You are very fun to talk to V. I never understand women (or men) who are uptight about sex.
If you are made to feel perverted, monstrous, and repulsive, neglected and rejected for years, and ultimately abandoned and shunned because of your desires, it might feel a bit different.
Be careful of assuming that a high drive makes you like a guy. Maybe so. But I haven't met a woman that is wired like I am either. It's possible I suppose. I hope so. But the desire for frequent sex doesn't necessarily match the underlying motivations, outlooks, or why it is so critical.
Anyway, to the question at hand...I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone but a committed life partner. It is too important and intimate for me to share with anyone else. And anyone that could have more casual sex and look at is as simply physical stimulation I don't know that I could trust with my intimate self because they wouldn't understand the value of what I was giving.
Zues this is your sitch.
Your feelings about yourself are uniquely yours to own and you do. It's the way you feel about it, can that heal?
Most of sex to me with a committed life partner is fun and enjoyable. That's my view of it and apart from the end with WH really satisfying for me. I have a high drive which I'd more masculine in style that doesn't make me like a man.
Nothing about the sex is casual, just because it's fun and enjoyable doesn't make it casual.
I wish for you a great satisfying R with a terrific accepting sex life and a life partner that is other than casual. I want that for you very much that you have your hearts desire.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your H is in a very hurt place, and truly this isn't about you for him. It's about himself. He is confused and bewildered. Needs space, he is telling you that.
He is a WAH, I understand his position on it. I am a WAW myself, it's a confusing place to be. A tussle between trust and fear.
That being said if you can't detach from ML, if it loops you then that isn't a good route for you in my view. There is much healing to do with the bipolar II syndrome and an A to recover from. With type II then meds and therapy can bring you closer to manic episode release and ads can help with depression. You may never have another manic phase again. It will take work. Cadet knows more about this than I do. I know enough to understand bipolar is largely physiological as an issue. It isn't a personalIty disorderbut has serious behavioural consequences if unmanaged.
The fact that you had an A is likely hurtful to H, he will work at his pace not yours. ML can be healing and this has to work for both of you.
Sweetheart you are the one here, all power to you for standing and wanting to repair your self and your M.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/14/1501:26 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Unless I missed something , I do not feel like your husband is cake eating or a WAS. It reads as if he still loves you but is deeply hurt and confused and angry. Rightfully so. Intellectually he wants to divorce...your actions (whatever the reason) have surpassed his boundaries and greatly injured his ego. But emotionally and physically he still desires you.
I think you will have to be extremely patient. I think you need to put him first. As many books say, there cannot be enough apologies and reassurances. I think as long as it is safe and desired by both of you, you should remain intimate. Don't worry so much about you and your feelings right now. It should be about him.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I'm going put this post here hoping to get more response:
Background: I don't think W has a PA. When we Reconcilised in 2012 we agreed to try more adventurous sex and bought some sexy lingerie and tried a vibrator during foreplay and stimulating lubes. Also once we got v v drunk and we had anal sex - I cant remember a whole lot about it except she was exceptionally turned on and very noisy - but we remembered the babysitter in the next bedroom and stopped - she would not talk about it the next day. Our dabble into sex toys/naughty lingerie died a death except for a few times when we stayed in hotels. We also talked about mild bdsm, handcuffs and blindfolds and used blindfolds a few times. But for BDSM you have to make time - without kids! its not spontaneous and we never had anal sex again.
Today I discovered W's stash of sex toys and other items.
It seems she is into BDSM and she is experimenting with anal sex toys. She has two sex books close to her bed - one about BDSM and the other about sex toys.
She has a stash that has some BDSM items and it seems unused - put away - Because it needs two people??? to tie her up
Her other stash I think is used when I am away on business or when she stays away in a hotel on business or night out with girls.
It has the naughty/sexy lingerie that we bought together plus the mild BDSM stuff and vibrators and 'new' anal stuff (there was also a receipt for an anal vibrator) and lubes and cleaning stuff. No condoms or male stuff.
Her three best GFs had discussed going to a new sex shop close to our town in the Summer and they arranged a provisional date but I thought it had fallen through! it looks like they went
Two receipts were dated June 15 and Sept 15 - this last one had more anal stuff (vibrator and lube) and was dated just one month before BD. T
My question is: Does this discovery affect our chances of R?
I know that all I can do is continue to DB.
She has mostly kept these sexual desires from me especially the anal sex. We have dabbled at BDSM and i have tried to take the lead but she kept all the stuff hidden in wardrobes - BDSM isn't exactly spontaneous.
Her main complaints with our sex life: I didnt initiate enough , and she didn't want boring routine sex in the bedroom.
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/14/1506:50 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Don't let anyone be a cake eater at your expense. You're better than that. You're a woman. You can have sex whenever you want, 24/7/365. You ladies may not think that's true but it is. You don't need him treating you like that. He's just looking for cake.
Don't let anyone be a cake eater at your expense. You're better than that. You're a woman. You can have sex whenever you want, 24/7/365. You ladies may not think that's true but it is. You don't need him treating you like that. He's just looking for cake.
I don't understand this response. Klassic cheated on husband and now he does not want to stay married. He tells her his soul is damaged. He obviously still loves her but is hurt from the worst way one can possibly hurt someone.
Of course females do not have a hard time finding one night stands or lovers. That has nothing to do with this. Unless I read situation wrong. Worst thing she could at this point to the man she committed to and whose ego is on the floor is to seek or even consider outside affairs if she wants to save this marriage.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I just grappled with this very thing, and I have to agree that every sitch is different, and every relationship has its own dynamics in play.
I think Julie has a point--it doesn't seem like he is cake- eating. He is struggling with feelings and hurts, and maybe needs/wants the sex for validation that she still loves him. I know in my own R, in the past, that was the only time I felt H loved me.
And only Klassic knows what is in her heart. How does it make you feel, especially afterward? If you are feeling used, or like you said, you feel bitter and resentful then probably it is not a wise choice.
As I said, I just had to make this decision, and didn't even think it was an option for us, as my H is the one who is leaving. But he approached me, and I felt his motives were genuine, and that it was something we both needed, at the time. And I did not feel angry or bitter or even regretful afterward.
My answer could change, and I will reassess, should it come up again (no pun intended) :P
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
My understanding is that her H is asking for a divorce...she referred to him as a WAH.
Regardless of who did what in the past and why, if he's pushing for a divorce but also wanting to have sex, it would seem to me that warrants a time-out and some communication/discussion time between the two of them so that they are on the same page.
If he's not pushing for a divorce but just bringing up the possibility from time to time, I guess that could be a different matter, but it still seems to me like there's some communication that needs to take place here.
I think if you are telling your H that you can't ML because you "feel used" you need to ask yourself what you were doing with the OM. He wasn't committed to you, was he? He was sleeping with a married woman, therefore he could not have been committed. What were his motives in sleeping with you? Your H is still your H and has suffered a huge trauma. Especially if you still have that emotional connection while ML, then I can see why he craves that.
Maybe you should call a DB coach? I am thinking of this from the betrayed spouse's perspective and I feel really badly for him. He obviously still loves you and wants to be with you, and is trying to heal. It takes a very long time to recover from something like this.
