Hi RD, it's been a theme on your thread - the fear of being hurt again, and putting up some barriers when your W comes forward a little. I can truly understand it BTW, and may find myself in that position at some point - who knows!
But I wonder if you might try the 'toe in the water' approach. So, when your W comes forward a little, not putting up a barrier, but offering a little gentle encouragement - nothing too dramatic, but a non-barrier. However, your heart remains hidden from her, and you are merely dipping your toe in that water. You are not yet sure if you would open that heart to her again - that's okay. Equally, I don't think you want to drive her away if she runs into walls any time she wants to get near to you.
I think it's an important question - given all present circumstances, what's okay for me? I know that for myself, if my H remains in a R with someone else, I don't want to see or speak to him. I would probably talk on the phone - but business matters and small talk and that's it. And I don't want to see him. What's okay for you?
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The thought of being hurt again looms large, doesn't it? I understand where you're coming from. How do you trust somebody (the same person?) again? It's good to see you thinking things through, though.
Anyway, I thought you'd got Pink on the go!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy... who knows? We basically don't know anymore what tomorrow holds for us... we are all trying to survive the storm.
RD, stop this nonsense... I get the whole hurt thing and you know it well because we are all very hurt.
But then there is something in between that has been forgotten here. You are not going to commit to anything super definitive, serious.
If you give your wife a chance to get a little closer, she may find the way to understand better what she wants, what happen to her, what is she loosing or gaining, you will also have the opportunity to show that you have a different perspective on many things, that you learned a lot of R stuff that made you a better person and that you are not the old boring RD.
Long R are famous for being dull, boring. Put your sickness, her menopause and 4 kids in the middle and you have a recipe for disaster.
Letting your W getting a little closer, does not mean you will be with her tomorrow, but will give your and her a chance to heal, to discuss things around, and if not to rescue the M, at least will be some closure for both of you.
If then, there will be a chance to move forward to repair the damage, then it will be slowly and gradual, so no need to think about commitment. If you are not to trust no one else in life, then don't. Be in a R and have your own life too. I can be done, and as a matter of fact, it can be healthier too.
If not with your W, no fear is necessary because you are not going to fall in love so badly now that it will blind you. You will probably take your time to know someone, to some time together to find out if this is what you want.
So, stop the fear of being hurt. There are other hurts in life that are much worse then losing your spouse. Losing a child is probably the worse one for us parents. What are you doing about that? Putting your kids into a giant bubble and not allowing them to have a life because you fear to lose them?
You see, we can't live in fear. We can have pain, stress, disgust, and so on and it will be feeling we will deal as we go. But fear will stop you from being happy.
RD, when you started in this board, you came here looking for help to get your W back, to fight for your M and your Vows, your family. You read the books that says we need to do the heavy lift for awhile because our S are somewhere in lost in space.
You even tell me to start from the beginning, DBing.
Time to step in front of that mirror and have a good look at yourself and take a decision. If your family is still very important for you and your W has still that space to be part of that family. Then be humble and accept to do the work, line by line.
It's not all lost yet. Your family have a chance to be happy again. Think about what you are doing and what can be done. Look for choices.
Share with us and we will give some input and we can storm some ideas. Start the chess game again. What you are doing we call "Cheeseless Tunels" ... remember?
I like you a lot, in some ways I can even love you, and I want to see (hear) you happy. Forgiveness is a gift for yourself more then for the other person. Try to forgive and you will feel better about your sitch. We all make mistakes.
I took D14 into the heart of Dublin today to see L/C. D14 has been very down but L/C was the trick and we left L/C and walked down Graffton street taking in all the Christmas decorations We shopped in the Disney shop and bought L/C a Joy doll from " Inside Out" We watched some street performers and headed back to work to collect S20. We then got take away and came home S17 and watched Brooklyn Nine Nine.
I'm about to sort school shirts and tidy up then we will choose a film. Great day today with D 14
I am so proud of you for all you do for your kids. You get all the affection here because we can see what a good person and dad you are.
Hope that the LC and your attention got D14 in a better place and she is feeling better. I can't even grasp what it is for D14 and D11 having to endure that their mom left them, even if she is still around.
I am so sorry for them, kids that did not ask to be born and now need to be forced to live this kind of situation. I will always break my heart.
The good part is that they have you and you are paying attention in each individually. You are awesome RD. God bless you.
Next time I am in Dublin then I can go visit my friend the tart with the cart, Molly is the name. Sweet Molly Malone. I will think of you with your lovely D14, going walking and shopping.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
