Striving to keep the peace within

[mleigh4]

Bright, BINGO! The feelings of not being protected or cared about, it's an issue I have had all my life. I felt it with H for a while, then it slowly faded....not sure if it was me or him.

I hear you too, it's confusing to want him to be a part of our life, and then turn my back when he wants to be...I guess I just want that for the right reasons. Am I short changing us? IDK....I will keep listening inside and continue to do what feels right. It's all we can really do.

Thank you Bright and everyone for helping me talk this out. If H comes forward again asking to join,....ugh....not sure. I will see how it goes, see what happens. I am just going to keep moving on.

[job]

Continue as you have been. Sit quietly for the answers will drop into your lap when you least expect them.

Christmas is a time for miracles and I've seen plenty over the years, so who knows what might transpire this year. Keep your heart and mind open and if something feels right, then do it. Okay?

[mleigh4]

Okay Job. I know the holidays bring up a lot of emotions and I know this is the case with me. Knowing that, I am taking my own emotions with a grain of salt! If that makes any sense!

[LoisB]

I wonder how many of us were abandoned by our fathers?

Mine came home and cleaned out his closet during the day when no one was home. No warning or explanation to his kids. It was the day before cheerleading tryouts--he didn't know that though because he was my dad and he didn't engage in my life.

Doing some digging into my childhood with my sponsor in D.A. Got me thinking here.

[mleigh4]

My mom got pregnant while my dad was home on leave from Vietnam. He was at war when I was born, continued to do 3 tours of duty, and was pretty messed when he was done. He left for Germany, stayed in the air force, and lived in many different places, wherever he was stationed. I never heard from him, I used to dream of him rescuing me from my depressed mom. I only met him once, when I was 18. He had come back to the states to live with his mom, his health was bad. He was an alcoholic and heroin addict, he died from liver disease when I was 19.

I often wonder if I am attracted to people who I want to rescue because of this. Weird thing is, I honestly thought H was better than me when we started dating. I thought he was too good for me, I knew I had daddy issues and he just seemed so together....turns out he was a mess himself!

[CaliGuy]

Okay Job. I know the holidays bring up a lot of emotions and I know this is the case with me. Knowing that, I am taking my own emotions with a grain of salt! If that makes any sense!

I was just listening to something on this when dealing with serious issues, the speaker said we need to have a plan, say for us dealing with the MLCrs .... And when things get tough refer to the plan not our emotions, emotions will and can quickly derail is from our plan. Made some sense to me.
I too was pretty much abandoned by my parents, father worked on the road and was self one home, when he was he and my mother would be found at the local tavern... At 44 I still know the number to that bar as I would constantly have to call to find out what was going to be done for dinner
Part of me wonders if our own childhood issues some how attract these MLCrs like torpedos to a ship it's like they almost seek us out knowing we are equipped for the crazy they will one day unleash on us ..... Ya know just thoughts one is left with as we pick up what pieces from the crisis

[job]

Cali,
I think the attraction is that we are "fixers". I certainly didn't have any childhood issues to deal with and yet, my xh was the poster child for MLC and still is this very day.

You learned good coping skills as a child and were able to deal w/your own issues and I don't think your childhood issues, etc. attracted your wife to you. Your wife felt safe w/you and knew you were "stable" and are a good provider and husband/father, i.e., maybe the opposite of what she had at home as a child. Unfortunately, we never know what will happen after we are married and we certainly didn't learn about MLC in biology class many, many years ago.

Just my two cents.

[LoisB]

Cali, I still have the Rolling Rock label imprinted on my brain. Could draw it in my sleep.

So, we chose people who had the very issues we NEED to play out in order to work through our own issues... And, vice versa.

What precisely did we need to work out? That we could survive the abandonment again? That our worst childhood fear wasn't going to kill us?

Or, did we need to just feel the leftover feelings we never dealt with?

There's at least three of us with profound rejections, abandonment suffered in childhood.

Bigger Question: How do WE stop the legacy here?

[mleigh4]

Cali, I see I made a mistake in how I reacted to H. I feel badly about it because I know I hurt him. I could have handled it very differently....how will he see me as a safe place, someone he can talk to, if I bite his head off, right? I told him he can talk to me anytime about anything....so he opened up....and I clubbed him. Not nice and not the person who I want to be.

I saw this behavior my whole life with my mom. She would stomp, pout, spew horrible things when all she really wanted was love and attention. Instead she pushed so many people away. It's like your own personal sabotage.

I love your idea about referring to your plan, not your emotions. I will keep that in mind and hopefully do better next time

Weird thing last night. I have not heard from H since Tuesday night. He called at 9:47 last night. I answered friendly and he just started rambling on about how he wants to ask S if he will help him decorate his tree or not, otherwise he will do it himself. He said S would not help him all week and that it really hurt his feelings. I could tell he was outside during our conversation, I could hear the wind, he sounded really upset and flustered. I told him I understood his frustration, S isn't much into the tree decorating anymore. I told him he could decorate it for himself? Then asked if he wanted to talk to S? He said yes.

So, S told him he would help him and they hung up. The whole thing was so weird. Where the heck was he and why so upset about this that he had to call at 10 o'clock at night? I was mostly floored that he has had an undecorated Christmas tree in his house for over a week. I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug him, he sounded terrible.

[job]

It sounds like your h was missing the family unit and what you did as a family, i.e., tree decorating. Sure, he was disappointed that your son didn't want to help him decorate earlier in the week...but this is something he's going to have to face as your son continues to grow up w/o his father being in his life full time. Some of the consequences of his actions are biting at his heels this year.

I know you want to feel sorry for him...but don't. He made the decision to move out. Your h could have remained home, sought counseling and worked on his issues...but he didn't. Tomorrow, he'll back to his usual self because he got the attention he wants, i.e., son coming over and helping him trim the tree.

You will see a lot of this "poor me" during his crisis...don't buy into it, especially during the holidays. They feel the tugs of their old life and miss the things they did w/their family...but that will soon pass when the holidays are over and done with.

Continue as you have been...like a teenager, he'll get over it or he'll trim the tree w/or wo your son's help.