guilt and be trying to assuage those.
I notice this pattern: my H pokes his head out a bit. He does some nice things. He asks if I need anything when he is going out. I validate. He disappears back into his dorm room. Then he peeks out again, sometimes sticking his neck out further. He sometimes watches TV with us, for example. Then he ducks into his room for a longer period. And so on and so forth ...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
No..I do not think it means anything He could be peeking out of tunnel
It is nice of him and when my xh would do things I would thank him
I sense part of them understands the pain they are causing..it hurts them also but they can't control it
I think they feel guilty and by doing things its helps a little and they are also torn and confused.. My opinion is while they like having my foot in the home,,the other foot is in their NEW life..they like the comfort of the family and I remember when MY xh would do something it usually did help
I would thank him and watch but keep expectations at zero do your life and continue moving forward
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My H blames me for his physical pain, the main reason for wanting the Divorce according to him is if he stays with me he doesn't know how much time he has left, does anyone else's H talk or think like this?
Maddy, A lot of the MLCers talk this way. It's the depression talking. I'm going to suggest that you look up male depression. Jed Diamond has some really good books about the male species. It's worth the extra time to read up on male depression.
Of course he's going to blame you for his pain. He's certainly not in a position right now to look in the mirror and admit that the pain is something that's coming from within.
Don't drink the Kool Aid that he's serving up. You are not the problem. It is his problem.
Here's a thread that I posted years ago from being a "visitor" to another man's MLC:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My h told me that he had to leave because he felt like he was suffocating and if he stayed with me he would die (meaning his soul). Today he says that he knows that he had an overwhelming desire to be free and experience what he feels he had been missing out on before its too late, but had no idea what that entailed or how to get it, leaving me became his only rational (to him) option. He now understands that it was running away to avoid facing his issues.
He also told me our relationship had not been right since we had our youngest child - 20 years earlier ! If that is correct, then he would not be wanting me back now would he? ......so don't take anything your h says to heart, he is trying to make sense of how he is feeling right now and making what he sees as rational decisions in his world; but to the real world they are crazy ones.
Keep reading Maddy, knowledge is power. Stay strong and keep going forwards, even a baby step is a good step.
job, your right..it's easy to feel bad when it's really the depression affecting him Those threads were very helpful, i see a lot of similarities in his behavior.. LouR good to know others are in the same boat... At what point does the resentment, hatred and blaming the spouse stop? It hurts to have him unloading his negatjve complaints about me to close friends and family. I really don't want to explain he is in MLC/depression to every person. Do i have to wait for the fog to lift before he takes any accountability & stops resenting me?
Hi Maddy - my H also told me much of the same. In depression, they are grabbing at the band aids and just slapping them on willy nilly, hoping to fix the internal pain.
So, unfortunately, no one can tell you when or if your H will come through this. This is like knowing when a teenager will be done with adolescence. Some are all grown up at 19, some at 22, others get lost and never grow up.
As for your H complaining about you to family and friends, some MLCers do this. They want to justify their poor decisions by villainizing you. Eventually people will see the truth. Try to take the high road and say nothing. Really, it is not anyone else's business, right?
If, eventually, some of those close friends or family members dispute or disagree with your H, he will drop contact with them. He will seek out peer groups that don't question his decision making skills as he will not be able to handle judgment of any kind.
You know the truth and somewhere deep, deep down he knows the truth. But, he has buried it in the depression.
You did not cause this and you cannot fix it for him. You can get lost in it or you can turn the focus onto you and your kids. Keep reading as it really does help you cope.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your story is exactly like mine.my husband tells my sister that he feels awkward when I hug him..but he hugs me first... he is very confusing. He peeped out a bit this week too and to be honest it sent me spinning..now he is gone 2 weeks I put an auto reject on my phone and told him to email if he needs to talk to the kids. My family man of a husband left for 2 weeks did not care about seeing the boys for Christmas..I cannot fathom it so I just let go before he drags me to far into his madness
Maddy, HaWho is very correct in stating that when the MLCer is complaining about the spouse, it is their way of justifying why they are doing what they are doing. People will figure it out in time. If they don't, then they were not very good friends to you. Trust me, it will all come out in the wash at some point, if the people know you.
For those who question your h or call him on his BS, he will drop them like hotcakes or distance himself from them, for he's the one that's right and does not want to be questioned and/or challenged on what he says. Again, time will reveal all to others about what is the truth and what isn't.
How long does it take for him to get over the resentment, etc.? It will take as long as it takes. I know, that's not the answer you are looking for, but many of them continue to have some of those "nasty/ugly" traits throughout the crisis and there's no way for us to tell you when they will cease. Each crisis person is unique. Some will settle down in about 6 months to a year and others....well...let's just say they have quite a bit of growing up to do to start acting like mature adults.
Keep the focus on you and your children and leave your h twirling in the wind. There's nothing you can do to change him because you aren't the one that broke him.
BTW, the less you react to his nonsense, the better. If he sees that you aren't reacting the way he wants, he'll try something different to get your reaction...this is called taking the bait....don't do it. Just go about your merry way and live your life to the fullest. It's difficult, but you can do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
