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A Message from Michele
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#2532095 - 01/29/15 01:56 AM Re: When to give up on a counselor? [Re: susana4]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2888
Loc: Piney Land
Good to recognize. You must bring your reactions to zero. You can disagree without emotions such as anger sarcasm etc.. i was very reactionary. I got very angry and nasty about stuff. Mostly about my daughters upbringinng. Even though i was right I wonder now if ex could have been more open to my suggestions if i wasnt so pushy and intense. My daughter is 18 now. Not working and dropped out in the 9th grade. She is home on her computer doing nothing. I just had to let go. Hardest thing to do. But sometimes the best thing to do is nothing....

Stop fighting him.....it may get better
_________________________
M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2532098 - 01/29/15 02:03 AM Re: When to give up on a counselor? [Re: Rick1963]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2888
Loc: Piney Land
And I walked from my 1st M cause she fought me everyday. Mostly for working 16 hr days. She didnt work and i needed to. It is all about how you present an issue
_________________________
M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2532194 - 01/29/15 01:16 PM Re: When to give up on a counselor? [Re: Rick1963]
susana4 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/15
Posts: 685
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Good to recognize. You must bring your reactions to zero. You can disagree without emotions such as anger sarcasm etc.. i was very reactionary. I got very angry and nasty about stuff. Mostly about my daughters upbringinng. Even though i was right I wonder now if ex could have been more open to my suggestions if i wasnt so pushy and intense. My daughter is 18 now. Not working and dropped out in the 9th grade. She is home on her computer doing nothing. I just had to let go. Hardest thing to do. But sometimes the best thing to do is nothing....

Stop fighting him.....it may get better


Thanks Rick, you're right. I think what I struggle with is going to one extreme or the other - either disagreeing with anger and emotions, or not disagreeing at all. How to disagree in a healthy way, without anger? Still working to figure that one out....
_________________________
Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.

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#2554304 - 04/04/15 11:59 PM Re: When to give up on a counselor? [Re: susana4]
BW911 Offline
New Member

Registered: 03/06/15
Posts: 24
Loc: Nebraska
Our counselor was pretty horrible too. One our very first visit it was chalk full of "how do you feel" and "how does that make you feel" type canned responses. Oh, AND she dropped the reference about if our sessions weren't productive then we needed to be able to discuss how we were going to co-parent. I was like WHAT?! thats not someone who's backing the relationship.

Our first 2 sessions were about our history, what hurt her, what hurt me, and how sorry I was. Both sessions ended with my W saying she needed more time to think. No goals, nothing productive at all. Anyway, we quit going to ours after the 3rd visit and much of the same crap. And the 3rd one was where my W told me she had filed for D.

If ANY MC pushes dissolution of the M.... then I say drop them and drop them quick. Ive got a real relationship counselor setup, but now.... my W is pretty resistant to trying anything more.

GL though susana! I think its great that you're both working on things.
_________________________
Me-35
W- 30
Married Jul 2010

S - 4
BD - 23 Mar 15
I responded to filing 27 Mar 15
OM suspected in Feb
OM confirmed 7 Apr

Song
Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)

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#2624685 - 11/18/15 03:46 AM Re: When to give up on a counselor? [Re: susana4]
ktfo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/15/15
Posts: 95
So I did individual counseling on Friday, and it was good in the aspect of that everything I told her that my wife was doing post A was what everyone wants. That we "are ahead of the process because she's been fully compliant and chose me" LOL chose me? LOL I laugh ... she new what she had (not to be arrogant) and it wasn't enough for some reason. I go back Dec 2.

Went to MC on saturday together, gave her the general info, including the A and she was not all that helpful. And the worst part was my W said NOTHING! She just sat there, and said very very little. This is my biggest fear, she really is not willing to work or share... the only thing I got out of it was that she drove to him to be with him. Awesome? LOL I just laugh... I love this woman sooooo much, yet i'm an after thought to some guy who chatted her up ... I'm afraid that through this all her main goal is to say nothing, and hope I just let it go. We go again saturday, and well I have very little hope that my W is willing to open up. If she says nothing again, Im' going to suggest we stop going and maybe she should goto individual counseling where Im' not present so she can find out WTF is wrong.
So saturday evening I'll have an update of some sort..

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#2632883 - 12/18/15 05:23 PM Re: When to give up on a counselor? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
- MB - Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/15
Posts: 603
Loc: USA
Code:
Good luck and keep at this. A LOT of us believed our marriages were over and they weren't. 

25yearsmic, I was just wondering if you could tell me what changed in your marriage after 3 years that allowed you guys to work things out and get back together? I would love to hear how what happened that allowed your success story to actually work out. I'm just looking for ANY hope to hold on to at this point. Thanks.
_________________________
M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it

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