Striving to keep the peace within

[LouR]

Hi Mleigh

First ...breathe .... Come and vent here anytime, heck, I do it ALL the time lol.

I have two words for you Cake Eating. H wants it all and whilst you give it to him he will continue to expect it. Allow his comments/requests to slide on by, he is trying to get you to play his game with his rules, but you make your own rules mleigh, ones that are in your favour. When he left his family he gave up the right to be included in anything you do so let him stamp his feet and get into a sulk, you stick to what makes you feel comfortable.

As for reconciliation - ha ha, I am the poster girl for doing it the wrong way, so if/when this becomes an option then deal with it at that point as you really don't know what you can and can't forgive until your actually facing it.

Feel angry and p#ss#d, get it all out and then let it go, move on and find your calm place again. You are going through so much, I want to jump through the screen and give you a big hug and tell you that your doing great, you really are. You are faced with a huge challenge and you are meeting it every way it is coming at you, be proud of yourself as I sure am.

[job]

I agree w/Lou, i.e., cake eating at its finest. He is the one that is picking and choosing what he wants to do w/his family. He will continue to do this until you decide what will or won't be allowed.

Don't allow the holiday season to dictate your decision as to whether your h participates in other activities during the holiday season. Remember...I did point out that they do come out to play and want to be a part of the family scene during the holidays and once March 17th comes around, they disappear once again.

You've already decided to have him come over on Christmas to be w/you and your son...I think that was a huge plus, but when it comes to other activities, I wouldn't include him in many of them. As for Star Wars, I think it would be nice if you and your son went "alone". Your h needs to see and learn that leaving the family unit and living on his own won't cut it in the real world. If he stamps his feet, let him. He'll get over it and hopefully come to realize that in order to participate in family activities, he needs to get his act together and grow up and be the mature man and want to come home.

It's time that you think about what YOU want right now. If it means doing things w/your son on your own, then do it. But, you are the one that needs to determine whether to include your h in your family activities. I'll leave you w/a question....How can he miss you, the family unit and his home if he's participating as a family member and yet goes to his place when the fun is over?

You've been doing extremely well, but it's time to take the cake away from your h. Also, remember to breathe and count to 10 before saying or reacting to anything he suggests to you about family time.

[LoisB]

I agree with Job. Christmas Day is a done deal and it sounds like you are comfortable with this ONE day arrangement. He is seeing all the other activities he will miss and he is counting on you to make this easier. I like how he sorta tried to weasel his way into the other stuff...and, Kudos to him for working hard to make it seem very low-key and even turn it around so HE feels like HE is making the decision on what activities he joins!

Like... "Yep. I don't want left out of ALL the fun stuff. Count me in on these, specific activities."

Very immature, but very adept at how he sorta eased into the whole thing. Spectacular manipulative move. Bold. Ballsy.

Thing is... You got this MLeigh. If this man never shows up to another holiday event, you will still be okay. You have the makings of a life without him. You have worked so hard to create this life on your own and have done it respectfully.

Even your son has made peace with his Dad living on Mars. I suspect your H is sensing this. He sees you able to function and even thrive without him.

Now, he needs to SEE it without participating and watch you thrive from afar. Don't let him hook you. These are his choices.

He is a master cake eater.

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree that he seems to be saying - I'll have bits a, b and c of the marriage - suits me to be part of those. I don't want x, y or z though. Partial marriage.

As others have said, do what works for you and try not to worry too much about how he is going to amuse himself over the festive season..

Take care my friend xx

[mleigh4]

Wow I was expecting some backlash or 2 by 4s for some reason! Thank you all so much. I feel like a B for what i said to him, but I am human and have a right to be upset.

I am back to my happy place. I will not be contacting H about Christmas lights or star wars. I have my weekend with S planned and will continue on with my own plans.

I am going to send H a quick reply about his concerns with S and the game. I don't want to ignore that as H went to a lot of work to send me a letter text about it! Seriously, he needs to get his priorities straight. But I will validate his concerns and keep it upbeat and positive.

Thank you all for your hugs, had a bit of a tiff last night! You all are such blessings to me. Make it a great day!

[Butterc]

Mleigh, thanks for posting. H put up a tree today and brought presents. I so do not want his gifts; he left with the only gift I wanted.
You said everything I am thinking. If you're a B, then I'm joining the club.
We are similar in sitch, you help me so much.

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I agree with other opinions here about the cake eating. He is definitely cake eating. And it is up to you whether you want to allow it or not. Here is my take on this. You said that you would not be good at reconciliation, if it comes to it. Then you obviously have very high expectations on all of this. I bet there are a lot of people on this board who would give anything to have the situation you have for a possible reconciliation. What I mean is that there is NO OW! I don’t know if this would be any easier or not. I don’t remember any posters who reconciled with their spouses when there was no OW and if it was any easier. The only poster that comes to mind is labug, but I she was not sharing much detail (feelings) about her reconciliation.

I’m not saying that you should tolerate this cake eating thing, is you don’t feel like it. If you and your son are perfectly happy without H, then there is no point to allow him to be included into every activity you are doing. You need to think what is best for you and your son. I completely agree with that. But, will you be ok and happy if your H would stop wanting to do anything with you and you son and treat you like the strangers, and like you never existed? Which I get from my H, and it hurts. You say that there is something still holding you from completely ending this. I guess you will have to figure it out. I just want to make sure that you are doing what you feel is right for you and not doing things to punish H or show him what he might be missing. Because I see so much hope in your sitch. I might be wrong though… I don’t consider myself an expert or a vet in MLC. It is just my opinion.

[mleigh4]

Finally got some time to re-read and answer.

Hawho, good point about S watching with the gifts. I did not think of that.

Lou, thank you so much for the kind words. Do what feels comfortable is right. I am seeing the cake eating clearer and clearer.

Job, my wise one. Even though it makes me feel a bit bad, I am following my true feelings. I honestly don't want H to be a part of our plans this weekend. Not as he is today. Why would I want this situation to spoil my favorite time of year? Not going to let it happen. You are right about Christmas, plans are made, so I will go through with it, on my terms. And yes, I reacted a bit too quickly. I knew that as I was typing him! I could have said things differently.

Hi Heather. Boy you got it. I was thinking last night, S and I were forced to change our whole life, our whole way of living. So we did, we have created our own world, without much of H in it, and we have done a great job! We are happy and enjoying our new world! H thinks he can just pop in when he wants now? No. S and I went through a lot and worked hard to get here. I am very cautious of H motives and will continue to make sure he doesn't succeed in sending waves through our calm waters.

Sotto, it is hard sometimes. No one wants to hurt someone they love, and I am sure somewhere in him it hurts to be excluded from these things. I also know we did not ask for this. H needs to face his choices, I am doing no one any favors if I don't stand my ground. So I try not to worry about him too much.

Hi Buttercup! Thank you for stopping by. It makes me very happy if I am able to offer any comfort. I will read up on your sitch. I hate when standing up for myself makes me feel like a B! I think the way for me to change that is by changing my approach. That is something I have been working on for a while now!

So, all good in my camp here. S and I are having a great night, had a yummy dinner, and just watching Elf. I love that movie! Never any response from H, as expected. The sulk is on. Looking forward to a nice pre Christmas weekend

[mleigh4]

Hi Bright, just saw your post. Well, there is no OW that I KNOW of. I mostly believe there is not one, but of course I wonder. I am not sure if it makes it any easier. That would mean he left us.....for what? Either way, he still:

Had an all night text fest with my so called female friend--which when caught brought out BD.
He lied about his whereabouts many times
He hid things from me
He hid his phone around me
He physically rejected me
He left me

Does it matter if for OW or not? I don't know, but I do know I am deeply hurt. I have a thick wall around me, I am not sure if I can let him in. I am working on figuring that out. 100% honesty -- I believe at this point if things do not work out, it will be because of me. Aside from being abandoned by my father, no one has ever hurt me so deeply. Can I get past that? I don't know.

We get along very well for the most part, and I am proud of myself for getting that far....I don't think I would say I am punishing him....I see it as making him face his choices. I rarely turn him away and wasn't going to until he said those words to me, I want to be a part of those things. What about every other moment and day that S and I face?

I would need to see some continued effort from H to know he was being genuine. Right now? Something tells me he is sitting alone in his quiet dumpy house with his Christmas tree and he just doesn't want to be left out of things we used to enjoy doing. I don't feel like his motives have anything to do with me. I don't feel even a hint of that from him. Maybe if I did, my walls would come down a bit....

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I hear you. I feel you hurting, because he abandoned you. Because he chose to not be part of everything, and not just the things he wants to be part of. I also understand the feelings of being abandoned by a father. I was not abandoned, but my father was not present much in my life, I never felt I was protected or cared about. I know the feelings…

mleigh4, I am supporting you all the way. Only you know what is best for you.