New here and desperate to save my marriage...

[sandi2]

"Yes, he is having an EAPA. I'm sure that's what's on his mind right now. How am *I* supposed to get on his mind if he never has to see me or deal with me at all. I know I'm getting impatient, it's just really hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I had to constantly stay in touch with HIM and reassure HIM before he found someone else. Now, he just doesn't care to speak to me ever again. And, I feel like I'm just stepping aside and saying GO AHEAD AND HAVE YOUR AFFAIR....I wish you well! UGH!"

Hi, I am a former cheater, too. So no judgement from me. Whatever you and your current H did, and however you got together, will not change the fact you are legally M.

The best weapon you have is you getting a life without him, and not showing interest in what he's doing.......or who he's doing it with. In a sense you may appear as if you are saying. " Go ahead, have your affair. I wish you well........but I am not waiting around, crying for you". You only said those words with your attitude. Your attitude also says that you have too much dignity to be any man's second choice. You are much too valuable to have leftovers.

Want to fight for this man? Do you really want him that badly? Okay, I am going to give the key to secret. Your fight is not with words. It is not following him around, watching what he's doing. It is turning loose. Drop the rope, go dark and yes, let him do whatever. He is a grown man and you are not his mamma. Right now, he doesn't deserve you. You want him b/c you feel dumped, betrayed, are afraid, and can't have him. Well, it works both ways.

You have to have the spunk to just start living your life as though he had passed away. Stop making him your reason to live. You become a beautiful lady who any man would be a fool to let slip through his fingers. Oh, and don't be worried about him not seeing. If you wonder if he knows or how he will see.........you are giving away your strength/power.

You can do this! Hold your head high and walk proud. You don't have to have him to make you happy. You make you happy.

[sandi2]

Just to clarify when I said it works both ways. I wasn't suggesting you do what he's doing and have an affair. I mean he will want what he thinks he can't have. You have been too easy for him to have. He has to believe you are through and are moving forward. If anything jars him to his senses, this will. Maybe not quickly, but in time. He needs to work really, REALLY hard to get you back.

[annab74]

I totally agree with Sandi that your fight is not with words. Right now, it doesn't matter what you say...he isn't hearing you. He isn't ready to. The second you stop following the script he has for you in his head, however, he will stand up and take notice.

After my H moved out, he went dark and cold. He didn't return my texts or emails, and did everything he could to avoid conversation with me. He told me in no uncertain terms that he was D-O-N-E, DONE. There was no hope, and that I needed to just stop, because "why would you even want to be with someone who tells you to your face they don't want you?" Why indeed? Still, I did all the wrong things for months...pursued...cried...begged...acted like a completely pathetic human being. It only made things worse. But then one day, something clicked and I'd had enough.

I agreed with the divorce...told him he was right that the marriage was hopeless and couldn't be saved. I told him to go find someone else and be happy because I was going to do the same. I put on my happy face and was friendly and cracked jokes and told him to have a nice life. The turn around on his part was almost instantaneous. Suddenly the guy who couldn't be bothered to even look at me was questioning my every move. Why was I dressed up? Where was I going? Was there another guy? I smiled and said I'd love to be open and transparent in a marriage, but you fired me as your wife and therefore I am no longer accountable to you.

He's no longer convinced he wants a divorce and told me he is thinking about coming home. Maybe I'll still want him if/when he decides to.

The point isn't to say all this has been a panacea for our problems, but it got his attention and made him consider the reality of losing me when nothing else did. It's easy to spurn your spouse when you know they are desperately chasing after you and just waiting to welcome you home with open arms if/when you decide to "bless" them with your presence again. Give him a reason to question whether you'll still be around. It sounds crazy but it works!!

[gonegrl]

Thank you all for your posts, I have nothing to add but as always reading other people's sitches and the advice gives me more clarity with my own. There is a lot of wisdom here.

[Rain75]

I would love to have the shift and just be able to act as if I dont care. It helped to read your story. Thank you

MB...i hope you're doing okay today.

Rain

[- MB -]

If i wanted to I could drive by his house every night. I have not done this because if his car is gone it will hurt me and be has inflicted enough hurt to last me and a few other woman a lifetime.

This all hurts and seems so unfair doesn't it?

I know exactly what you mean! I drive by his house because for some stupid reason, it's comforting to me just knowing that he's home and not out of town seeing her. It's like a drug addict and that is my "fix." It's short lived, then I need to check again. It's like I can't make myself stop. Then, when he's NOT home, I'm crushed. I know that I hurt MYSELF, because I didn't have to drive by, but did anyway. Sure didn't hurt H or the OW. They don't care! The pain is completely devastating when I realize he's probably with her. And, on the 2 occasions that she was staying with him, the pain was so intense that it was almost unbearable. I thought I was too numb and dead inside to still feel this much pain. Apparently, I was mistaken!

And, yes Rain, this is the most unfair and hurtful thing I can ever imagine anyond doing to me....or to anyone on this list. It [censored]! I just want to yell SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THIS CRAZY TRAIN BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO RIDE ANYMORE!!!!!!!

[- MB -]

Sandi,

I know that you're giving me solid advice, it's just so hard for me to do! I really do try, and I'm getting a little better, but it's a minute by minute struggle sometimes! I do drive by, but USUALLY it's at night after he's already in bed so I doubt that he has seen me do so. As far as he knows (I think), I have dropped off of the face of the earth. I have not seen him, called him, texted him, bumped into him anywhere, etc. There has been NO contact with him in almost a month. In 2 days it will be a month. Sigh...... I had HOPED that it would make him wonder and he would call. I was WRONG!

I haven't exactly gotten a life yet, but I move my vehicle, park it at a friends house in her garage, let my son drive it to work, etc. That' way IF he drives by, it won't be here. I have been walking a lot. It does help me clear my head and I have found that if I'm REALLY upsed, I can't cry if I'm walking fast enough because it makes it impossible to Breathe. I've lost 35 lbs so far. So, while I might not have gotten a life, He doesn't know any different.

I do have a question though. My things are still at hs house. Should I go over there and ask him for them? My counselor wanted me to write a etter to him saying that I am willing to work on our marriage at this time, but I'm going to give him the "space" that he asked for but that I'm not going to wait forever. And, in the meantime, I'm going to work on getting myself together. Do you think it would be a good idea to write such a letter and then go over and give it to him and ask when a good time would be to pack up my stuff? Or, should I just forget about my things and not write a letter or go over there?

Thanks for any wods of wisdom you have for me.

[- MB -]

LOL, I never thought that you were telling me to go out and find someone so that I could have an affair just like my H. I would really love it if he thought I wasn't going to be here and got jealous. He gets a bit crazy when he's jealous though.

[- MB -]

Well, tomorrow will be 4 weeks...and entire month since I broke contact with H. I haven't seen, called, texted, spoken to, "accidentally ran into," or anything else in an entire month. Sadly, neither has he. I had HOPED he would have missed me or perhaps gotten curious by now. This was the man that had to know where I was CONSTANTLY. And, now he hasn't seen me or known where I've been in a month, and doesn't seem to care one bit. It should be getting easier, but seems to get harder every day that he doesn't seem to realize that I'm not around.

[melweb]

Pho--I agree with you. Sometimes I wish there was a 'like' button on peoples comments to a particular sitch.

MB--I am feeling sad for you today. I am a little over the one month mark myself since BD, but H is still living here. I figured would/could DB until he left, then he could truly see what he was missing. Now I am not so sure after reading your thread. Sigh.

anna gave great advice. Be patient.