The beauty of the shifts that you've written about Feyth are that when the emotions come (and they will) you will be different in your experience of them. You have become a different person, something that is extraordinarily hard to do.
When people say "change is hard" I have to laugh. For most of us on this board it took losing that which we hold most dear in the world - our families - to elicit that change.
But when it does happen as evidence by the shifts you describe (and I believe you that they are very real), it's magical and will stay forever. That's the other excellent part of shifts born out of extreme trauma, there's no going back from them.
Congratulations on your growth, I know you've still got some pain to walk through and my heart is with you.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Feyth, just wanted to stop by and say hello. Seems like you have come a long way in a short time.
Detaching is the hardest part of DB and I could not get there until I kicked H out of the house. It is definitely a process that still ebbs and flows. I am finally pretty detache day nine months in.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Hi there, Yeah- this certainly didn't happen on accident and I'm nowhere near where I need/want to be... But it feels good to make progress (mind you this is after close to 6 m separated and after reading 40+self help books multiple times). Oy- I deserve some progress! One thing I know is that knowledge doesn't lead to change.... Only action does...and that's what I'm doing.
Today I was able to keep my pma going. Participated in a Shawn Achor happiness advantage workshop- it was super helpful and I'm making the commitment to myself to choose to be happy.
After the workshop, a couple of the participants and I went out for some wine... All in all a great day!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Tonight I went to IC- it's helping me to continue to move forward and slowly accept that this is not all my fault. Upon bd, I took this all on myself as if it was 100% my doing. It so is not all my fault and I need that reminder every now and again. Then, I spent the evening buying and wrapping gifts for a family that me and my colleagues adopted for Christmas. It feels great being able to help someone and their family have the best Christmas ever! I went overboard on Star Wars stuff for the young boys . I wish I could be there when they open all their gifts!
Lastly, I was feeling sassy so I bought a box of hair dye and switched up my look a bit.... I needed a little oomph! Feyth is a-changin!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Feyth your attitude is inspiring... You seem like a very happy go lucky gal. Your H is going to be sorry one day.
I had meant to adopt a family this year, I knew it would make me feel good. But I ran out of time.... Next year for sure!!
Sometimes it is hard to figure out that our situations are not all our fault. I think it is important to realize this. It took me a long time. I can now see pretty clearly both of our roles in ending up here. Hoping that helps me in the future at least.
I bet the new hair color looks great! Time for the weekend!
I can not believe it, it's officially been 6 months since I moved out... And 6 months and 1 day that I've been DBing. I never, in a million years thought h and I would be "here," furthermore I can't believe its been half a year since we've had any meaningful interactions. It's just crazy! Ha ha- I remember my first set of DB goals included h and I going out again w/in three weeks and me moving back by August. Ha ha ha ha! I had even thought about how much it would cost me to break my 4 m lease. I'm actually smiling as I type this because it's just hilarious! I had no idea the road ahead of me at that time.
The good news is I can honestly say that I haven't wasted one single day during this entire separation. Yes, there were days where I didn't even get out of my pjs, but it was because I was reading and learning about myself, relationships, communication etc. I am proud of myself for taking the opportunity to really look inwards and make necessary changes. I met a young woman earlier this week who told me she was getting divorced because he husband cheated on her... She was angry and bitter and badmouthing him... I wanted to tell her about DB and this site, but hesitated because we literally just met and did not seem keen on any feedback/advise. I felt sad for her because she did what feels natural and that is to shout her anger from the rooftops and prove that she's the better person for not cheating. I don't know that she'll look inwards and see what a "gift" something like DBing truly is. She could come out of a heartbreaking experience a much better person.
I've been doing well. Early on I was going crazy to improve myself with the end goal of getting h back. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was finally able to take the attention off him and onto myself and that has made a world of difference. I am so thankful that 40 lb brick on my chest has dissipated. It feels good to breathe again without that unending anxiety about my sitch. I feel much lighter!
I made it to a point that I am not so sure I would take h back. Not that it's an option, but really I feel like I am like 60/40. That's crazy for me to feel because I told myself every single day "never give up". " never give up on the people you love" "be still be patient"... Yada yada yada.
Anyway, just wanted to journal a bit... This forum has been a true blessing. I'm an introvert by nature so coming to a forum like this has been a 180 and even posting on other threads (as minimally as I do- something I want to improve on) is also a huge 180 for me. The people here are really special and I hope the best for everyone this holiday season and I think we're all going to have a rocking 2016!
Three gratitudes for today 1) auto coffee makers! 2) dog snuggles 3) online church- so I can sip coffee, while snuggling with dog, and get in touch with my spiritual side. ( oh yeah and never having to leave this warm comfy bed to enjoy all those things)
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Feyth, I guess you can change the name of your next thread from "zero steps forward" to "A giant leap forward." You are doing awesome. I would love to see you post more! I love how you wrote that not one day was wasted. I had a big "slump" in November, for almost 3 weeks, and although I was depressed and crying and not getting out much, I felt that it was a necessary break and time for introspection. I honestly think we can use our down days for good, and as we all know the longer we DB there are less of those.
Thank you for your posts, thank you for sharing your story, this is a safe place especially for introverts!
Great attitude Feyth.... unbelievable how well you are doing. I love your thread because I feel like our situations are so similar, though you are doing a bit better than me. But it gives me a goal to catch up!! I need to get that 60/40 mark... I am probably 51/49 :-).
Isn't it crazy how fast the time goes? When this first happened, I thought time was going to stop and drag along. Just the opposite. This has been the fastest moving 6 months of my life! Those first three months were an absolute blur.
I'm in no way done doing what I'm doing... Just thinking about the situation differently. I still love h, but i have to learn to love me more! Ha! I am proud of this new direction and am working consciously to keep my momentum going. Even caught myself singing Christmas carols last night! What what???!!! Also, my CEO called me into his office this morning to check on me and told me that the twinkle has come back in my eyes. (How special do i feel that I am one person in a 10,000 person company and my CEO recognizes me and cares about my well being?!?!) Makes me tear up just thinking about it because I was sooooooo sad for soooo long. I truly feel like I died back at bd. I remember a person stopping me at the grocery store a few months back- a stranger came up to me and asked, "what's wrong? It can't be that bad? How about a smile?" I remember being shocked and I just planted on the best fake smile I could muster. I was radiating pure sadness.
It's hard for me to post here. Mostly because I feel selfish sharing my thoughts (and trying to focus on daily wins to keep the positivity going- feels braggy and unlike me) but I think the hardest part is the fact that I literally have mere seconds of interaction with h each week and I truly don't know what does and what doesn't work in terms of the DB interactions... Makes it really challenging to pay it forward because all I am doing is working on me, my issues, and what I contributed to the m. I truly have a hard time sharing pearls or experiences with others, but at the same time I continue to be thankful for being able to read the personal details of everyone's experiences because it does help me and my perspective. I've learned a ton! Thank you.
With that said, I hope everyone has a great Christmas week! I decided no presents and decorations this year. Instead, I am going to cook a wonderful Xmas eve dinner for the fam at my parents place. And the following week I'm off to Seattle to visit with my best friend. Looking forward to vacation!
Today I'm grateful for: My work colleagues Heat! High speed internet
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
. I wish I could be there when they open all their gifts!