Striving to keep the peace within

[mleigh4]

Hi Hawho. Ya, there is only so much I can do about the R between S and H. That is on H to figure out.

I had a nice weekend! Saturday H came to pick up S. H sat down at the table with S and I and chatted away about work. He seems so stressed with it! Funny thing is, he went on and on about his work buddy, the one who was emailing jokes to me and who I let know H is no longer on that email. H was going on about an argument they had on Friday about work, how weird he is, how the guy threatened to quit....I did not bring up the emails.

In conversation, H commented on all my solar string lights I have in the front, asked me for a third time where I got them. I told him I love them, that they turned out really nice looking afterall. He said he knows, that he saw them...then faded off. Right away that confused me as they have only been up for 2 weeks and he has not been to the house at night for a long time...when did he see them??

H was very relaxed and in no hurry to leave. I however had lunch plans with my cousin so I nudged things along a bit. H asked to take some lights and decorations for his tree. The lights were fine, we have tons. But many of the decorations belonged to my grandmother, they are very special to me. So we decided I would go through them first and put aside any extra random ones for him.

My cousin showed up to pick me up just as we were finishing. H and my cousin shook hands and chatted, very cordial. Cousin and I took off for lunch. We talked about the fact that H wanted lights and decorations for his tree, but has not offered to help me get one. We actually laughed pretty hard about it! But my cousin told me, as he is male, he said sometimes guys just don't think of that stuff, sometimes they just don't think. He also reminded me how self sufficient I tend to be, stubborn to a point where I won't ask for help even if I need it. Gave me food for thought.

That night I went to a birthday bbq with friends. I had a blast, great food and fun watching some of the guys jam together to play some great blues music. I was amazed by the talent of a 17 year old kid playing guitar, serious talent!

This morning I woke up to a very stormy day. I LOVE this weather and enjoyed it. I did some yoga and relaxed. When it was time to pick up S from H, I asked H if he could help get a tree on my truck. He said sure.

I picked up S and H followed us to the tree farm in his own truck so that I wouldn't have to drive him back. H grabbed some kettle corn for us all to share as we looked for our tree. It became very stormy again, rainy and windy, and I just could not stop laughing at the fact that we were doing this in such terrible weather. It was really funny to me for some reason. Just as we finished and got in our trucks, it began dumping rain. S and I cracked up more and H texted "we just made it!!" That trip will be a memory for sure!

I was able to drag my tree upstairs into my house. It was not easy! Especially getting it in the stand. I could hear my cousin telling me how stubborn I can be. H had offered to come help but I figured I could do it. It is decorated and the house looks like Christmas!

Getting ready for the work week now, it's been very busy getting houses closed before the holiday. Next weekend I will be baking lots of cookies! I have decided to bake for friends and co-workers this year instead of gifts.

I hope you all have a good week

[mleigh4]

Need some help, advice, ideas. I was not planning on getting H a Christmas gift. I was just going to take him some cookies, and I have a pic in a frame of him and S that says daddy and me for S to give him.

Now that he will be here and we will be doing gifts together, I wonder if I should have something for him?? A gift card would be easy, but I don't want restaurants so he can take someone else! I don't want to get clothes for him to wear for others. I don't want to get him anything for that stupid house....I am really stuck...

I know, I am sounding a bit selfish and stubborn...I honestly am having a hard time buying him anything. I was shopping last night and could not bring myself to do it.

Any ideas???

[job]

Why not get him a CD of his favorite musical artist? What about a gas gift card?

[mleigh4]

Good idea Job, I like the music idea. I also thought of golf. He used to love golfing. He hasn't in a while, his golf clubs are in the garage! But he used to really enjoy going with the guys and I know they ask him from time to time.

Thank you!

[HaWho]

Hi Job - great gift ideas! Mleigh- I can just pop off my H's latest MLC CD off to you? That 'oughta help out with the depression. Lol!

How about a book? I think I am buying my H the new Elon Musk biography. This is very kind of me as really, he deserves coal in his stocking.

[kml]

Do you know his love languages? That becomes important at Xmas time.

If you want to leave the door open for any possibility of reconciliation - even if you think you might be through - I recommend putting some thought into this. (But keep the receipt and make sure you can return it in case he shows up empty-handed!).

If gifts are his love language, you're best off (usually) buying exactly that thing that they told you about or circled in the catalogue (even though that takes the fun out of it for me). If he's a word of affirmation person, something that has a positive sentiment attached. Etc.

[mleigh4]

Hawho, I would love the CD! I am sure my H would be able to relate. H doesn't really read other than car and driver, which he has a subscription too.

Kml, I get your idea, but don't feel it. I am avoiding anything personal at this point, it wouldn't feel right to me. And truthfully, I have no idea how H lives his life these days as I was cut off from that over 2 years ago. All I have to go off of are old hobbies. His love language was touch, not an option right now for me. Another is food! He will be getting his favorites that day.

So, a local golf course gift card it is. He is lucky to get that, I am only doing it as we will be together on Christmas. I am just not feeling it....

I sent him a TM of some really funny school work S did. He replied and asked about us all seeing Star Wars this weekend. I told him this weekend is pretty full, I have lots of cookies to bake and we have plans to drive around Saturday night to see Christmas lights with his BFF and family. H replied going on and on about S being addicted to his iPad and computer, how he can't even come up with ideas for Christmas gifts he wants. And of course H wants to see the lights with us. He says "I do want to be around for things like that"

Ok I am irked. Please please tell me it is ok to reply to him that we are not a rent a family for when he "wants" to be around. Can I tell him that we prefer a full time family member? How about you don't get to pick and choose when you decide to leave your family?

Ok, I may regret it but said....well, being around for things like that changes when you leave your family and your home. Sorry, not fighting just saying. We deserve much more than a sporadic daddy But it's Christmas! So I will let you know the plan. Sorry but that comment irks me, just being honest.

I expect silence

[mleigh4]

Actually, I turned my phone on silent and put it away. I don't care about a comment or silence right now....

What the heck has gotten into me? I think I may be a little pi$$ed at his wanting to be a part of our holiday, and knowing everything will go right back to the way it has been after.

[mleigh4]

Still venting! Lol. I know some of you may think I am crazy. I mean, H wants to see Star Wars with us, he wants to be here for Christmas, all things I should be wanting, right? Thing is, this has nothing to do with S and I, this is H being his selfish self to have what he wants when he wants it. Then continue on back to his single life. Yes, it leaves me feeling used, frustrated and pi$$ed!

I hope I don't regret Christmas. I want my son home all day, I hope I don't regret having H here in order to have that. I am worried that I will. Thanksgiving was wonderful just being able to do my own thing....

IDK, I am feeling a bit confused about all this right now. His comment really set it off. "I want to be a part of these things" Tough sh$t! You should have thought of that when you bailed, left me with a huge house to take care of by myself, forced S and I to split apart, threw away 15 years of our life, have S growing up in a split home. Tough!


I am guessing I would not be very good at reconciliation of any sort. If he reaches out for genuine reasons, he may get his hand bit. I am strong, but maybe not so strong in forgiving and forgetting.

Just getting this out here....feels good

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - I understand what you mean about not "feeling it" when it comes to giving a personal gift to your H.

The last 4 years my H has shoved every gift I have given him into the back of a closet. And when he opened them he was hostile! I know the MLCer has a difficult time accepting gifts from the spouse while in crisis. I have decided that I will give my H a gift even if he does not give me one. It just feels like the right thing to do even if he is not appreciative. My kids are watching, too!

As for your H's interest in joining you for Star Wars, I cracked up at your "rent a family" line. Hope it does not offend you; but it's a keeper!!!

I am curious what the vets will say on all this.

Thinking of you and sorry as I know it is all so painful to re-visit.