Sometimes the wayward spouses behavior can be explained when you look at it in the context of his affair. What I mean is the affair relationship is his primary relationship right now. Maybe his OW feels a bit guilty as your wayward husband complains that you are keeping the kids from him and just generally victimizing him....so, in order to balance things out and appease her guilt and shame, he portends that everything is copasetic between you two. That really doesn't explain the more flirty texts but these kind of texts working out details of the cottage use could be used to demonstrate that you two have a working relationship that should only get better with time as everyone adjusts to the new dynamic.
Regardless if it's temperature taking or not, it's certainly not him "reaching out". He probably wants to travel to the cottage with his OW so figures if he either throws you a bone about going up with you and the kids (which he probably won't follow through on but can appease his own guilt by making the plans under the delusion that he can mends all the relationships over one weekend). In discussing dates he can also figure out the best weekends to sneak up there with the OW when you are otherwise preoccupied.
Ya know...when you go dark, you won't have to speculate and decipher these messages anymore trying to figure out what they mean and how you can derive hope from them. Until he ends his affair there is no hope. NO CONTACT with OW is step one to hope. Everything else until then is just flak.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Here is my first draft of my No Contact letter...PLEASE feel free to contribute. I have one chance to get this right.
"H, I'm really sorry. I need to institute a No Contact rule between us. Your actions are literally breaking my heart. I realized the last time I tried to talk to you about it, I was basically begging you to have some integrity.
Integrity is something you either have, or don't have. A person willing to cause such emotional harm to the children he professes to love, while attempting to throw their ill mother out to the curb so that he can carry on an affair in peace? That is not even in the running for integrity.
I want no contact with you. If you need to contact me for any reason, you can send a message via e-mail. If there is an emergency, you can have one of the kids get hold of me. I will do my best to stay out of your sight from now on. You've lost all rights to me.
Until you end your affair and sincerely apologize for all the harm you've caused, I have no desire to see you or speak with you. I am committed to doing whatever we need in order to help our children be happy adults, short of putting up with such blatant disrespect and contempt from you. I'm willing to seek counseling and work on the marriage, but only if it's between the two of us, alone. I have zero interest in an open marriage.
You'd prefer to pretend the children will be fine. I intend to protect both them and myself to the best of my ability. I'm sorry you don't love them enough to be a man of character. I love them enough to change in the ways they need from me, and am working to do so.
Hi Ancaire, I would lose most of the content. To me, a lot of it sounds critical and I think it would be best to keep it very simple...
Dear H, given all circumstances, I don't want any further contact with you. If you need to contact me for any reason, you can send a message via e-mail. If there is an emergency, please have one of the kids get hold of me. I need to move forward and heal from all that has happened and us being in touch isn't working for me. Kind regards, Ancaire.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree that I sounded very preachy. I'm trying to follow GB's recommendation that he's losing all contact with me unless and until he gives up OW and apologizes. Where would that part go, do you think?
Hi Jpeg, I think you can do this in one of two ways:
Firstly, you could consider a NC message - though I defer to the wisdom of Mr Bond on that one if he thinks it isn't the best way forward. If you do it, you need to be prepared to follow it through. Doing it and caving in, is worse than not doing it.
The other way is just to show your H that you don't intend to keep in touch with him by your actions. I don't think you can go entirely NC if you have kids and business matters to still attend to. However, you can avoid any response to non-essential comms (ILYs, I miss you's etc...)
Also, never go NC to provoke a reaction - do it because it represents the best way forward for you, given all circumstances. But do wait and hear what others think - it's an important decision.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree with Sotto below. Don't apologize for NC. You have nothing to apologize for.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
He forced my hand. Burst into my room, clearly indicated as an area he is not welcome and told me to move out today. He threatened me and called me quite a few colorful names.
He left. I called my L. Then I sent him a short a sweet text advising him:
"You are not to speak to me. You cannot be civil. Email or text only. Advise me when you plan to be around. I will not be abused by you anymore. I've had it. No contact, period."
Nothing about OW...just to the point. Where, or where, did my H go? This monster is not he.
Emergency hearing January 6th. I hate this! MLC or not, this man hates me.
Jpeg, you've been essentially doing the Last Resort Technique for a very long time. It's taking a physical and emotional toll on you. Your husband is living with the OW. It's incredibly cruel to expect you to keep in contact with him. I also think the continued insignificant crumbs he keeps giving you are interfering with your ability to GAL. [once you go dark - i fully recommend you go full steam ahead GAL'ing and even posting about you great new life on Facebook so OW and WH can see if they want - but block them so they can't message you - they'll just be able to stalk you and see you appear to be happy and doing great living a wonderful life].
Mr. Bond's situation was different. His wife was still living at home and apparently not still sleeping with her married OM (who was her boss at the hospital). His long term problem was simply that they still worked together so contact continued for about 3 years until the OM finally retired. After OM retired and actual "no contact" was achieved, THEN, Mr. Bond's marriage recovery finally commenced. So if the OW in your situation is due to retire in a year or so and move away with her betrayed husband or maybe the OW has cancer and is set to die in 1-2 years, then maybe you can keep doing the LST because the end of the affair is near and apparent.
Here's some words from MWD:
Originally Posted By: Last Resort Technique
.......
If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.
Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive directions. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months. You must be patient.
.......
The letter I suggested you send him is to clearly indicate you remain interested in a recovery but only if and when he ends his affair. This is a "interested, but distance stance" strategy, because you've done "interested, connected and available" to no avail for far too long.
In addition, what I'm suggesting to you is a healthy boundary. You are being abused by your husband. He isn't confused about what he is doing --- he is telling you he'll always love you while living with another woman. You are erecting a fence around yourself (a boundary) that says you can come in my yard only after you've chosen of your own free will to end your affair. There is no "or else". You are NOT saying "end the affair today or I will never speak to you again" or "end your affair right now or I will divorce you". This isn't an ultimatum, it's a boundary.
It's also modeling appropriate behavior to your children. Could you imagine telling your children to endure what you're enduring? It's teaching your children about being willing to forgive, establishing firm and appropriate boundaries and, hopefully, if and when WH comes around repentance and forgiveness. This is in contradiction to modeling that you don't matter, that saving the marriage is more important than you (them) and that YOU (they) should suck up abuse for the good of everyone else (including the abuser).
I'm also not suggesting "giving up". You are still "standing" for you marriage I'm just suggesting you "stand" at an emotionally safe distance. There is hope in the idea I suggested and there are several paths to success within it. Success might be that the WH has an epiphany and dumps OW, that OW buckles under the pressure of having to meet all of WH's needs and take all the blame for him losing his family and she dumps your WH and WH comes begging your intermediary for another chance ORRRRR success might be that you actually start the process of recovery from a possible divorce from an unrepentant wayward husband and in a year or so, YOU are emotionally healthy again instead of a year or two after you finally throw in the towel. How much of your life are you required/obligated to spend on trying to convince someone to not throw you away?
How long do you do keep trying and at what point is it wise to box up and preserve the little remaining love and hope you have for you marriage until the day the affair implodes all on it's own. Like Mr. Bond, there was little he could do to change the situation until happenstance had the OM retiring from the hospital and his wayward wife finally went "no contact" with OM. It's quite possible the affair doesn't end for a long long time and this could be your life for 1, 2, 3 or 5 years longer. I submit you are better off waiting for happenstance at a disAt some point you have to stop trying to fix the situation yourself and give your WH to God and let him do the work while you remove yourself from the equation/situation and tend to your injuries. Your WH is not your friend right now and might not ever be again. If your relationship is truly important to him....let him fight for it. It's his turn, by God.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/15/1501:08 AM.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
